Memos
by tartan-angel
Summary: A series of random memos sent between our two favourite Professors... who said Flitwick? *evil glare*
1. Memo 1

_A/N: A story of random notes sent on random days between our two favourite Professors (Who said Flitwick? *Evil glare*). I wonder if you'll be able to tell that I was reeeeeally bored when I wrote these? _

_Italics - Minerva McGonagall_

Normal - Albus Dumbledore

* * *

MEMOS

_Albus, are you alright? You seemed a bit off today._

Can't talk now, Minerva; I'm on fire.

_Technically, you're writing not talking. Are you literally on fire?_

1) I don't care for your sarcastic comments. 2) I'm as good as on fire!

_You ate the chilli peppers, didn't you?_

It may be a possibility.

_You idiot._

Don't I know it!


	2. Memo 2

MEMOS

You were wrong! You were wrong! You were wrong!

_Okay, Albus, calm down. There's no need to rub it in._

Oh sweet Merlin, I have to tell Alastor!

_Don't you even think about it! _

What are you going to do about it?

_You're talking to the Transfiguration Professor at Hogwarts._

You're talking to the former Transfiguration Professor of Hogwarts and the one who has the power to fire you.

_You're talking to the woman who does all of the paperwork for you._

… DAMN IT! You win!

_Thank you._

Even so, YOU WERE WRONG!!

_Well, if you hadn't have given him a head's up, I might have been right._

I couldn't let the poor man go without a fair warning.

_And it won you two Galleons._

That too. Besides, even if I hadn't have told him, I don't think it would have worked.

_It so would have._

Would not.

_Would too._

Would not.

_Are we seriously doing this?_

Well, it's your fault for betting that you could change Severus' hair colour without him noticing.


	3. Memo 3

MEMOS

_What is this world coming to?_

What happened?

_Three guesses._

Have Sherbet Lemons conquered the earth?

_Merlin, I hope not._

Has Tom finally changed his name to my suggestion of Voldiekins?

_NO! Honestly, don't joke about that._

Have all of your robes changed into brightly coloured dresses?

_N- wait, how did you know that? _

I have my ways.

_It was you, wasn't it?_

No comment.

_You insufferable moron._

That's a bit harsh.

_You had better sleep with an eye open, Dumbledore because I will get revenge._

You sound so lovely when you are being a homicidal maniac. Kind of like Mr Hyde.

_How has Fawkes been lately?_

Well, he's been very… YOU WOULDN'T!

_Wouldn't I?_

FAWKES! FAWKES! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

_Wow, you're getting about as paranoid as Alastor. Must be old age._


	4. Memo 4

MEMOS

_Albus, what were you thinking?_

Well, I was thinking of having another lemon drop but then I wondered whether it would spoil my dinner. I had the lemon drop –

_Not that!_

I think a lot of things. To which thought are you referring?

_The one which you very dramatically announced in the staff meeting this morning._

At least it finally got everyone listening to me.

_Well, you do twitter on a bit._

That's beside the point.

_Yes, well, again; WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? WERE YOU THINKING?_

Of course I was. I think a karaoke night is a great idea.

_Yes, but a mandatory one is a completely different matter._

Is there any way I can persuade you to go?

_NO!_

I'll provide you with alcohol.

_I'm there._

But you have to sing at least one song.

_Forget it._

Pleeeeeeeeeeease?

_Albus, I know you're trying to do puppy dog eyes at me through the page but it won't work. I'm immune._

You know you want to.

_Do I?_

Yes. Plus, you get to see Severus attempting to sing.

_Ooh, so tempting._

Please?

_Urgh! Okay then!_

Thank you! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! You won't regret this.

_Somehow, I sincerely doubt that._


	5. Memo 5

MEMOS

I have a headache.

_That's your fault for getting sloshed._

Sloshed?

_Look it up, Albus._

I don't feel like looking at anything apart from the insides of my eyelids right now.

_Then go to sleep and stop writing to me._

I can't. I've been socially deprived.

_Give me strength._

I could try to turn you into the Incredible Hulk, if you like.

_What's an Incredible Hulk?_

To be perfectly honest (like the angel I am) I haven't the foggiest. Some sort of green Muggle comic book character, I think.

_Charming._

It's better than being a Smurf.

_Smurf?_

Little blue creatures with white hats.

_Aye, aye, aye._

I see the Spanish lessons are paying off.

_Spanish lessons?_

Never mind.

_Back to the point, you got hammered and I had to pick up the pieces. _

That's your job; to keep me in line.

_Yeah, well, you can repay me by looking after my lions while I go to dinner tonight._

But, I'm hung over!

_And it just happens to be my anniversary so screw you._

No thanks.

_ALBUS!_

Well, congratulations. I'm off to sleep.

_Albus?_

…

_Albus I swear to Merlin I'll send you a Howler if you don't look after my Gryffindors!_

I'm up! I'm up!


	6. Memo 6

MEMOS

Minnie, do you know what day it is?

_If you keep calling me "Minnie", it'll be your last day alive!_

No, silly! It's your BIRTHDAY!!

_Hooray…_

I feel the sarcasm radiating from this note.

_Wow, it worked._

Why aren't you happy?

_Because I have a class with the bloody 'Marauders'! That's enough to drive anyone insane._

Don't worry, I'll keep them in line.

_Now I'm worried._

But I said 'don't worry'!

_Even more cause to worry, frankly._

Your confidence in me is inspiring.

_What can I say? I'm an inspiring person._

Anyway, I need to see you in the Staff Room.

_Why?_

Can't explain now. See you!

_Crazy old coot._


	7. Memo 7

_Italic - Minerva_

Normal - Albus

_**Bold italic - Both**_

* * *

MEMOS

Minerva, SAVE ME!

_What's wrong?_

Guess who just turned up?

_Uh oh… not…_

Yes… it was…

_**The incompetent moron!**_

_Fudge just doesn't give up, does he?_

Nope. That's why I need you to help me!

_Why would I do that?_

To help out your employer and gain gratitude from your good friend.

_Who said you were my friend?_

That was cold.

_They don't call me 'the Ice Queen' for nothing._

As far as I know, they don't call you 'the Ice Queen' at all.

_That's not the point._

No it's not. Please RESCUE ME FROM THIS HELL!

_Let me think about it._

Please, I can't stand another second in this office with that idiot.

_Makes a change for you to be calling someone else an idiot._

Yeah, but HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

_Hmm…_

Please.

…

_You owe me, Dumbles!_

THANK YOU! You are now my hero.

_I know, Albus, I know. Seriously though, you owe me._


	8. Memo 8

MEMOS

Is that grinding teeth that I hear?

_Why, Albus. WHY?_

Why what?

_Why must you torment me like this?_

I'm afraid I have no idea what you mean.

_Her, Albus. That… that… TOAD!_

You mean Dolores?

_Of course I mean… HER Albus. Why in deepest, darkest hell did you let Fudge push her in here?_

I really had no choice.

_Please! You practically make Fudge's mind up for him!_

Not this time.

_Grrrr…_

Growl at them all you like but, at least, this way you get to let out your frustrations on the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher.

_Fair point._

She'll never work out if you've insulted her until it's too late.

_Yes, but still…_

Please, Minerva, just cool it. It will all be fine. Besides, she may not be so bad anymore.

_Albus, that THING came onto my husband! While I was standing with him!_

But he was so madly in love with you that he didn't even bat an eyelid in her direction. At least we know that his eyesight is fine.

_I'm still not happy. _

I didn't expect you to be.

_Wow, you really are turning into an evil slave driver. I knew it!_

BWAH HA HA HA HA!


	9. Memo 9

MEMOS

_Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore!_

Uh oh.

_I am going to KILL you!_

Hm… where to hide?

_Scratch that, I am going to torture you until you're barely alive and then watch you beg for mercy and then, and only then will I ABSOLUTELY SLAUGHTER YOU!!!!!_

Oh, so Slytherin!

_Don't insult me further._

I really don't see what I've done wrong this time.

_That's the thing, you never do! But this time is one too many!_

I promise you that I sincerely apologize for anything I've done that caused offence to you.

_ALBUS!!!_

Yes, Minerva?

_PICTURES, ALBUS!!_

Oh, I see…

_You see? You see? You had better bloody well see!_

Now, really-

_Albus, why in Merlin's good name would you do that?_

It was a rather lovely picture.

_Yes, but it was a picture of me!_

What's wrong with that?

_You showed it to the Marauders! Bloody Potter and Black have been looking weirdly at me ALL DAY!_

My bad.

_You don't say. Like I said; I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU!!!_

Ah, here's Hagrid, he'll save me.

_Please! We both know I have everyone on my side in this place._

Damn, why do you have to be right?

_Because I'm the evil genius! _

Trust me, I know.

_Then you had better run, beardy, because there's nowhere to hide._

I concur. AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGH!!!!


	10. Memo 10

MEMOS

Minerva, sometimes I worry for your sanity, my dear.

_What do you mean?_

You… Merlin, I can't say it…

_Spit it out, Albus._

You were actually… civil towards Sybil Trelawney. Not just that, you stood up for her…

_Your point being?_

You, Mrs. Divination-Is-A-Load-Of-Bull, stood up for the one you think is a 'fake, a liar and also a bad actress'.

_And…_

And…

_I was actually expecting an answer._

Oh, oh right. What I mean is… why?

_I'm a Gryffindor. I can't help it._

Aww, little Minnie's growing up.

_Albus?_

Yeees?

_Shut up._

…

_What, no almost witty reply?_

…

_Ha! I might actually get some peace and quiet._

…

_Oh, I am going to enjoy this!_

I can't take it anymore!

_I knew it. Pomona owes me five Galleons._

You had a bet on me?

_Yep, and you fell straight for it. Congratulations._

Why, thank you… HEY!!!


	11. Memo 11

_A/N: By the by, I don't own the characters *sigh* nor do I own Billy Connolly, Annie Lennox or, in fact, any of her songs. Now I'm sad… Also, if you think I'm nuts right now: 1) You're right and 2) You should probably read on before judging me!_

* * *

MEMOS

Hey, Minerva, why did the Hippogriff cross the road?

_Albus, stop telling crappy jokes!_

Why?

_Because, for the VERY LAST TIME, I am NOT, I repeat NOT, related to Billy Connolly just because I am Scottish!_

As you have told me several times.

_Neither am I related to Annie Lennox._

I know that now.

_Well then, STOP SINGING HER SONGS!_

I can't!

_Don't be ridiculous._

I'm not.

_Why can't you stop?_

Because they're stuck in my head now.

_Oh, Merlin. Here we go again._

*Don't they say love is blind?*

_Albus, Stop!_

*Must be talking to an angel*

_Well, you are but please… STOP… NOW!_

Seeing as you asked so nicely.

_Thank you!_

Minerva?

_Yes, Albus?_

Knock, knock!

_AAARGH!_


	12. Memo 12

MEMOS

_Albus?_

Yes?

_Would you care to explain to me why there is a huge trail of cat biscuits from my office to the Great Hall?_

I thought you might be hungry.

_That is stupid beyond words._

I was just trying to be thoughtful.

_Albus, how many times do I have to tell you? Just because I am a cat Animagus that does not mean that I eat cat food!_

Oh…

_You should know that, you trained me!_

I know…

_Don't do that moping face._

I don't know what you're talking about.

_Don't lie to me._

I really don't-

_ALBUS! _

Damn! Note to self: Get a new Deputy who doesn't know me so well.

_I would like to see you try._

How do you mean?

_I could turn half of the wizarding world on you with a click of my fingers._

SERIOUSLY???

_Want to find out?_

Severus is rubbing off on you.


	13. Memo 13

MEMOS

_Where is it, Albus?_

Where is what?

_You know exactly what I am talking about._

I honestly have no clue-

_Don't make me come up there, Albus!_

Okay, I surrender! I took it. It's not good for you.

_Okay. _

I beg your pardon.

_Don't beg it's not respectable._

Did you say 'okay'?

_I believe I did._

Uh oh…

_It's fine, Albus, really._

Minerva, is that you knocking on my office door?

_Open it and find out._

I'm too scared.

_Well, give it back to me and nobody needs to get hurt._

You should have hidden it better.

_Where would you suggest I hide it?_

Hmm… where to hide a secret stash of 'not-so-secret-red-wine'?


	14. Memo 14

MEMOS

_You helped them, didn't you?_

Helped who?

_Stop playing silly buggers with me!_

But I am a 'silly bugger', as you so eloquently put it.

_ALBUS! _

Okay.

_You helped the Weasley twins, didn't you?_

How can you possibly say that?

_Oh, give me a break, that was far too ingenious for them._

Well, they are rather clever. Though they choose not to direct it towards their school work.

_NEVER do that to me again!_

Hmph…

…

FINE!


	15. Memo 15

MEMOS

That was PRICELESS!!

_I know._

Absolute genius, if I do say so myself.

_Wait, you knew about that?!_

Possibly…

_You helped them again?_

Possibly…

_I am very disappointed in you, Headmaster._

What a shame.

_Not because you helped the Weasley twins AGAIN. I'm disappointed because you didn't let me in on it._

Excuse me?

_You-didn't-tell-me!_

But… I thought you said…

_I did. But you can't just leave me out of it if the prank is targeted at TOAD WOMAN!!_

Do you have the faintest notion of how hypocritical you sound?

_Albus, you would do exactly the same thing in my position._

But there are at least two fundamental differences between us…

_Okay, okay. Just tell me next time._

Fine.

…

Hypocrite.

_I can still read this, you know!_


	16. Memo 16

MEMOS

Good morning, Minnie.

_Don't call me that._

Why ever not?

_Because I think you rather value your life… or, at least, your beard._

Ooh, me-ow!

_You did not just say that._

I think I did.

_ALBUS!!!_

Uh oh!


	17. Memo 17

MEMOS

Dum de dum de dee dum.

_You know that I can't hear the tune you're humming, right?_

Yeeee-s…

_Then why are you bothering?_

Because…

_Is that it? Because…_

Mm hm. Because…

_Albus, you annoy me to no end._

Uh no, the Northern Nightmare is off again.

_The what?_

The Northern Nightmare.

_Riiiight…_

That's referring to you, my dear.

_Oh… oh, right._

No comeback?

_Nope._

Honestly?

_No. I am going to hunt you down and rip you to shreds._

That sounds more like you.

_RUN, old boy, RUN!_

You know, you should see a therapist-

_That's IT. You had better be gone in five seconds because I am coming to get you!_


	18. Memo 18

MEMOS

_Of all the low-down, idiotic, insulting, brash things to say!_

What is it this time?

_The Bloody Toad had the audacity to call me a liability._

Why ever did she do that?

_Because I defended you!_

Aw, shucks.

_But what I said was the truth. I can't stand by and watch her destroy this school piece by piece._

There's my Braveheart.

_Pardon me?_

Err… nothing…

_Did you just call me 'Braveheart'?_

No!

_Albus, it's written right here._

Not if I destroy it!

_That was clever because I now know that you just destroyed it._

No, you just think I did.

_We'll talk later._

Whoop! I'm off the hook!

_No you're not._

Damn!


	19. Memo 19

MEMOS

Just admit it; YOU ENJOYED IT!

_Okay, maybe I did. _

See? I told you.

_Only a bit._

Whatever you say.

_I can't believe you made me wear that costume._

Well, I have to say, you do make the most alluring Cat Woman.

_I hate Halloween._

* * *

_A/N: This one gave me strange mental pictures._


	20. Memo 20

MEMOS

_I can't believe you said that. _

I said many things.

_I still can't believe you said that._

Can you please let me in on the big secret here?

_The tartan comment._

Oh…

_Why on earth should I be taking style advice from the guy who wears the first thing to jump out of his wardrobe?_

My clothes don't jump.

_Seriously, Albus. Not funny._

But it's true… tartan is soooo last week.


	21. Memo 21

MEMOS

_How are you holding up, Albus?_

Not… good…

_Is Poppy holding you hostage in the Hospital Wing?_

You have no idea.

_Pur-lease, she'll keep you in for a week if you've got a cold._

I should have expected it really.

_You do know that you are the Headmaster, right?_

Your point is?

_You could just demand that she let you leave._

I'm sorry but I really would like to live.

_Is little Albus scared?_

Would you do it?

…

I thought not. Anywho, it's your fault I'm in here.

_You've been there for three days._

And I'm only just able to write again.

_It's entirely your doing._

I resent that.

_I know that you beat Grindelwald and all but, seriously, NEVER challenge me to a duel because now you know the consequences. _

I won't make that mistake again. And the new Duelling Club are scared out of their wits. Well done.

_Meh. I have that effect on people._


	22. Memo 22

MEMOS

Have you seen the Quidditch results recently?

_Should I have?_

I was just looking over them and thinking…

_There's a rare occurrence._

I was thinking about Slytherin's prospects of winning.

_You what?_

I was thinking about Slytherin's prospects of winning.

_I'm all for House Unity but when it comes to Quidditch… there is no way you are serious._

And how, pray tell, did you come to that conclusion, my dear?

_You're a Gryffindor._

I WAS a Gryffindor.

_Once a Gryffindor, always a Gryffindor. _

I never really saw the attraction to Quidditch.

_You… you… _

I… I…

_Where did I put that straitjacket? _


	23. Memo 23

MEMOS

_Albus, you will never guess what._

What is it?

_Sirius Black came to my office last night._

Now, Minerva, you know very well that student/teacher relationships are forbidden and could result in loss of job.

_Albus, don't be ridiculous! He came to my office last night because he had a 'nightmare'._

Oh, really?

_You'll never guess what it was about._

What?

_Sorry if my handwriting deteriorates, it's just that I can't stop laughing._

WHAT WAS IT ABOUT??

_He said…_

Yes?

_He said…_

Spit it out woman!

_He said he had a nightmare about you and I –oh, what were his words?- ah, yes, it was about you and I "getting jiggy"._

He dreamt about us dancing?

_What?_

Jigging is dancing, isn't it?

_No, Albus, "getting jiggy" is NOT dancing._

What is it then?

_You honestly don't know?_

Not a clue. I mean, I always thought-

_It's sex, Albus._

What?

_Oh, Merlin, I'm sorry, I just ruined your childish innocence. I apologize._

Mr Black said that?

_He is a twisted child._

I'm going to have to talk to him.

_Better you than me. _

I'll have to congratulate him on making my dear Deputy see her long-lost love for me.

_Excuse me?_

I'll tell him that we are to be married in August.

_Hey, I am NOT a bigamist! _

Yeah, but he doesn't know you're married.

_ALBUS!_

There you go, getting into character already!

_Don't you dare turn this into innuendo._

Nope, in-your-endo!

_I am going to kill you!_

You've never succeeded before.

_I will this time._

*gulp*.


	24. Memo 24

MEMOS

_I hate Grimmauld Place._

Who doesn't? You have to admit, though, it was pretty hilarious seeing dear Mrs Black shut up for once.

_That portrait needed it, bloody screaming her head of every time someone walks through the door. _

It was so funny. She couldn't speak when you'd finished shouting.

_Well, Sirius was grateful, at least._

Now do you understand why I called you the Northern Nightmare?

_Albus!_

Sorry.

_I can't believe you, though._

Well, I am just unbelievably amazing.

_And unbelievably annoying._

Granted. Why this time, may I ask?

_You didn't stop him. In fact, you sat there and laughed. _

Oh, I see where this is going. I'm going to go and talk to Filius.

_Oh no you don't! You are not getting out of this one._

It really was your fault for walking around in your Animagus form.

_You knew I would have to turn back, you moron!_

But, seeing you turn back to your human form while Sirius Black had you on his lap provided ample entertainment for us all.

_Hmph._

And, seriously, watching him chase you around while you were both in your animal forms… HILARIOUS!

…

Uh oh. I pushed it, didn't I?

_I wonder if your office door can survive a few 'bombardas'?_ _Let's find out, shall we?_

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


	25. Memo 25

MEMOS

Ach, how be ye todeey?

_Albus, what are you doing?_

Why, lass, I am tryin' oot me new Scootish accent.

_Really?_

Why, aye, lass.

_W… I… I give up._

I thought you would be the best one to try it out on.

_You know, I am actually half Italian and half Scottish._

Oh, that explains the name. I didn't think it was very Scottish.

_So what names do you think are Scottish?_

Angus…

_You thought my parents would call their only daughter 'Angus'?_

No…

_You belong in a mental hospital._

Is that any way to talk to your elders?

_Give it up, Dumbledore, I'm Flooing the Healers._

Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!


	26. Memo 26

MEMOS

_You evil ba-_

Ah, ah, ah.

_You evil ba-_

I won't let you swear, you know.

_Fu-_

Seriously.

_Ok. But why, why, why?_

'Why' what?

_Why did you make me go to that meeting?_

I was busy!

_Busy twiddling your thumbs and plaiting your hair._

Exactly... Wait… HEY!!

_Governor's meetings do my head in._

I'm surprised Cornelius is still alive.

_Fudge is not the problem._

Oh?

_No, it was bl-_

What have I told you?

_*sigh* It was Lucius Malfoy._

Ah, that explains it.

_I swear-_

Not if I have my way.

_ALBUS! Shut it! I really thought I was going to rip Malfoy's head off._

Why didn't you?

_Because I felt sorry for his wife and son._

Aw, that's sweet. Did you at least give him a verbal lashing?

_Naturally._

Well, at least I know that you're not losing your touch.

_Grrrr._


	27. Memo 27

MEMOS

I was just thinking…

_How riveting._

I wondered, who would win in a fight between you and Gilderoy Lockhart.

_I can't believe you have to ask that. I really am ashamed of you. The man couldn't handle a wand if he tried._

But, I thought that Gilderoy could blind you with his shiny teeth.

_You insult me. Really, he makes me sick._

He makes men sick.

_Are you calling me a man?_

No, of course not…

_Seriously, the only women that become the least bit infatuated with him have NEVER EVER worked with him. Incompetent idiot._

Don't I know it.

_Then why the hell did you hire him?_

No-one else wanted the post.

_You know, we could have all shared classes._

Yes, but can you imagine Pomona trying to teach Defence Against the Dark Arts.

_We've all had experience in wars._

Why didn't you tell me this at the beginning of the school year?

_I like to see you struggle._

Charming woman.

_I know, I just can't help it. _

Gilderoy Lockhart is a charming man, though.

_Go get him, tiger. *growl*_

I bet Richard has heard you growl before!

_Hey, you leave my husband out of this!_

Stop annoying me then.

_Stop paying Lockhart then._


	28. Memo 28

MEMOS

Min, Min, Min!!

_Albus, Albus, Albus!!_

Guess what I just watched.

_Me pushing Sybil from her tower?_

You wish.

_What was it, then?_

A rather charming Muggle movie called Mary Poppins.

_I love that film._

Really?

_Don't spread it around but I'm a sucker for a good musical._

Huh… Well, anyways, Mary Poppins reminds me of you.

_How so?_

To be honest, I'm not quite sure.

_Is there anything you are sure of?_

Not particularly. *A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, The medicine go doooown, The medicine go down.*

_Well done, Dumbledore._

For what?

_You got that song stuck in my head._

Ha ha ha!

_Hmph…_

Don't sulk, it's not a becoming look.

_Right… idiot..._


	29. Memo 29

MEMOS

Alastor's been here again.

_How ever did you guess that?_

The kids are hyped up talking about Aurors and dark magic.

_Albus, did you not detect the sarcasm in my first reply?_

It's rather difficult to pick up on sarcasm when things are written down.

_Well learn then._

Okay, I'll just pop down to the Ministry and see if they run any classes.

_Excuse me, I am the only one allowed to do sarcasm, around here, thank you very much!_

How…?

_You're rather obvious, Al._

Note to self: learn to be inconspicuous.

_In your clothes, I doubt that will work._


	30. Memo 30

MEMOS

Good afternoon, Minerva.

_Hello, Albus._

Word on the street is that you've got an admirer.

_Really?_

Would I lie to you?

_We-ell…_

Actually, that's not a good question, forget it.

_The answer is 'yes you would lie to me' and then you would claim it was for the greater good._

I said FORGET IT!!!!

_Alright…sheesh…_

As I was saying… what was I saying?

_Albus, you can just read what you wrote before, you know that, don't you?_

Of course I do…

_Sure._

Anyway, as I said, you have an admirer.

_And, as I said, really?_

Yep.

_Who is it?_

Shame on you. You are married, as you keep reminding me.

_There's no harm in knowing. Besides, that way I can discourage it._

Do you really want to know?

_Do you really want a black eye?_

No.

_Then tell me, Dumbles._

Mrs Norris.

_What?_

Mrs Norris had been looking at you funny.

_You are kidding me._

Nope.

_Albus, for one, Mrs Norris is a cat, secondly, I'm not a lesbian._

How do you know?

_Excuse me?_

How do you know that you aren't a lesbian?

_I think I know my own sexuality. _

If you say so.

_Why do I bother?_


	31. Memo 31

MEMOS

_Albus, you are so migraine-inducingly, skull-crushingly annoying._

Why this time?

_You don't think dinner was embarrassing?_

What's embarrassing about a roast dinner?

_Not the food, you twit!_

Oh, you mean… oh…

_Why did you find that funny?_

Because… it was… it was… HILARIOUS!

_In what way is creeping up behind me and shouting 'CONSTANT VIGILANCE!' at the top of your voice funny?_

I wanted to scare you.

_You didn't. I'm used to it by now. But… poor Filius. _

Yes, it was quite a knock to the head he took.

_And it's all your fault that he fell off that chair. _

I got that.

_Poppy's going to slaughter you._

Why do you think I'm hiding?

_It won't work._

But it prolongs my life… slightly.

_It's your fault for trying to scare me. I told you it wouldn't work._


	32. Memo 32

MEMOS

I just heard some crazy rumours.

_I don't like the sound of this._

They said that you have a son.

_But I do. _

I know, but they said that your son was… was…

_Gay? Because that's not true._

No, they said he was… Severus Snape!

_WHAT? Where did you hear that?_

Um… from… I don't remember!

_Liar!_

I don't know what you're talking about.

_You made it up, didn't you?_

No…

_STOP LYING TO ME!_

Okay, I surrender.

_Do you know how much you annoy me?_

Um…

_The answer is 'a lot'._

* * *

_A/N: Sorry, I borrowed the 'do you know how much you annoy me? The answer is 'a lot'' part from the musical episode of Scrubs. :-) By the way, I just got a poll up so if you voted it would really help me out. Thanks guys! _


	33. Memo 33

MEMOS

_Are you familiar with The Beatles, Albus?_

Well, I could have sworn that I saw a couple of beetles scurrying around my office earlier.

_No, Albus, they're a Muggle band._

Oh… I have heard of them. Why do you ask?

_They have a song called Maxwell's Silver Hammer._

What about it?

_I was getting there! _

Calm down!

_Well, Maxwell's Silver Hammer is a song about a murderer-_

- Called Maxwell.

_Yes, called Maxwell, who killed his girlfriend, teacher and a judge. And I was just thinking that I rather feel like Maxwell._

How do you mean?

_I think I might murder you today._

Do you want to go to Azkaban?

_It's a sacrifice I think I might be able to make._

You are LYING!

_How do you know?_

I-I … I … hmmm…

_Exactly. *evil laugh*_

BWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA!

_No, you aren't supposed to do an evil laugh, I am!_

Oh… well you should write that then!

_I give up._

Tut, tut, shame on you.

_Yeah right._


	34. Memo 34

MEMOS

Oh sweet Merlin! I have just found THE perfect blackmail material.

_Ooh, what is it?_

Photographs.

_Of who? Oh… oh no you did not!_

I did!

_When?_

I sort of found your photo album.

_HOW??!_

That is for me to know and you to find out.

_Where did Severus put that Veritaserum?_

That is EVIL!

_I know._

…

_Which ones have you got?_

The Graduation one, the morning after you had Louisa and the twenty-first birthday one.

_You're such a pain in the neck._

I know.

_You can't blackmail me with them because I actually quite like them._

Yeah, but the Marauders haven't seen them!

_You wouldn't!_

Wouldn't I?


	35. Memo 35

_A/N: Just so you know, this first lot of memos is all about Albus annoying Minerva and will culminate in a long list of things he shouldn't do. But never fear, Minerva WILL get her revenge!_

* * *

MEMOS

_I can't believe you did that._

I know! You didn't even give me the sherbet lemons I demanded!

_Well, you gave them the pictures. I told you not to. Go figure. _

Actually, I gave them copies of the photos.

_And that is better how?_

Er… I don't know…

_And now they are all around the school._

Why is that such a bad thing?

_I'm getting weird looks from all the students._

You looked really great in the photographs.

_That's what I'm afraid of._

Why?

_Because I'll never hear the end of it!_

And…?

_And it's all YOUR fault!_

That's it, pass the buck.

_BUT YOU SHOWED THEM THE PICTURES!_

That doesn't make it my fault.

…

Wait, yes it does… uh oh. Are you going to kill me now?

_No, not yet. I'm going to see what the Marauders have to say about it and then I shall watch you slowly suffer for everything you have ever done to annoy me and THEN I MIGHT kill you… possibly…_

How are you on the good side of the war?

_Because I'm a good spy._

*GASP* A spy!

_Cool it, I was only joking!_

Oh… I knew that…


	36. Memo 36

MEMOS

I heard about what you told Peeves.

_I have told Peeves a lot of things._

Yes, but it was what you told him today.

_About?_

You know what I am talking about!

…

Well, I have just one question.

_Fire away._

If you want to get rid of fire, Minerva, just get some water.

_Albus, it means that you can ask the question._

Oh…

_Well…_

Ah, yes. How exactly did you find out which way the chandelier unscrews?

_That's for me to know and you to find out._


	37. Memo 37

MEMOS

_Wow, I surprised myself today._

Oh, really?

_Yes. _

How so?

_I found someone who is more annoying than you._

Oooh, pray tell, who is it?

_Sirius Bloody Black._

I didn't know his middle name was 'Bloody'. Besides, I already knew that he was more annoying; no contest really.

_His middle name isn't 'Bloody'!_

Why did you say it then?

_Never mind._

So, back to the story, how did young Mr Black make you decide this?

_Have you seen him recently?_

Yeeees, we were at Headquarters last night. Is your memory finally deteriorating?

_You wish, old man! Anyway, every time I'm in my Animagus form around him, he starts sneezing and pretending that he's allergic to cats._

Makes a change from him chasing you.

_Oh no you did not!!_

Sacré bleu!

_Run… fast…_

I'm one step ahead of you. You'll never find me now! HA HA HA HA HA!!!

_Are you in the Staff Room? _

How did you – I mean – NOOO!

_Big mistake, beardy. Ready or not, here I come!_

AAAAARGH!!!


	38. Memo 38

MEMOS

Please, Minnie, you know you want to.

_Not a snowball's chance in hell._

Ah, right.

_I'm not doing it._

Okay then.

_You've given up?_

Yep.

_Oh, merciful Merlin in wizard Heavenly-Valhalla-type-place, I am saved!_

Oh, please, you didn't believe me, did you?

_Don't be dim. _

Why won't you do it, Minnie?

_Stop calling me that!_

I didn't call you 'that', I called you 'Minnie'!

_Oh Merlin, why do you torment me so?_

Pleeeeeeeeeeease.

_I refuse._

Oh, come on!

_No hablo Ingles!_

But you would make a marvellous Dorothy!

_I am not joining in a staff production of the Wizard of Oz._

I'll get Dolores to play the Wicked Witch of the East.

_Which one was that?_

The one that gets flattened by a house.

_Where do I sign up?_

I thought you would come around to my way of thinking.


	39. Memo 39

MEMOS

Minerva, I just had a wonderful thought.

_Do enlighten me._

I was just thinking about Argus -

_On second thoughts, I don't want to know._

Please listen.

_Alright._

I was just thinking about Argus. I mean, how long has he had that infernal cat of his?

_You mean the one that caught you when you were in that… err… compromising… position?_

Yes… and please, never mention that incident again.

_Right. Um, it feels like maaaaaaany years._

That's what I thought. Then it hit me.

_Was it the Bludger I hit to let out my frustration earlier?_

No, I mean a thought struck me. What if Mrs Norman - or whatever she's called- is an Animagus?

_Oh dear Merlin. Your spaceship has landed and it's awaiting your entrance._

Really? I asked for that years ago!

_Albus, I have never doubted your amazing-ness (not that much anyway) until now._

That's nice to know.

_Wow, I am officially scared for your sanity._

And I worry for yours.

_Oh, you've no need to worry, I lost that when I took the job here._

Ooh, put your claws away. Besides, I've still got it locked away in a cupboard in my office.

_What have you got locked away?_

Your sanity.

_Oh no._


	40. Memo 40

MEMOS

I was just talking to Sybil.

_I don't want to know._

But she made a prediction concerning you.

_Oh really?_

I thought you didn't want to know.

_I didn't, but I do now._

Anyways, she predicted that the two of you will soon become 'very firm friends'.

_She actually said that?_

As plain as the beard on my face.

_Albus, I TOLD YOU SHE WAS A FAKE!!_

Yes, well…

_Oh, give it up! Can you see us ever becoming anything close to friends?_

Touché…

_You have just got me really riled up._

Remember, deep breath in… deep breath out… and in… and out.

_Albus._

Imagine a warm sea rolling up over soft sandy beaches…

_Albus!_

Let the calm tranquillity washing over you…

_ALBUS!_

Feel the contentment…

_ALBUS PERCIVAL WULFRIC BRIAN DUMBLEDORE! SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!_

…

_Thank you._

I'll tell Sybil that her Inner Eye may need a bit of dusting off.


	41. Memo 41

MEMOS

_Why did I get a job as a teacher?_

Because you love children?

_I used to…_

Because you wanted to help your best friend out?

_That's what you think._

Because I begged you?

_That's probably it._

Why do you ask?

_Because Peter Pettigrew was so surprised at me turning up behind him that he spilled pumpkin juice all over me._

In tabby form?

_Yes. So now I can't get the smell of pumpkin juice and cat hair off of my skin._

Have a bath.

_I have. Three of them._

I'm so sorry.

_What for?_

Oh, I thought you might be able to hear me laughing from my office.

_You are such a pain in the hippogriff._

But you love it.

…

Don't you?

…

Don't you?

…

My self-esteem is plummeting.

_And hopefully your head is shrinking back to normal size. By my calculations you should be able to fit it through the door in about three days._

Says you Mrs 'I could hex you any day of the week'.

_But I can._

But of course…


	42. Memo 42

MEMOS

I think I have realised why you hate Dolores Frog-Face so much.

_Because she tries to be a home-wrecking little toad and tries to make a move on any man I even look at?_

Not quite. And, shame on you, you are married!

_Just so you know, I was talking about the past, besides, if I was talking about now - which I wasn't - there's no law against looking. Is it because she has an unnatural penchant for pink?_

I shall have to speak to Cornelius about that law. And no, it is not.

_Because she is generally awful, vulgar and disgusting!_

Well, there is that, but that's not what I was thinking.

_What were you thinking, dare I ask?_

I have a theory that it is because you both share a common liking for the feline species.

_That is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard! And that is saying something!_

Yes, considering that you have had to live in the same place as me for the majority of the year for nearly 36 years.

_And I've felt every second of it._


	43. Memo 43

MEMOS

Ouch. My head hurts.

_You've got it easy. You've never had to give birth._

If you didn't want children you should have used contraception.

_That was harsh._

I know, I apologize.

_Where exactly is your backbone?_

On my back?

_Why does your head hurt?_

Chandelier fell on it.

_Oh… was it…_

Peeves.

_Ah, that's what I thought._

Don't worry, I asked him to spike your next meal with cat food… whoops…

_You better not have!!!_

Er…

_ALBUS DUMBLEDORE YOU COMPLETE MORON!_


	44. Memo 44

MEMOS

_What in the name of Merlin's ginger beard have you done now?_

What do you mean?

_You took it, didn't you?_

I may have done. It'll do you good to have less of it, any way.

_You know very well that I can't function without a cup of coffee in the morning!_

Too much is bad for you.

_Well, it's entirely your fault if Hermione Granger could teach a class better than I can today._

She probably could anyway.

_I'm going to pretend that you never wrote that._

Denial is not a good thing, Minerva.

_You know that Rolanda is going to kill you, right?_

Speak of the devil…

* * *

That was AWFUL!

_Hate to say 'I told you so'…_

I know.

_It was all your own doing._

I know.

_And you'll have to explain to Poppy why you have broomstick twigs lodged in your hands._

I know.

_Ha._

I shouldn't have taken the coffee.

_I told you so._

I thought you didn't like to say that!

_I'll make an exception._


	45. Memo 45

MEMOS

_Summer holidays!_

Honestly, my dear, you are as bad as the children.

_But you love me all the same._

How do you know that?

_Everybody loves me._

Of course.

_Your faith in me is heart warming._

Back to the subject…

_Anyway, I was celebrating the end of the school year._

Ah, yes.

_You really must have dinner with us one night._

I am going to hold you to that now.

_But of course._

You should probably have protective barriers around your house if you are going to let me come in and destroy it.

_I already do, I mean, have you met my children?_

Ah, yes, that explains some things.

_Like what?_

Er… nothing.

_Oh, do tell me._

I would rather not.

_Please?_

Don't say I didn't warn you.

_Just tell me._

Like why you give the students so much work.

_What?_

It's to stop them from wrecking the castle, isn't it?

_ALBUS!_

Don't hurt me!!

_I won't…_

…

_MUCH…_


	46. Memo 46

MEMOS

Detention number 74310 for the four Marauders.

_Not. Funny._

I think it's hilarious.

_Please, those four are the reason my desk has a head-shaped dent in it!_

What have I told you about self-harming?

_Excuse me?_

Self-harming. The Muggles have this charming thing called an 'emo'.

_What on earth is an 'emo'?_

I have no idea. Something to do with being emotionally unstable, I think… uh oh…

_Bad move, Dumbledore, bad move._


	47. Memo 47

MEMOS

_Where are they?_

Where are what?

_Why do you insist on stealing from me?_

Enlighten me.

_Where did you put my hairpins?_

What?

_HAIR-PINS!_

Alright, don't get your wand in a knot!

_I am warning you!_

Fine! You'll have to come and find them!

_I don't have time. I have to teach the four Idiots first period._

What a shame.

_Well, I could just conjure some more…_

Where's the fun in that?

_I won't look like an idiot in front of my classes._

You look better with your hair down.

_Albus!_

I'll just vanish any that you conjure, you know that, don't you?

_Damn…_


	48. Memo 48

_A/N: Thank you all for your awesome reviews! Here's another one!_

* * *

MEMOS

_I blame you._

What for?

_Everything._

Anything in particular?

_Well, James Potter and Sirius Black started a bet that I got a new boyfriend because I had my hair down, Remus Lupin tried relentlessly to shut them up and Peter Pettigrew just stared at me all lesson. _

A normal day, then?

_It's entirely your fault._

I take pride in that.

_That's not the least of it._

It gets better?

_Worse._

Yes, for you. But, from my point of view, it gets better.

_If you don't want to know…_

No, no, no, I do!

_Shut up then._

…

_Grazie. Well, I swear there was a Muggle camera shoved in my face more than once, then the pictures you gave the four Idiots were scattered all around the Great Hall and the Common rooms._

I had noticed.

_Then, Pomona tried to turn my hair blue. But, thankfully, she never was any good at being inconspicuous so I managed to deflect it before my hair began changing. It was odd, she seemed to think she had a bet with you._

Erm…

_You idiot._

It's my tradition, you see. Every year, I have a bet with someone that they can turn another member of staff's hair a different colour. Hey, we can make it our tradition.

_Of course… _


	49. Memo 49

MEMOS

I see you've finally put Richard down and given him his face back.

_You are just jealous because you, my friend, are a lonely and bitter old man._

I resent that! Any way, if I did have a better half, I wouldn't spend the little time I would get to see them sucking their face off.

_As you wish._

It's true.

_But of course. _

And I am not lonely. I have Fawkes.

_Sounds fun…_

You're the jealous one now.

_Thank you, but I'd rather stick with Richard._

You say that…

_And I mean it._

You're lucky our four Marauders never saw him.

_Oh, Merlin, I hope not._

* * *

_A/N: To Be Continued..._


	50. Memo 50

MEMOS

_They saw him._

So it seems…

_And they've told everybody._

I wonder how they knew he was your husband.

_Merlin can only tell._

Yes, Mr Potter did seem to have fun shouting it around over dinner, though.

…

_I will kill those four one day._

Now, now, homicidal thoughts in a school are really not good things.

_Just because you know I'd come to get you next._

I might have to section you.

_You wouldn't dare!_

Wouldn't I?


	51. Memo 51

_A/N: Sorry, I have Shakepeare on the brain today!!!_

* * *

MEMOS

To be or not to be, that is the question.

_Why are you quoting Shakespeare?_

What light through yonder window breaks?

_Seriously…_

What, with my tongue in your tail? Nay, come again good Kate, I am a gentleman.

_Wow… I'm lost for words._

Double, double toil and trouble.

_I'm done! Goodbye!_

Now, come on and kiss me, Kate.

…

HA! She's gone!

_You know that you're still sending this back to me, don't you?_

DAMN!

_There goes Shakespeare…_

Where?

_Out the window._

Really? I don't see him! Oh, Mr SHA-KESPEARE!!!!

_Oh the shame…_


	52. Memo 52

MEMOS

Zip-a-de-doo-dah, zip-a-de-day…

_I will not ask._

Well, since you ask…

_I didn't!_

You did in my world. Anyhow, I have just a whole owl-free day.

_And you are singing because…?_

Don't you see?

_Evidently not._

It means I haven't had any pleading notes from the Minister.

_You might as well be Minister for the amount that you help him._

I would never do it.

_I know. So, the incompetent fool had laid off you for a day?_

Yep…

…

Uh oh… OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH! Just when I thought I had ONE Fudge-free day, he sends an urgent owl.

_What does it say?_

It's top secret.

_Can't you tell me?_

I would but if I did I would have to kill you.

_Not if I killed you first…_


	53. Memo 53

MEMOS

I learned something new today.

_Really… who would have thought it?_

I really did.

_Well, what did you learn?_

That shoe polish does NOT kill werewolves.

_Pardon me?_

Shoe polish has no effect on werewolves… apart from making their noses quite shiny.

_H-how did you find that out?_

I told Remus I was doing a little experiment.

_And he let you?_

Yes, he did.

_What is this world coming to?_


	54. Memo 54

MEMOS

I am so sorry.

_You had better be!_

I am. I just said so…

_That was so out of order, Dumbledore!_

I am afraid I fail to see exactly what was so 'out of order' about it?

_You really don't see it?_

Er…

_You woke me up at two o'clock in the morning to tell me something urgent._

Which it was!

_You asked me to get rid of a spider for you!_

That was urgent.

…

It was!

…

You know I hate spiders!

…

Stop throwing the memos away!

_Stop being an idiot!_

I am afraid that I can't do that, ma'am.


	55. Memo 55

MEMOS

Ow…

_What is it now?_

Fawkes bit me!

_My heart bleeds for you._

I wouldn't go that far, my dear.

_Sarcasm, Albus, sarcasm!_

That makes me feel so much better.

_See? You're getting the hang of it now. Why did he bite you? He never has before._

Well… I might have…

_Go on…_

I might have…

_Spit it out!_

I might have *accidentally* tried to feed him some rather tasty treats…

_Lemon drops?_

Sherbet Lemons, actually.

_When will you learn?_

When will you finally accept a sherbet lemon?

_Never._

My point exactly.

_Infuriating man._


	56. Memo 56

MEMOS

I saw what you did today.

_What are you, Alastor's secret sniper?_

That would be telling.

_What are you referring to, though?_

That would be telling.

_Don't mess with me!_

Fine…

_What did I do this time?_

I saw you laugh.

_Err… it has happened before._

No, you laughed at one of Potter and Black's pranks.

_You have to admit, though, they had guts._

What do you mean?

_They pulled it off, without being seen, right in front of the Minister of Magic._

I wonder if he's noticed yet?

_Yes, like he would notice a multi-coloured moustache; he looks like he's never seen a mirror before._

Well, that was nothing compared to what you, Poppy and Pomona used to do.

_Stop right there! Remember what we agreed?_

Never to speak of the pranks ever again.

_Good boy._

Not patronizing at all…


	57. Memo 57

MEMOS

How very Slytherin of you.

_What now?_

You didn't punish him.

_Who? … Oh…_

Yes. You let him go, in fact, you put him on your Quidditch team.

_You point being?_

That is not only against school rules, but it is also morally WRONG!

_He is better than his father and, you know, he could have- _

-Played for England, I know.

_What was your point then?_

It's very sneaky of you.

_It has been known to happen._

Severus isn't happy.

_What's out of the ordinary about that?_

Fair point.

…

Honestly, though, you should have been in Slytherin.

_You have just insulting hundreds of generations of my family. I hope you are happy._

Very.

...

I just hope your parents don't come back to haunt me!


	58. Memo 58

MEMOS

_I can't believe you._

Well, my amazing-ness is rather hard for some people to comprehend.

_Not what I meant._

What did you mean then?

_You are so annoying._

It's my speciality.

_I had worked that out…_

No, really, what did you want?

_You did it on purpose, didn't you?_

Why, yes, yes I did.

_That is evil._

…

_You know I'm ticklish._

I do.

_So why did you tickle me when you know I hate it?_

Because I know that you won't hurt me. Besides, I would have thought that Richard would tickle you plenty.

_Albus! 1) I will hurt you. 2) Richard doesn't tickle me because __he__ knows I hate it!_

He's obviously not doing his job right, then.

_ALBUS! _

I'm just saying that I could do a better job of it than he could.

_I'm praying to Merlin right now that you aren't flirting with me._

Oh please, you're not my type.

_So what is your type?_

Conversation over.

_What?_

…

_Albus?_

…

_Dumbledore?_

…

_Al?_

…

_And you tell me to stop throwing the memos away!_

I'm not throwing them away; I'm burning them!


	59. Memo 59

MEMOS

How are you today, my dear?

_Severely creeped out._

Why would that be?

_I went into the Ministry to help Alastor out and he kept tapping on his fake eye with the end of a quill._

I hope it didn't have ink on it.

_Would that not get on your nerves?_

No.

_Why?_

Because I asked him to do it… wait…

_You idiot._

I am an idiot.

_I am coming to get you._

Not if I get you first.

_What?_

I said "not if I get you first".

_Now I'm confused._

Bwah ha ha ha ha! My plan has worked!

_Actually, that would save me a job._

What would?

_You coming to find me._

Oh… damn… I didn't think of that.

_Do you ever think?_

Ye-es…

_Let me rephrase that: Do you ever think of anything useful?_

No… not really…

_My case is closed._

What case?

_Oh la la! _


	60. Memo 60

_A/N: By the way, I'd be glad to take a look at any ideas anyone has for more memos; just PM me!_

* * *

MEMOS

Are you alright?

_Why shouldn't I be?_

Would you believe that I am just concerned about you?

_What do you think?_

Do you think I'm that heartless?

_You could be if you wanted._

HA! You lose!

_I lose what?_

You were the first one not to talk in questions so you lose the game.

_What GAME? We weren't playing a game!_

Well I definitely was!

_You never told me, what is your type?_

Goodbye!

_Ah, peace for once…_

Not for long!

_Well, it was nice while it lasted._


	61. Memo 61

_A/N: For Puzzsta, the idea master for this chapter!_

* * *

MEMOS

_That was one of the worst ordeals of my life._

Charming.

…

Many years ago any woman would have given their right arm to be locked in a broom cupboard with me.

_Yes, many, many, MANY years ago. And it was only the women with severe mental problems…_

I repeat: charming!

_I know._

I really should thank the Marauders.

_Why?_

They gave us the opportunity to have our little chat.

_And they took away my wand. Did they take yours too?_

…

_Please tell me you didn't have your wand…_

Er…

_Oh no! You could have OPENED the DOOR!_

Anger will get you nowhere, my dear.

_But cursing you might._

Actually I have installed state of the art magical protection around my office.

_Oh really?_

It's called… er… nada… prano…

_Nada prano?_

Ye-es…

_That's all you could come up with? That's pathetic!_

Uh oh. I'm in trouble!

_You betcha!_


	62. Memo 62

MEMOS

_Urgh. Only two more days before the Beauxbatons snobs and Durmstrang riff-raff arrive._

So, if Beauxbatons is snobby and Durmstrang is rough, what would you say Hogwarts is?

_I like to think we are the happy medium with just an extra sprinkling of madness._

Speak for yourself!

_I beg your pardon._

Don't beg; it's really unattractive.

_I thought I wasn't your type._

You're not.

…

Anyway, what I meant was that SOME of us aren't as mad as you imply.

_Oh really?_

Yes.

_I am desperately hoping that you are not referring to yourself as one of those few._

I am.

_Really?_

Yes.

_Are you serious?_

Of course.

_Albus… I-I… what?_

I don't consider myself to be overly mad.

_Please be joking…_

Nope.

…

Oh, by the way, the Giant Squid told me he doesn't want cats around his lake.

_I give up._

So un-Gryffindor of you.

_Grrrr._


	63. Memo 63

_A/N: Thanks Puzzsta! Also inspired by a time my mother dyed her hair bright red so we started calling her Annie! :)_

* * *

MEMOS

_You are so dead!_

I beg to differ. I feel perfectly fine, thank you.

_You won't when I'm done with you!_

Promises, promises...

_Albus! Get your mind out of the gutter! _

_..._

_I can't believe you did that!_

Me either. I must have had too much pumpkin juice.

_You turned my hair bright red in front of everyone! While I was talking!_

Er... I thought it would show your House loyalty...

_Why don't I believe you?_

Because you are non-believer and that is a flaw, my dear. Goodbye!

_Albus?_

_..._

_Hello?_

_..._

_Idiot._


	64. Memo 64

MEMOS

_I think I may turn homicidal very soon._

Why this time?

_I was just speaking to Charity Burbage about her new lesson plan._

What about it?

_She used a Muggle television._

And?

_The remote control went missing so now, every time she tries to use it, it skips, loses its volume and changes channel or something like that._

Remote control?

_A little box with Muggle batteries that controls the television._

One of the children probably took it for a practical joke.

...

Wait... does it have lots of little rubbery buttons?

_I think that's what she said._

Ah.

_Oh no, what have you done?_

Er...

_Tell me!_

It's not my fault... specifically...

_Spill it Dumbles!_

Fawkes sort of... found it.

_Charity's going to kill you._

Don't be daft, she's much nicer than you; she wouldn't dream of it!

_Let's see, shall we? Oh, there she is! Oh, CHARITY!_

Nooooooo! I'm off to hide! See you later!

_Chicken._

* * *

_A/N: This little titbit was inspired by my Geography lesson; the guy still has the remote so we end up watching volcano videos with hardly any sound. I really feel sorry for my teacher!_


	65. Memo 65

_A/N: For Tabithatibi :)_

* * *

MEMOS

_I can't believe you actually did it._

I can't believe it took you –what? – three mouthfuls to realise I had.

_You are a brute!_

You are mistaking me for your husband.

_WHAT?_

You said so every time you were in labour.

_That's because I was in labour! IDIOT! Back to the point: you ACTUALLY got the elves to tamper with it._

I did warn you.

...

I am a man of my word.

_A man? Really? That's news to me._

Ha ha.

_I'm going to have to have words with those elves._

Good luck with that.

_How on earth did you convince them to actually spike my food with cat food?_

Oh, it was simple enough. You just have to be polite to them.

_Mistake!_

Oh no! No, no, no! Minerva stay in your office!

_Not going to work! You really are an idiot. Oh, DOBBY!_

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


	66. Memo 66

MEMOS

I must applaud James Potter and co. on their ingenuity.

_Why in the name of Merlin's rotten teeth would you do that?_

They really should write a book of their little pranks.

_They really should focus on their studies._

Are you ignoring the earlier incident then?

_What incident?_

The whole mistletoe fiasco.

_I have no idea what you are talking about._

Of course not.

_No really. You must be going senile._

Are you honestly telling me that you have no recollection of the four Marauders forcing the two of us to 'snog' under the mistletoe?

_I would hardly call that a snog!_

Ha! I knew it!

...

If you don't call that a snog, Richard must be a very lucky man.

_Shut up, Albus!_

No thank you.

_It wasn't that. It was the whole day after that._

So you enjoyed kissing me then?

_No._

_..._

_You smelled like fish._

Charming.

_Actually, I think it would have been really funny to wind them up for the day rather than them doing so to everybody else. But they need to rein it in! They are so over-the-top! Next thing you know, they'll be sending us each love letters signed from the other._

...

_Albus!_

_..._

_Are you ignoring me?_

_..._

_ALBUS?_

FISH?

_Urgh. I've created a monster!_

FISH?


	67. Memo 67

MEMOS

Well, that was an interesting evening.

_If interesting is what you call it..._

I thought it was rather fun.

_In what way is taking Polyjuice Potion to take on the form of my husband FUN?_

I didn't take it knowingly!

_Bloody JAMES POTTER!_

Actually, I do belive this one was of Mr. Black's imagination.

_I don't give a damn!_

Calm down, Minnie.

_Don't call me THAT!_

I didn't, I called you Minnie.

_SHUT UP!_

How did you know it was me, anyway?

_As soon as you suggested a chess game, I knew._

How?

_1) Richard's awful at chess and 2) there are other things he would have suggested first._

Too much information! Please keep your private life PRIVATE!

_Fine._

...

_I'm still going to kill Potter._

Black.

_POTTER AND BLACK, then! Satisfied?_

Well, I'd really rather you didn't -

_Shut up!_

* * *

_A/N: Sorry, I forgot to mention that the last memo, as well as this one, were both Puzzsta's ideas. _


	68. Memo 68

MEMOS

Minerva, kindly come to my office as soon as possible.

_Ooh, a summons. What have I done this time?_

Oh, nothing at all.

_Then why do I need to go to your office?_

As a matter of fact, I require your assistance with a rather important task.

_What is it?_

You shall find out when you get here.

_I refuse to do anything until you tell me what it is!_

And what would you do if these memos were intercepted and your secret mission was discovered.

_Albus, we are in a school of hormonal teenagers who, for the most part, have no interest in the personal lives of their teachers... hang on, why do I work here again?_

_..._

_That's not the point, anyway. What I meant was: what exactly could they do?_

Fine, I will tell you.

_Go on then._

Well, let me get a word in edgeways and I will.

...

Thank you! I really need you, Minerva McGonagall, to help me in the honourable task of getting this dratted Drooble's out of my beard.

_Drooble's?_

Yes, Drooble's, you know... the bubble gum.

_Albus Dumbledore..._

Thank you, I know my name.

_I can't believe you would call me all the way up to your office to get chewing gum out of your beard._

Actually, it's bubble gum.

_It's the same thing! Are you a wizard or not?_

You see, the thing is... I seem to have misplaced my wand...

_You WHAT? What am I, a babysitter?_

...

_Merlin! You just can't do anything for yourself, can you?_

...

_Fine, I will help you._

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

_You owe me._

Owe you what?

_We'll see when I decide, won't we?_

*gulp*.


	69. Memo 69

_A/N: This one is inspired by the snow that's still blanketing my house. Enjoy._

* * *

MEMOS

_I do love the snow._

Finally, Ice Queen's heart is melting! REJOICE!

_Ha ha ha!_

Oh sweet Merlin, she's even laughing!

_Sarcasm really doesn't work on you..._

I know.

_I think I might go and join Filius's snowball fight._

I wouldn't if I were you.

_Why not?_

It's not snow.

_Of course it is!_

It is not.

_What else could it be then?_

It's dandruff.

_What?_

Dandruff. White flakes of dandruff.

...

Minerva, are you there?

_I'm sorry, I just fainted from laughing so much._

Why are you laughing?

_It's snow, Albus!_

No, really. It's my dandruff. It always gets terrible around winter.

_Very funny!_

I am being totally honest here.

_Well, I'm going out in the... 'dandruff'..._

Fine, you do that.

... **TEN MINUTES LATER...**

_You did that on purpose!_

Yes, I suppose I did.

_You knew they were going to charm that snowman, didn't you?_

They?

_*GASP* It was you? How could you?_

It's my early Christmas gift to the students.

_What, making a fool out of me?_

I think that a dancing snowman was rather a good idea.

_Yes, but not when it tries to ATTACK your staff._

I'm sure it didn't try to attack anybody.

_You try telling that to poor Filius._

_..._

_I'm telling Poppy that it was all your fault, by the way._

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I beg of you; don't do it!

_Too late._

Merlin! Witches around their time of the month are certainly something.

_ALBUS!_

I just assumed...

_You assumed wrong, old man._

Old man?

_Yes._

Well, in that case, I challenge you to a SNOWBALL FIGHT!

_WITHOUT enchanted snowmen._

Fine!

_You are on!_

* * *

_A/N: Is it wrong that I feel more festive now than I did at Christmas?_


	70. Memo 70

MEMOS

_This was definitely NOT in the job description when I started here._

What wasn't?

_The fact that I would be stressing myself out every day because of idiotic toads._

Now, see here, I'm sure Longbottom's toad – Trevor, was it? – never did anything to offend you.

_I wasn't talking about THAT toad!_

Oh... I knew that.

_Keep telling yourself that, dear._

I will, thank you!

...

Which toad are we talking about then?

_Take a wild guess._

Severus?

_Since when have I ever called Severus a toad?_

Yesterday.

...

You called him a slimy-haired creepy bat toad!

_You must have been hearing things..._

Keep telling yourself that, dear.

_Don't use my words against me! _

...

_I didn't mean Severus._

Who did you mean?

_Who do you think?_

Look, we ALL know that I am awful at guessing games. You would just save your time and mine by telling me out right.

_I can't write the name because I can guarantee you that, if I did, this memo would mysteriously find its way into her hands._

Oh... I get it now...

_Do you?_

No!

_Goodbye, Albus._

No, don't go!

...

Please?

...

*Puppy dog pout*

...

Pleeease?

...

So much for best friends.

...

I'm off to set a giant marshmallow loose in the Hospital Wing!

...

I'm off to leak slime into the library!

...

I'm off to bewitch Dolores' teapot!

_I'm there!_

I knew I'd get you to write back!

_Fine. But now you ACTUALLY have to bewitch the teapot._

You're on!


	71. Memo 71

MEMOS

I have a secret!

_What is it?_

If I told you, it wouldn't be a secret.

_You never said it had to stay a secret._

But if I told you, I'd have to kill you.

_I would like to see you try._

Yes... there is that...

...

...

_Are you going to tell me, then?_

Well, I could...

_But will you?_

I don't know... you might have to do me a favour first.

_Hey! You're the one who is in debt to me!_

Yes, but every day of my fabulous friendship is a favour to you.

_If you say so..._

That was cold.

_I know._

_..._

_Tell me!_

Ok...

...

BUT FIRST...

_Aaaaaargh!_

Just one little favour?

_Will it shut you up?_

Indefinitely.

_Fine. What's the favour?_

* * *

_A/N: CLIFFHANGER! Yes, I am evil. What was Albus's secret? Your guess is as good as mine! It shall be revealed next chapter! But, I'm curious, what would YOU say his secret was?_


	72. Memo 72

MEMOS

_So what is this favour you want?_

I need your help to solve a crime of monstrous proportions!

_Which is...?_

There had been a theft!

_Oh, if you're talking about Horace's crystallised pineapple, that was me. He needs to give that stuff up._

I can't believe you did that! I've had him practically biting my ears off for weeks!

_He was that hungry?_

I won't dignify that with an answer.

...

That was not the theft to which I was referring, anyway.

_Who's lost something?_

Me, as a matter of fact.

_Please tell me you've lost the lemon drops! Pleeeeease!_

Fortunately not.

_So what have you lost?_

I have not lost them, they have been stolen!

_JUST TELL ME WHAT HAS BEEN STOLEN!!_

My socks.

_Your socks?_

My socks! They have been cruelly snatched from me!

...

They were bright orange with green snowmen on them.

_You have soooooo many socks! How did you even notice they were gone?_

It may surprise you to learn that I keep my socks in individual numbered compartments.

...

_You organise your socks? _

_..._

_You don't organise anything else! Why your socks?_

As you said (or wrote), I have soooooo many socks.

_..._

I could hear you sighing from the other side of the castle; that's a new record.

_Thank you._

So, will you help me?

_Urgh. I suppose so. Providing you PROMISE to tell me this secret._

I promise with every fibre of my being and each brain cell that I have, my dear.

_So... 2 brain cells, then?_

You should really look into a career in comedy.

_Just because you want rid of me..._

I think we should leave this subject before I say something that gets me castrated.

_Wise choice._

Meet me in my office in five minutes.

~***Three hours later***~

_I cannot BELIEVE that I wasted my entire Saturday searching for your socks!_

Actually, I don't think it was an entirely wasted afternoon; I did find my socks after all!

_THEY WERE ON YOUR FEET ALL ALONG!!_

Well, I know that now! Hindsight is a frustrating thing.

_As are you!_

I'll give you that one.

_..._

_So what is the secret you were going to tell me?_

Oh...

_Uh oh... I don't like the look of this..._

I... I think I may have forgotten the secret...

_YOU MUST BE JOKING!_

Yes, I am.

_Are you trying to give me a heart attack?_

No, but Horace is...

...

Whoops!

...

I suppose I shouldn't have written that...

_That man is now officially my new target!_

He wasn't before?

_Only partly. But will you just tell me this secret?_

Yes.

_Go on._

Okay.

_Yes?_

Yes.

_Quoi?_

I'm getting there.

_*Sigh* Did you hear that one?_

No. The secret is that I knew you would help me if I called.

_WHAT?_

I'm sure you don't need me to repeat it; you can simply re-read the last memo.

_I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU COULD BE THAT STUPID... AND ANNOYING!!_

And yet you have known me all these years.

...

_I wonder if Filius does know a castration charm._

UH OH!

...

Minerva?

...

Are you there?

...

That wasn't my secret...

_WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!_


	73. Memo 73

_A/N: Has anybody else ever played 'The Game'? Dang... I just lost!_

* * *

MEMOS

Damn!

_What have you done this time?_

I resent the fact that you always assume that I have done something wrong!

_You generally have..._

You have a point.

...

Oh, and I said "damn!" because I lost the game.

_What game?_

THE GAME!

_I repeat: what game?_

The Game!

_*Deep sigh* We aren't getting anywhere with this, are we?_

Well, I am TRYING to tell you about The Game!

_WHAT GAME?_

It's called The Game.

_I see where we're getting confused._

Really?

_NO!_

Would you like me to explain The Game to you?

_If you must..._

Yes, I must.

...

The Game is a game in which if you remember –or think about - The Game, you automatically lose.

_That is a stupid game._

Well, you've lost The Game, too, now.

_But I wasn't even playing!_

Everybody is playing The Game, they just don't realise it.

_No, I really wasn't playing The Game._

You really were.

_I wasn't!_

You were!

_I wasn't!_

YOU WERE!

_I WASN'T!_

Now who's being childish?

_You started it..._

_..._

_Anyway, how did I LOSE The Game?_

I told you about it.

_You will have to elaborate for me._

I told you about it and, therefore, I made you think about it. Hence, you lose!

_God, give me strength for I am dealing with a monster._

But a very funny monster!

_That is open for debate..._


	74. Memo 74

_A/N: This chapter's for greenlover2. I'm back to writing! WOO! School work's been mounting up, but here I am! :) Enjoy._

* * *

MEMOS

Minerva, you will NEVER guess who I have just been speaking to!

_Won't I?_

No, you won't. Take a guess anyway.

_Carter Rolandson. Or his twin. Either one will do._

SORCERESS! How did you guess that?

_I saw him leaving._

BURN THE WITCH!

_Excuse me, there is no need for that._

Sorry, force of habit.

_I should hope not!_

Oh, come on, I've heard the Marauders shout it at you more than once.

_So, what, you join in now?_

No-ooo…

_I won't forget this._

Elephants rarely do, my dear.

_Keep digging yourself a pit, Albus, and I will smash your damned shovel over your head before burying you alive._

But if you've already hit me on the head -

_You'll be unconscious._

Oh…

…

_So which one were you talking to?_

Xavier.

_Ah. How old is he now?_

The same age as Carter, obviously; they're twins!

_That's not what I meant._

Why did you write it then?

_How old is Carter?_

The same age as Xavier!

_Albus!_

Ye-ees?

_I asked you a straight question._

To which I gave a straight answer.

_Which is odd for you._

I hope that wasn't a sexuality joke.

_Interpret it how you will._

You know that I am your employer, don't you?

_I get the feeling we've had this conversation before._

We have. This will be the seven hundredth time.

_Not on my watch._

Minerva?

…

Sorceress?

…

Oh, great and wise one?

_You called?_


	75. Memo 75

MEMOS

Goooooood morning!

_Albus, I'm in the middle of a class._

Which one?

_Second year Gryffindors and Slytherins._

Ah, I remember it well; the burning rivalry and clever gibes… turning each other into giant frogs.

_Nothing has changed since the dark ages, has it?_

That was a cheap shot.

_I know._

You are evil, do you know that?

_Yes I do._

*SIGH*

_Sigh all you like, nobody can hear you. Bwah ha ha ha ha!_

About that psychiatrist…

_There's your cheap shot for the day._

That felt good.

_Get used to it. The four annoyances are staring at me._

Turn off your feline charm and do up your top buttons.

_Ha ha ha! _

…

_I think it may have something to do with the fact that there are bird-shaped memos flying in and out of my classroom every two minutes._

Not my fault.

_You keep telling yourself that, dear._

I will. Thank you for your permission.

_Hang on, let me try Legilimency…_

…

_*GASP* They are planning on turning a quill into a net. They are going to try to catch our memos!_

NOOOOOOOOOO!

_Talk to you later… Lupin is getting involved. They'll have the damn net in not time!_

…

James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and possibly Peter Pettigrew, STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW. DROP THE NET. PAY ATTENTION TO PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL (she might hex you if you don't… believe me, she can get scary!). THIS MEMO WILL SELF-DESTRUCT IN TEN SECONDS. Kind regards, Albus Dumbledore.


	76. Memo 76

_A/N: Thank you, tabithatibi._

* * *

MEMOS

_You freak._

Thank you so much.

_Any time._

What, may I ask, did I do to earn such a title?

_You ACTUALLY called me a psychiatrist._

I know.

_You made me sit for an hour with Doctor Frankenstein!_

I know.

_You asked me to talk to him about my "feelings"._

I know.

_Do you have anything to say in your defence?_

Yes. I do not believe his name was Doctor Frankenstein.

…

It was Doctor Matthews.

…

He was very glad to see you.

_I was not glad to see him._

Well, believe it or not, I can tell that.

_If you EVER pull a stunt like this again, I WILL curse you into next Friday._

Your threats mean nothing to me anymore.

_They will when your stupidity gets the better of you once again._

I wouldn't count on it.

…

**Ten minutes later**

_Albus, would you care to explain to me why I found a half-dead fish in my glass of pumpkin juice?_

No I would not.

_You are a bad person._

Sticks and stones…

_What about them?_

…

I actually don't know… nobody ever finished telling me that saying.

_In which case I will be at your room in FIVE…_

So you finally divorced your husband?

_FOUR…_

You know, I think it's a little cruel trying to jump into my bed straight after leaving him.

_THREE…_

I'm actually getting quite worried that your memos are arriving faster and faster.

_TWO…_

And faster…

_ONE…_

I'm not in my office.

_You're kidding?_

Yes.

…

Damn!


	77. Memo 77

_A/N: From the deep imagination of Puzzsta._

* * *

MEMOS

I told you I wasn't in my office.

_Albus, where on earth are you?_

I'm in a top secret covert location.

_You aren't hiding in the broom cupboard again, are you?_

Not this time.

_Whose bed are you hiding under?_

I don't know what you are talking about.

_Last time you hid away from me, you gave Filius the fright of his life by jumping out from under his bed. The man couldn't look you in the eyes for three months._

I will forever deny that accusation.

_Fine, live in denial._

**Hey there, Professor McGonagall. I couldn't help but notice you sending memos into our dormitory and I would like to ask you to stop. You're scaring Peter.**

_Who is this?_

**You know me only as Prongs.**

_Potter._

**How did you know?**

_Number one, I have to mark your papers and homework every week, I know that handwriting. Number two, I heard Mr. Black calling you that._

**You are one sneaky lady.**

_I like to think so._

Minerva? Why aren't you replying to my memos?

_Are you stealing my memos, Potter?_

**It depends on whether you're going to give me a detention for admitting it.**

_I won't_.

**I'm totally keeping your memos.**

_I thought so._

Minerva? Helloooooooo?

_Potter, where exactly is the Headmaster._

**I'm not sure I can tell you that, Professor.**

_Three weeks of detention._

**He told me you were in one of **_**those**_** moods.**

_One of what moods?_

**Nothing…**

_Four weeks._

**He's under Sirius's bed.**

_You crack that easily?_

**Only for you, Minnie.**

_Don't call me that. And do me a favour, Potter?_

**Anything for you.**

_Please stop talking to me like that… it's freaky. And will you pass the next memo on to Professor Dumbledore?_

**Technically, I'm writing. And yes, I will.**

_Albus, I know where you are._

Oh, now you decide to answer!

***Two Minutes Later***

…

_Albus, I know where you are._

No, you don't.

_Look up, Dumbledore. BOO!_

ARGH! Ouch… that's not fair!

_Told you. I hope those socks have permanently damaged your nostrils; it will teach you a lesson._

***LATER THAT NIGHT***

…

**Yeah, and then McG snuck up on him in cat form and he looked up and then he banged his head on the bed.**

_**Why are we writing to each other Prongs? We're sat two feet apart.**_

**Just thought you might like to know that Dumbles was hiding under your bed, Padfoot.**

_**Really? EWWWW…**_

**Thought you might say that…**

* * *

_A/N: Just in case you hadn't worked it out, _**BOLD **_is James Potter and __**BOLD ITALIC**__ is Sirius Black. I hope you liked that one._


	78. Memo 78

MEMOS

Minerva, can I ask your advice?

_You can ask but I cannot guarantee that you'll get it._

You would leave your dearest friend in such an awful dilemma?

_No. If my dearest friend asked, I would gladly give her my advice._

That was cold.

_Thanks._

…

_However, I am legally obliged to offer you a sarcastic comment in place of advice if your application fails._

You are so generous.

_I like to think so._

Riiiight…

_Sarcasm noted._

Thanks… I try…

_So did you have a problem or not?_

Well, yes I did. But now I don't know whether I should tell you…

_Oh, please do! Wait… __**you**__ were supposed to be begging for __**my**__ help…_

So I was…

_What's the problem?_

I may have drop-kicked a friend's pet by accident.

_And how does that make you feel?_

What are you doing?

_Mimicking the psychiatrist YOU SENT FOR ME!_

So… you still hold that grudge, huh?

_It's not a grudge, I just haven't fully released all my anger yet. It will hit you when you least expect it._

I look forward to it. You still haven't answered my question, though. What would you do if you accidentally drop-kicked your best friend's pet?

_If I accidentally drop-kicked Fawkes?_

Fawkes? You know, you are actually quite sweet.

_Tell anybody and I'll gauge out your eyeballs._

Threat noted.

_If I "accidentally" drop-kicked Fawkes, I would tell you after making sure that he was alright._

Would you?

_No! I would run like hell and pray to Merlin that he hadn't learned to talk like parrots do._

That's helpful…

_Why do you need to know this? And how is it possible to ACCIDENTALLY drop-kick an animal?_

Quite easily.

_I repeat: why do you need to know this?_

This is the point where, if we were talking normally, I would mutter something incomprehensible.

_ALBUS!_

I may have accidentally drop-kicked your cat.

_You did WHAT?_

I think you read it pretty loud and clear the first time…

_Damn right I did!_

I'm going to start running now.

_Well done, you've learned the routine._

Does that mean I'm off the hook.

_NO YOU ARE NOT "OFF THE HOOK"!_

Bye bye, Hogwarts.

_Good luck._

…

_Aberforth?_

**Yes, Minerva?**

_Don't let Albus out of the pub._

**What did he do this time?**

_I'll tell you when I get there. Oh, and have a butterbeer waiting for me, will you?_

**Of course.**

_Thanks, Abe._

**I'm guessing I'll be an only child after tonight…**

_You just might be, Abe, you just might be…_

* * *

_A/N: You may be laughing right now, but think seriously about this for a minute and you will see this is actually animal cruelty... like watching a cat spinning around on one of those ceiling fan thingies. DISCLAIMER: I don't condone animal cruelty :)_

**Bold **is for Aberforth!


	79. Memo 79

MEMOS

Knock, knock.

_Get away from my office._

I am nowhere NEAR your office.

_What?_

I was trying to instigate a joke.

_Really?_

Though, you seem to be unfamiliar with the concept of humour.

_Strike One._

Knock, knock.

_Strike Two._

What was that one for?

_All knock, knock jokes are ridiculously awful._

Not this one, my dear, not this one!

_Just because you said it, I am inclined to believe MY theory even more._

Two-one to me.

_I think you'll find that's 7621 - 2 in my favour._

Actually, I'm sure it's more than that.

_You're right… I lost count some time in the 60s._

Ah, the good old days.

_Not in terms of the clothes._

Like you can talk, Mrs Pop Art!

_I told you never to speak of that again!_

And I told you that I would treasure the memory for life… and for blackmail purposes.

_Moving swiftly on, let's hear this joke if you're so intent on telling it._

Knock, knock.

…

Knock, knock!

…

KNOCK, KNOCK!

_I'm NOT saying it, Albus._

Then I'll keep going: Knock, knock.

_*Sigh* Who's there?_

A Plimpy!

_A Plimpy, who?_

No, that was it.

…

That was the punch line. "a plimpy!"

…

I apologize for my scribbled handwriting but I can't stop laughing.

_I will never fully understand the male mind…_


	80. Memo 80

_A/N: Two in one day? Aren't you lucky bunnies?_

* * *

MEMOS

Hellooooooooo, Minnie!

_Good morning, Albus. What has you so happy at this ungodly hour of the morning?_

Nothing at all… zest for life, I suppose!

_Well, you may have the zest for life, but I have LOST the will to live._

Was that before or after you lost your marbles?

_I couldn't possibly answer that._

But you CAN'T lose the will to live! Who else shall I insult (only to barely make it out alive) and laugh at?

_Albus, you work at Hogwarts. Take your pick._

…

_Sybil Trelawney_

…

_Just about any Weasley_

…

_Or (my personal favourite) Dolores Jane Frogface!_

I prefer you.

_Aww… sweet._

I know.

_Still married, Albus! Not planning to divorce any time soon and not good with beards. Satisfied now?_

Noooooo.

_Thought so._

Oh, that reminds me, I had something that I desperately needed to ask you.

_Yes?_

I wanted to know if…

_Yes?_

If…

_Get on with it!_

I just wondered whether you had been to the vet recently?

_Start. Your. Getaway. Old man._

I'm going, I'm going.

_Quidditch pitch is off bounds this time._

DAMN!

_Why hide in a wide open space?_

It's the last place you'd look.

_Touché…_

…

_Now, where was I…_

…

_Oh, yes… I'M COMING, READY OR NOT._

…

_You use that as any sort of innuendo and I WILL hurt you._

POPPY, SAVE ME!


	81. Memo 81

_A/N: For BuzzCat!_

* * *

MEMOS

I just found out something very interesting…

_What is it?_

Actually, it's quite worrying…

_What is it?_

I think I might have seen it in my Nostradamus…

_JUST tell me what it is, already!_

Really, I think the Mayans might have predicted this…

_ALBUS!_

Sorry, sorry…

_What's taking you so long?_

I'm trying to recover my point.

_You were going to tell me something end-of-the-world terrifying._

Ah, yes.

_And?_

I just found out that SOMEBODY has a certain irrational fear.

_Is it that Severus is afraid of Hinkypunks? Because I already knew that._

HE IS?

_That's clearly not what you wanted to tell me._

No. What I mean is that YOU, Minerva McGonagall, are deathly afraid of mice.

_Who told you this?_

You always insist that students hand out the mice, you have never caught a mouse in all your time as an Animagus and you jump every time you think you hear something run over the floor, you jump two feet out of your seat. You do the maths.

_WHO told you this?_

I just told you, pure deduction.

_WHO WAS IT?_

*Cowering in fear*.

_WHO?!_

*Setting up invisible barrier*.

_ALBUS PERCIVAL WULFRIC BRIAN DUMBLEDORE!_

Barrier complete! Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

_I'm outside your office._

It was SEVERUS!

_And you were supposed to have defeated Grindelwald…_

And you were supposed to be a cat…

…

I can't resist it any longer...

...

I'm telling the Marauders!

_ALBUS!_


	82. Memo 82

_A/N: Say hellooooo to Severus (his writing is in __**bold**__)._

* * *

MEMOS

**Albus Dumbledore, I HATE you.**

What have I done this time?

**You told… HER… what I told you!**

Who do you mean _by her_?

**You know exactly… wait… why am I seeing two different types of handwriting?**

Minerva's in my office.

_Hello Severus!_

**So now you are finishing each other's sentences? Cute.**

_Envy is not pretty._

**Neither are you.**

Now, that hurt, Severus.

**Not you! I was talking to Minerva!**

We share each other's pain.

**Oh, for Merlin's sake.**

_I'll set the hinkypunk on you._

**You didn't tell him?**

She did!

_I did._

**You could have denied it, at least. Stupid Gryffindors.**

_Would you have believed me?_

…

**Touché**_**… **_

_I have more Slytherin in me than you'll ever know._

Believe me, I know!

_The great thing is, Albus cannot possibly insult me right now._

**Why not?**

_Because I'm sat right next to him… THAT IS NOT AN INVITATION, ALBUS!…besides, I caught him last time and he ended up dangling by his shoelaces from the astronomy tower._

**Ouch… Why didn't you fight back?**

She took my wand.

_Like I said, more Slytherin than you will ever know._

She's alright most of the time...Unless you annoy/insult/pester/upset her.

**Not very tolerant is she?**

_Careful what you say, Dumbledore._

**Ooh, 'Dumbledore' now, is it?**

Don't push her.

**I wouldn't like to.**

Are you trying to get me murdered, man?

**In one word: yes.**

_No, Albus, he's trying to get himself murdered._

I don't like the sound of this.

**YOU don't like the sound of this? She's about to kill me!**

Yep… she's just left my office.

**I'm out of here. If you ever find my body, I want to be buried not cremated and I want everybody to wear yellow.**

Yellow?

**It's my favourite colour.**

I salute you, my fine yellow fellow. Now run, run for the hills!

…

…

Severus?

…

…

Okay, he's gone, Minerva.

_YELLOW? Ha ha ha ha ha!_

I am going to get it in the neck for this...


	83. Memo 83

MEMOS

Alright, I've done it.

**Done what?**

Planted the … you know what… in the cupboard.

**Why do you keep calling it a "you know what"?**

Because, Sevvie, she has eyes everywhere.

**Albus, she has two eyes.**

That's not what worries me.

…

What worries me is the fact that you haven't reacted to being called Sevvie.

…

…

Sevvie?

…

…

…

Please don't leave!

**Which cupboard did you put it in?**

Which cupboard did I put what in?

**The - **

Don't say it! She has eyes everywhere.

**The… you know what.**

The one in the staffroom with the tea.

**You idiot.**

Why am I an idiot this time?

**Because I am in the staffroom as well.**

…

**OH NO! She's just told me it's my turn to make tea.**

Put her off!

**I tried, but Minerva is one stubborn cow.**

Don't call my work wife that!

**Your work wife?**

Don't ask.

**Albus, she is reeeeally angry…**

Man up!

**This coming from you…?**

Either make the tea or I'll hex you myself.

**So I'll get hexed either way?**

Yes.

**I'd rather you did it, in that case.**

Why?

**You won't like the answer.**

Well, in that case…

…

JUST OPEN THE DAMNED CUPBOARD!

**But the "you know what" is going to go all over me!**

Do it!

**I don't want to!**

Are you man or mouse?

**Bat, actually, but that is neither here nor there.**

DO IT!

**Fine. On your head be it!**

…

_**5 MINUTES LATER!**_

_Albus! Guess what?_

What is it, my dear?

_I just saw the most hilarious thing!_

Severus getting covered in troll snot?

_No, I… wait… that's right. How did you…?_

I knew it would be the answer to a question someday…

_You planned it, didn't you?_

Well, I did, but it didn't turn out quite as it was meant.

_What did you mean to do?_

It's not so much what as who it was meant for…

_Who was it for?_

Nobody…

_What?_

Er…

_Did you cook this up with Severus?_

Ye-es.

_Who were you aiming it at?_

Well I wouldn't say aiming…

_Let me rephrase that: Who was Severus aiming at?_

YOU!

_How did I know you would tell me when I said that?_

Because you know everything, oh great and mighty wifey!

_Good dog. _

…

_And don't call me wifey or I'll set Richard on you._

I'll be good.

…

Goodness gracious me, she can't even fight her own battles.

_Wrong person, Albus. You're still sending the memos to me._

Oh… whoops.

_If I were you, I would avoid Severus for a while… or a year._

He's that angry?

_Yes. And I would also brush up on duelling skills._

He's that angry?

_No. I AM!_

Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrgh!


	84. Memo 84

MEMOS

You're fired.

_WHAT?_

You're also very gullible.

_You idiot._

Had you scared for a minute though, didn't I?

_You wish._

…

_Why did you do that to me?_

Umbridge told me to do it.

_Oh, charming! So now you're her bitch?_

What?

_You do what she tells you._

You have got to stop talking to the children.

_There may be a problem with that… it's kind of my job._

Kind of? It's nice to know you have such a clear view of your career.

_You never answered my question._

For your information, I am not - as you so delicately put it - "Umbridge's bitch".

_So why should I be fired this time?_

You told the House Elves to replace her dinner with a bowl of dead flies.

_You have no proof!_

House Elves are obliging when asked.

_Damn!_

Ha! The evil genius finally slips up.

_Shut it._

Yes, ma'am.

_I'm off to have a party._

Why?

_You're still my bitch!_

**You are soooooo her bitch.**

Who is this?

**Hey, Dumbles!**

Who is this?

**Gred Wesley.**

Gred? Don't you mean Fred Weasley?

**How could you tell?**

You're in detention, aren't you?

**Yes siree!**

That figures.

**Minnie really must stop leaving her memos lying around the place.**

You were sneaking through her papers, weren't you?

**I am not willing to risk earning several more detentions by admitting/denying that accusation.**

I won't tell her.

**Yes I was.**

You crack that easily?

**Only for you, Dumbles.**

You remind me of someone…

**Oooh! Who? Who? Who?**

* * *

_A/N: Déjà vu, anybody?_


	85. Memo 85

MEMOS

Minerva?

_Yes._

You know you love me?

_No, Albus, I do not. We have had this conversation._

Well… you know you admire me?

_That can be debated._

I know you idol-worship me and have a shrine in your office. That's why all the first years come out of your office with that tormented expression.

_Albus, what do you want? And if I get it for you, will you stop pestering me?_

Yes.

For a few minutes, at least.

…

Can you accompany me on a trip?

_To where?_

No, not to "where".

_What?_

I need you to come with me to the Ministry.

_NO!_

But_, _Min_…_

_NO!_

Please?

_Absolutely and categorically NO!_

I give you permission to hex Fudge.

_So now you want to send me to Azkaban?_

Yes…

…

I mean…

…

NO!

…

That is what you wanted me to say, isn't it?

_Which bit?_

Er… 'no'…

_You were so close to being jinxed._

Phew.

_I'm still not going to the Ministry._

Why not?

_If I wanted to listen to a half-wit fool who doesn't know how to run a bath, let alone a wizarding community, I would sit and listen to Argus's tirade about child abuse as a suitable detention regime._

Fudge is away.

_I'm in!_

*THREE HOURS LATER*

Well, that was a pleasant time.

…

You know, we really should drop into the Ministry more often.

…

I think we should visit Kingsley for a spot of tea one day soon.

…

Yes, there's an idea. I'm sure you would like to see your old office in the Auror Sector, wouldn't you?

…

Minerva?

…

Cat got your tongue?

…

Was it Mrs. Norris?

…

Not very talkative today, are you?

…

Min?

_YOU LIED TO ME!_


	86. Memo 86

MEMOS

_I really cannot believe you!_

What did I do this time?

_I think you know._

No… really, I don't.

_Are you sure?_

Yeeeees.

_Take a second to think about it._

Well, I don't see what I could possibly have done to… oh… uh oh.

_YOU INVITED MY MOTHER TO HOGWARTS! What were you thinking? CAN you think? _

Contrary to popular belief (ahem) I CAN think.

_All I have heard for the ENTIRE day is: "Minerva, dear, you are slouching!" or "Minerva, darling, you need a haircut!" or "Minerva, sweetheart, you really should stop talking so much to students outside of class!". It is driving me mad!_

More mad than usual?

…

Wait.

…

I DIDN'T MEAN THAT!

_Too late, beardy boy. Found a new hiding place yet?_

Err… YES!

_Even Poppy won't save you this time!_

*Gulp*

TWO MINUTES LATER

Ouch…

_I did warn you._

…

…

So… when will your delightful mother be visiting Hogwarts again?


	87. Memo 87

MEMOS

_Honestly, I go away for one week, and what do I come back to?_

Pandemonium, ma'am?

_That's right. House points for you._

…

_Honestly, First years with shoes that are charmed to stick to the ceiling, the Weasley twins selling their vile "puking pastilles" , and poor Severus walking around in a mini dress that just won't disappear._

Actually, I'm not so sure about the last one…

_Yeah… well… a girl can dream…_

That disturbs me quite a lot.

_I meant that it would be hilariously funny, not at whatever utterly perverse level you are thinking at._

Right…

_I have a husband._

So you keep saying.

_We are deviating from the purpose, here._

Ah, yes, you were saying?

_What of Peeves singing through the corridors, or Filius being hit with the leg-locker?_

This is what you get for leaving for Italy DURING TERM TIME and torturing us with fantasies of the beautiful Italian landscape.

_And the beautiful Italian men._

You have a husband, remember?

…

Not so smug now, are you?

_I am never smug, I am too much of a lady._

Tell that to Umbridge.

_Fair point._

…

_But, let us be honest now, if you were offered a trip to a terribly romantic spot with the man of your dreams, would you turn him down?_

Noooo.

_You see my point?_

Yeeees.

_So the one in your dreams is a man then?_

…

…

_Fine, ignore me. _

…

…

_Next time I shall make it two weeks._

…

…

_Well, if you really must ignore me, I could leave for France right this minute._

NOOOOOO! DON'T GO! PLEEEEEEASE!

_Ha! I win._

Damned mind games…

**Dumbles, she has you wrapped around her little finger.**

Who is this?

_I could make a guess._

Go on.

_Fred Weasley, report to my office at once._

**But, how did you know?**

_I've been marking your *ahem* most interesting work for years._

**Cough, Professor?**

_Not at all._

**Dumbles, sir, you have got to start standing up to this chick. She's walking all over you.**

_But I also run the school._

Not technically.

_I beg your pardon, I run the school, but he gets his name on the letterheads. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a disturbed student population to see to._

**Ooooh, get her!**

I know!

**Is she like this all the time?**

Pretty much.

**Hormones.**

PMS.

**PM- what?**

Never mind.

* * *

_A/N: Forgive me, but I simply HAD to include the bit of gossiping with Dumbles and Fred... blame the plot bunnies... _


	88. Memo 88

**_A/N: I apologize in advance for the total randomness of this memo, but 'tis based on a conversation I actually had (no kidding)._**

* * *

MEMOS

*Bored face*

_*Tired face*_

Is this the beginning of a smiley war?

_You know, I think it just might be…_

*Wise face*

_*I'm going to beat you face*_

*Sad face*

_*Sweet face*_

*Smiley face*

_Ha! You fool! When am I ever sweet?_

*Winner face*

_What?_

I win; you stopped talking in smilies!

_So have you!_

But you stopped first!

_And?_

And you looooooose!

_Rictumpsempra._

Doesn't work through paper.

_Want to bet?_

Hold on a second, I just have to answer the knocking at my office door.

_Ok._

Wait a second…

…

You're suspiciously calm for someone who was going to hex me a second ago.

_So now the brain cells redevelop?_

Who said I had them in the first place?

_Touché._

Anyway…I…I'm not going to open the door…

_You were lucky._

…

_This time._

How do you know there will be a next time?

_Oh, there will be…_

5 Minutes later...

**Minerva?**

_Yes, Severus?_

**Do you know what PMS is?**

_Why?_

**It's just Albus said you had it and I wasn't quite sure what it was.**

_ALBUS DUMBLEDORE!_

You called?

_I TOLD YOU THERE WOULD BE ANOTHER TIME!_

*Gulp*

_..._

_..._

**I still don't get it.**

_..._

***Lonely face***


	89. Memo 89

_A/N: Apologies for the huuuuge hiatus. I've been trying to finish the Lego Harry Potter game - among many other things. Here's one for greenlover2._

* * *

MEMOS

_Albus, I am only going to ask you this one time._

I can't count the number of times you've said that to me.

_That's because you can only count up to ten. You ran out of fingers._

Actually, I devised a very clever (if I do say so myself) way of counting to twenty!

_Did you use your toes as well?_

That… would have been a lot easier.

_What did you do?_

Took the number of ghosts in the castle, counted one for every five ghosts then subtracted the number of talons Fawkes has.

_You're an idiot._

Well look here, who's being stressy now?

_I don't have time for your antics right now; remember the "little bit" of paperwork you "politely" asked me to do for you while you were at the Ministry?_

Ah… about that…

_It was a boatload!_

Alright, calm yourself.

_Yes, well I don't have time for your childishness right now!_

Might I remind you that you started this chain of memos?

_Did I?_

Would I lie to you?

…

Don't answer that.

…

You were going to ask me a question?

_Was I?_

There, question done. Goodbye.

_Hang on, if you are at the Ministry, how are these memos reaching you so quickly?_

Time travel.

_You idiot._

You've already used that one in this conversation.

_Really? You must be double the amount of stupid today._

However ridiculous (and ABSOLUTELY, FANTASTICALLY, AMAZINGLY BRILLIANT) I might be, what did you want to know.

…

Minerva?

…

Helloooooo?

…

_What were you doing hiding in my wardrobe?_

Looking for trouble-makers. Always looking for trouble-makers.


	90. Memo 90

MEMOS

_Albus, what have you done?_

This feels familiar.

_What happened to you?_

I don't want to talk about it…

_But you're - _

Don't say it… or write it… I can't bear to think about it!

_Can I allude to it in witty one-liners?_

Is there anything to stop you?

_Human decency?_

That's a no then.

_Hahaha. Don't take your anger out on me; it's not my fault you're erring on the citrus side of things._

That one was terrible.

_They will get better. I promise._

That's what I'm afraid of.

_Wise one you are._

Please arrange your words in the right order, it creeps me out when you don't.

_The sun really is shining brightly today, isn't it, Albus?_

Where are you going with this?

_But then again, you wouldn't know that._

Minerva?

_If you went outside in it you'd be run over by a stray bull._

Why would there be a stray bull in a school?

_Just go along with it._

Oh noooooo!

…

Was that better?

_No._

You make me feel so good about myself.

_You know how it's almost Halloween?_

Yeees.

_Hagrid was wondering whether we could serve you instead of his giant pumpkins this year._

Stop it.

_Or we could shred you and use you as the carrots for the Sunday roast._

Please.

_Or we could grate you and use you as a cheesy topping._

I CAN'T HELP THAT I GOT AN ORANGE TAN!


	91. Memo 91

MEMOS

Did you get the staff announcements this morning?

_Yes._

Have you actually read them?

_No._

You know, Minerva, it's friends like you that let me know what I'm doing is worth my time.

_Shucks._

Just read it.

_Why? What's so important that it can't be thrown onto my unfortunately dwindling fire?_

New staff list.

…

And if your fire is so "unfortunately dwindling" why don't you go out and chop down some wood?

_Maybe I will._

Yeah, I can just see you dressed as a lumberjack.

_Keep your perverted thoughts away from me please._

How do you know what I'm thinking?

_It's you._

Fair enough. Have you read it yet?

_Who is on the new staff list?_

Or should you be asking who isn't on the new staff list?

_Are you trying to tell me that you are firing me?_

No... I'm joking. Just read it!

_Uh… Hogwarts, we have a problem…_

You threw it on the fire already, didn't you?

_Maybe._

I don't know why I bother.

_Neither do I._

I have found a new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher.

_Oooh, who?_

Brace yourself.

_Check._

Put your wand down.

_Check._

Subdue your temper.

_JUST TELL ME WHO IT IS!_

Gilderoy Lockhart.

_WHAT?_

I know, isn't it wonderful?

_Are you mad?_

…

_Wait… bad question; we all know the answer._

I simply cannot wait. He is such an inspiration.

_He's a lying, loathsome, obnoxious fraud._

He looks marvellous for his age.

_He's an idiot._

He could help us with our unfortunate troll problem á la last Halloween.

_He's only good for shouting at. Yet that's one of my favourite things._

I love him.

_Me too._


	92. Memo 92

MEMOS

Minerva?

_Good morning, Albus._

Yes, yes. You're female, right?

_Is it necessary for you to check?_

Well it could be.

_Stay away from me._

You suggested it!

_It was sarcam._

Of course. Now, you're female?

_YES._

And I'm male.

_That could be debated._

Shut up.

_Oooh, get you!_

Right - to summarise - you are male and I am female.

_Wrong way around, Genius._

I was just testing you…

…

You're still sharp.

_Where are you going with this?_

Right… Where was I going with this?

_I am no mind-reader._

I'll get Sybil.

_NO!_

I'm joking.

_Don't you EVER do that again!_

Okay. Anyway, I am male and you are female.

_We are not having the "birds and the bees" talk again!_

No, no. What I mean is, if I am male and you are female, what on Merlin's mad earth is an email?

_Well… I don't know!_

I heard some students talking about it at the welcoming feast last night and I cannot, for the life of me, work out what it is.

_Well don't ask me. _

I've got it!

_Yes?_

Elephant Mail!

_What?_

It's mail carried by elephants.

_Are you sure you didn't just hear the tail end of a conversation - someone might just have said "female" and you missed the "f"._

No! This is so much better. Yes, Elephant Mail. I see that working.

_You idiot._

I'm getting an elephant.

… _You know what, go ahead. Just keep it away from my office._


	93. Memo 93

MEMOS

_It's looking at me again._

And gooood morning to you, too.

_It really is scaring me this time._

My dear, there really is nothing to be scared about.

_You try telling that to this thing!_

Fear is irrational, unless, of course, you are faced with a giant spider - in which case the correct course of action is to find a giant slipper and-

_Yes, yes, BACK TO MY PROBLEM PLEASE!_

Keep your wig on.

_You keep YOUR wig on!_

Who told you I wear a wig! That was a cruel rumour…

_But it's stiiiiill looking at me._

Merlin gave us eyes to see; it is merely making use of his eyes.

_But it's so… weird…_

But you're so… childish…

_Ha ha._

Why thank you, I have been working on my stand-up comedy routine.

_Tell me more._

Really?

_No. Of course not, you idiot; I have a problem to deal with._

Then you obviously don't need my help.

_But it's staring at me._

And Fawkes is spontaneously combusting up here, what do you want me to do?

_You know…_

No, I don't.

_Yes you do!_

I think you might have to write it, just to make sure that we are on the same wavelength.

_*Sigh* Fine. Please h-e-l-p me._

Sorry, what was that? I can't read that word in the middle.

_Please._

Please what?

_Help._

Who?

_Me._

All together now?

_Don't push your luck greybeard._

It is not grey! It's just a rustic shade of black.

_What?_

Improvisation was never my strong point.

_Neither was getting your backside down here when your help is needed!_

Fair point.

…

Is it still staring?

_Yes._

Are you still unnerved?

_Yes._

Are you still teaching?

_Um… I am now…_

Right.

…

Where is it now?

_At the back of the room._

Right. I will come and remove it now, how is that?

_Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!_

Okay. But if I'm going to move Fred Weasley from your sight for an hour, you will owe me big time.


	94. Memo 94

_A/N: Tabithatibi, I salute you (and it was a good idea… I think) :~) Sorry for the delay, I have just returned from holiday! More to come soon._

* * *

MEMOS

_Explain to me one thing._

Well… okay… when you've finished with the toilet, you must push the shiny lever thing to get rid of whatever is in it. It then travels through a complex system of-

_Not what I meant!_

Then why did you take so long to stop me?

_Because it was entertaining listening to you ramble._

Really?

_Of course not._

You people really don't appreciate me. One day, I will start an uprising and rule the world!

_Really? You and what army?_

Write that again.

_Why?_

In my head, it sounds brilliant in a thick Scottish accent.

_Fine. You and what army?_

The army of pigeons and owls that I've been training up along with my gang of hamster and gerbil fighters.

_I see Fawkes was reluctant to join._

Yes. He said I was being "unfortunately dim-witted".

_Smart bird. _

…

_Hang on, you talk to animals?_

No. They talk to me.

_I really must owl that therapist._

Do what you must; they will never get past my front-line-rodent-fighters!

_Pah._

Back to the point which you seem to have lost…

_Ah, yes… what was I saying again?_

You wanted me to explain something.

_Oh… um… ah!_

I am expecting great things from these noises.

_Shut up._

Technically, I am not spea-

_Shut UP!_

Okay. Sheesh.

_Good. Will you explain to me why on earth I found ridiculous caricatures of the staff members posted ALL AROUND THE SCHOOL?_

Was there one of me?

_No. That is what leads me to suspect you._

You are a very shrewd lady.

**Oh, Albus! Have you seen these drawings? The one of Minerva was hilarious with the-**

Shut up, HORACE!

**Wait… is she…**

Yep.

_Top of the morning to you, Slugbrain._

**You can't call me that! I was your teacher.**

_The key word there being WAS._

She has a point.

_Why are you here?_

**I felt like it.**

_Oh goody. I do love a good threeway - _

Ooh, get you! I take it Richard doesn't agree.

_Let me finish my sentence!_

You did.

_No I didn't! What I meant was that I like a good threeway - _

That's what you said before.

_I like a good threeway conversation. That's what I said._

Joke's on you, your wrote it!

…

…

Horace?

_Slugbrain?_

Where did he go?

_You expect me to know?_

…

_Alright, I have to go; there is a rather horrified looking first year at my door._

They are probably horrified about your face.

_Go away._

…

**Well I never! Bit kinky, isn't she?**

* * *

_A/N: I do apologize about those three._


	95. Memo 95

_A/N: I am ETERNALLY sorry for the late updates but I have had so much on my plate… metaphorically, of course…Better late than never, eh? Heh? No? NO… PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!_

* * *

MEMOS

EUREKA!

_Do I want to know?_

Well I don't know; I'm not a mind-reader! Perhaps you should ask Sybil…

…

I can just hear your nostrils flaring…

…

And the fire that you're breathing…

…

Yikes…

_You have got that right!_

Ah, you're back. If you are the least bit interested -

_Which I am not._

Oh… well… I just won't tell you then.

_No! No. I mean… don't be so hasty… you always tell me things I don't want to hear…_

You want to know, don't you?

_NO._

You do.

_I do not!_

**She totally does.**

_You stay out of this Severus!_

**Look, Minerva, I am a man. I will stick up for a fellow man.**

_I will not even tell you the euphemisms that are running through my head right now._

**Thank you so much.**

AHEM!

_Quick, hide! I heard Dolores._

**Typical Gryffindor. Run away from someone who has been in your school for five minutes!**

_First of all, that was a *joke*. And secondly, I take it you haven't had the chance to have a prolonged conversation with her?_

**And you have?**

_Well… it was more her talking to my leg…_

What would Richard say?

_No, I was making a joke about… on second thoughts, never mind…_

Oh, a joke was it?

_Yes._

Just don't laugh Minerva.

_Why not?_

Oooh, look, Dolores is at the door.

_DUMBLEDORE!_

Your turn to talk Severus!

**Um…**

_Why shouldn't I laugh?_

**Because…**

_Out with it!_

**Well…**

_I'll set the hinkypunks on you!_

**Because your laugh sounds like a whale let loose with a foghorn - PLEASE DON'T KILL ME.**

_It. Sounds. Like. WHAT?_

**By the number of exclamation marks you just used, I take it that you're angry…**

_ANGRY is not the word for it!_

**I'll be off now! Albus is still reading the conversation, by the way.**

_Oh, I know!_

…

_I am coming for you, Dumbledore!_

That's what she said.

_ALBUS PERCIVAL WULFRIC BRIAN DUMBLEDORE!_

Yeeeees?

_You are going to wish that Umbridge - the vile, slimy, wretched toad that she is - was at your door when I get my hands on you!_

_**Good afternoon, Minerva.**_

_Dolores?_

_**Yes. I was just telling the headmaster how concerned I was for you.**_

_I beg your pardon?_

_**Well, I was just saying how you cannot seem to control your temper around staff.**_

She was. I told her you would prove her wrong.

_But I have proved you wrong, Dolores; you see I only lose my temper around you. I am sure the other staff would vouch for me on that._

Except Severus.

_So, you tell me who the disruptive influence is._

_**I - I - well… I have never been so insulted in my life! How dare you insinuate that I -**_

_Oh no, I'm afraid you've become a little muddled with age, dear. I was insinuating nothing. I was telling you._

_**Well I never - I …**_

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND she's out. She has left now and the world is safe once more!

_I have to hand it to her though, she's a lot braver on paper._

* * *

_A/N: Well, look at that, Severus took a leaf out of my book!_


	96. Memo 96

MEMOS

_You know, you never told me what your EUREKA! moment was all about yesterday._

Didn't I?

_Nope._

**He told me.**

_I'm so jealous._

**I know.**

Really, Minerva, sarcasm may work in practice, but on paper it has its flaws.

_Funny._

There you go again. You don't learn from your mistakes, do you?

_Grr._

**Anyway - if you two have quite finished bickering - his EUREKA! Moment was-**

NOOOOOOO! Stop right there and put your hands in the air!

…

I take it by that silence that you have put your hands in the air?

_He actually has._

I know.

_Then why did you ask?_

Because… I… I don't know.

_Look, we are all sitting in the staff room, three feet away from each other and - SEVERUS PUT YOUR HANDS DOWN. EVERYBODY IS LOOKING AT YOU AS THOUGH YOU NEED HELP._

**Sorry.**

Don't be sorry! Put them UP!

_Put them down._

UP.

_DOWN._

UP.

_Why?_

UP! Oh… sorry, I thought we were carrying this on.

_Why do you want him to put his hands in the air?_

Because HE JUST DON'T CARE!

_What? That doesn't even make sense._

I know, but I heard some of the kids saying it and I thought I could be the "cool" headmaster.

_But there aren't any children here._

I beg to differ.

_Albus, that's awful! Filius may be vertically challenged, but that's no reason - _

No, not Filius. The two that are hiding out in the wardrobe.

_Wotter?_

**I'm sorry, now I have to ask… WOTTER?**

_Weasley and Potter._

**I see…**

_Do you?_

**Not really.**

Well, here, borrow my glasses.

…

_Bad joke… let us never repeat this._

**Agreed.**

Reluctantly agreed.

_Well, I'll just go and get them out._

No, just let them stay.

_But you-_

I am your boss.

_Fine._

I did exactly the same thing when I was their age.

_What happened?_

Oh let's just say that I sorely regretted it.

**BACK TO THE POINT OF THIS CONVERSATION!**

Ah, yes, I needed Severus to put his hands up because I need to be the one to tell you about my 'EUREKA!' moment.

_Severus doesn't need to put his hands above his head for that._

Oh… I guess you have a point…

…

It was funny though.

_Damn! There's the bell. Slytherin and Gryffindor second years… great._

**Can I get Wotter out of the cupboard please?**

You don't get to say Wotter.

**Yes sir!**

* * *

_A/N: High-fives to anyone who actually put their hands in the air while reading this._


	97. Memo 97

_A/N: Ready to hear about the EUREKA! moment yet? I thought so. This is for slytherinslut13 and their Maths class (who are awesome)._

* * *

MEMOS

_Alright, Dumbledore, this is driving me crazy._

What is?

_You are._

Well… I am flattered, but I just am not ready for that kind of relationship at the moment. Besides, you are a married woman as you KEEP reminding me.

_Oh, don't be such a buffoon._

That's a new one.

_You know I didn't mean it in that way._

Do I?

_Now, what was your EUREKA! moment?_

Um…

_Yes?_

Now, that's not encouraging; it's just off-putting.

_Sorry._

It was… erm…

_Out with it (written as patiently as possible)._

I might have… forgotten it…

**WHAT?**

_You took the words right out of my mouth, Severus._

…

_But why are you butting in here?_

**I have just as much right as you do to be in this conversation!**

Alright, don't get your wand in a knot.

**Fine. I'm still staying a part of this, though.**

_Well if our esteemed headmaster here doesn't remember sharpish, you might get to see what murder looks like in writing._

**Do continue.**

I was just joking. But since you threatened me with death my memory seems to have become somewhat cloudier.

_Don't play around with me, Dumbledore._

Fine. I am officially *A GENIUS* because I finally discovered the secret to your youthful look.

**What?**

_What?_

…

_Hang on, Severus, you had better not mean that in the way I think you do!_

**No… I just mean that… he MUST be a genius to have worked that out. Do tell, Albus. QUICKLY!**

I might just watch you squirm instead.

_That sounds fun._

But I'm too nice.

_Well how about being nice to me for a change?_

I try. I really do.

**GET ON WITH THE STORY BEFORE SHE KILLS ME!**

Okay. Keep your greasy wig on.

…

Minerva, you are seventy years old.

_Thanks for broadcasting that._

**We all knew.**

_Nobody was talking to you._

And you look about fifty.

_FIFTY?_

Okay. Forty nine at a push.

_How dare you?_

**Well you aren't exactly a spring chicken are you?**

_I'll have you know I am still a very attractive woman._

**Yeah…**

No comment.

_**Agreed.**_

_Aw, Pomona! You too?_

_**I couldn't resist.**_

_Well I don't hear Richard complaining._

You're not exactly the most easy person to talk to, though, are you?

_That's your opinion._

_**At least they think you look twenty years younger. Most think I look twenty years OLDER!**_

Anyway, your secret is all that EYEBROW RAISING YOU DO!

_No it isn't._

Just hear me out! It elasticitates the skin or some fancy word like that (yes I did just make that up, Severus, before you insult me) and makes you appear younger.

**Poppycock. That doesn't work for me.**

_**Oooh, does little Severus want some skin potions for Christmas?**_

**If I wanted some don't you think I would make some myself.**

_That's really not my secret._

Aww. I thought I was on to something there.

_My secret is frogs._

_**What?**_

_I eat frogs._

**Why?**

_When I was young(er) I was dating a French guy and he introduced me to the French cuisine of frog legs and I liked them._

**You would.**

_So I eat them every day. That's it._

Now, where did Hagrid put those frogs.

**I'm leaving in disgust.**

I'm leaving to find some frogs. Maybe they can change my hair colour back to its lustrous auburn goodness.

_But you can do that with… never mind._

…

…

_**Do you think they bought it?**_

_Totally._

…

_Imbeciles._

_

* * *

_

_A/N: Did anybody else know that a Dumbledore is a type of bee? No? Well… I shall just go and be a dork in the corner on my own…_

_Anyway, we are nearing the one hundredth memo. So in order to provide a fitting "anniversary" spectacular I will be willing to accept any suggestions anyone might have._


	98. Memo 98

_A/N: For LilyxJames4ever_

_

* * *

_

MEMOS

Good evening, Minerva, my fuzzy duck.

_Good evening Mr. Long Beard._

Hang on… did you just call me MR. LONG BEARD?

…

And you ignored me calling you fuzzy duck.

_That's because I am a fuzzy duck, silly._

I. Am. Disturbed.

_Awww, has mister big nose gotten all…all… silly?_

What is wrong with you?

_There's nothing wrong with me. Well, I might be a little…_

Honestly, there is nothing little about you.

_I'm not that tall, am I?_

Put it this way, when you stand next to Filius, he might as well be climbing a beanstalk.

_Don't be so rude, Alby!_

Alby?

_Alby._

_..._

_I love you Alby... you're alright._

Where have you been tonight?

_**Oh, only to the Hog's Head (Merlin knows why… something about talking to Abeforth, I think) and the Three Broomsticks… oh and my office.**_

Pomona, how much has she had to drink?

_**Plenty enough to give a hippogriff concussion.**_

What does that even mean?

_**I… am not quite sure.**_

How much have YOU had to drink.

_**Not much at all; I'm a light weight compared to her.**_

Well, she is Scottish.

_I can still hear you!_

We know.

_Awwww. You're so thoughtful._

Pomona, this is comedy GOLD.

_**Albus, she is my best friend.**_

But it's the opportunity of a LIFETIME!

_**I repeat: She is my best friend.**_

And I am your boss.

_**Point taken. What do you want me to do?**_

Oh, you'll see.

***THE NEXT MORNING***

_Urrgh, my head is about to explode._

That'll teach you to stay out of the drinks cabinet.

_Don't be all smug with me._

I am not smug.

…

Are you ready for the hangover talk?

_Must I endure this?_

Yes.

_Fine. I will accept the consequences._

Very responsible of you.

…

Now, I am not angry, Minerva; I am disappointed.

_Urrgh._

I find it incredible to believe that a high class woman like yourself, a Deputy Headteacher to boot, could turn up to work… for lack of better words… absolutely shipwrecked, is far beyond my realms of perception.

_There's a first._

Now, now, there is no need to take it out on me.

_And there is no need to post drunken pictures of me with lipstick prints all over them all around the school._

Ah… you saw them.

_I am a morning person._

You could have fooled me.

_Albus Dumbledore, if you EVER try to pull something like this again -_

It was Pomona's idea.

_Don't go there! I have written proof that this ludicrous plan was conceived from your twisted mind like the spawn of Satan._

There really is no need to go that far.

_There is. Far enough to get to the astronomy tower with the last of the copies of the Christmas party (1981) photographs in which you are… ahem… slightly compromised._

You wouldn't!

_I have._

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


	99. Memo 99

_A/N: This chapter shall henceforth be known as the Character Chapter; there are so many I'm not even sure who they are anymore! (I am updating this chapter for the third time to combat the formatting issues surrounding Richard's lines. So, his have asterisks **** before and after them as underlining doesn't seem to work :D)_

* * *

MEMOS

Rock and Rooooooooll.

_Totally._

I feel so pumped!

_Groovy! Wait… what?_

Pumped.

_That doesn't quite answer my question._

Pumped.

_Yes, I got that._

I'm pumped.

_But what is pumped?_

Erm… I don't actually know… I overheard some of the Gryffindor Quiddutch team saying it so I thought you might know what it meant.

_Nope. Anyway, what happened to the rock and roooooll?_

Urgh… I'm bored of being a rocker.

_I was kind of enjoying the sixties flashbacks._

_**I do not want to picture you two in the sixties.**_

REMUS!

_FINALLY! Someone I can have an adult conversation with!_

_**When you say adult…**_

_No I do not intend any sexual intonations! I expected better of you, Mr. Lupin._

Yes. Tut, tut. So ashamed of you etc. etc.

_**Calm down! **_

Wait, wait, wait! Minerva, dearest, sweetest deputy?

_Now I'm suspicious._

_**You're not the only one.**_

Join me, will you, in The Killer?

_**You wouldn't!**_

_Well, since you ask so nicely…_

_**NOOOOOOOOO! Anything but THAT!**_

_Now, Remus, sweetheart…_

_**NO!**_

We know you didn't mean to bring vulgar innuendos into this perfectly innocent conversation…

_**Please, Merlin. NO!**_

_But the fact is that you did…_

_**Don't do this to me Dumbles!**_

We want you to know that we aren't mad at you…

_**Minnie?**_

_But we are very disappointed…_

_**Nooooooooo!**_

VERY DISAPPOINTED.

_**I hate you guys! Why do teachers do that?**_

_Years of getting it from our own parents._

Doesn't that kill? Doesn't it burn inside? Don't you hate disappointing people?

_**Methinks thou doth enjoy this too much.**_

_Not sure that's a direct quote from Shakespeare…_

I do enjoy this, actually.

**I agree completely.**

_**Buzz off, Severus.**_

**What's the matter, Wolfie?**

_**Seriously? Wolfie?**_

**Tetchy today, aren't we?**

_Don't make me start on you, Severus!_

**What did I do?**

_After the dead mouse in my soup last month?_

**How do you remember this?**

_I keep a list now._

She does, I've seen it.

**Because that's not creepy or anything…**

…

**Hang on. Something isn't right here.**

_**There's something missing.**_

No witty retort or scathing reply.

**Where did Minerva go?**

Probably off in a strop somewhere.

She will KILL you for saying that.

_**Fillius?**_

Yes indeedy!

**Have you seen the mightily-tempered one in the past few moments?**

Thankfully not. I pity the man who steps into the path of her temper tantrums.

_***Trust me, I've been in enough of those to last me a lifetime… and beyond.***_

_**Sorry, who is this?**_

Gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to Mr. Richard McGonagall. Also known as the poor sod who married our Transfiguration Professor.

_***Yes, alright, Albus. This is my wife you are talking about.***_

You started it.

_***Did not!***_

Did too.

_***Are we seriously doing this?***_

Wow, I'm getting previous memo flashbacks.

_Seriously, you need a feminine touch in this conversation._

**POMONA! Brilliant…**

_As much as I treasure your sarcasm, Severus, I do find it most aggravating when it is directed towards me._

**Then I suggest you get used to it.**

_**Now, now Greasy. Calm down.**_

**Greasy?**

_**You called me Wolfie!**_

**Yes, but - **

_***Boys. This is not the way proper gentlemen behave is it?***_

_**No…**_

_***Severus?***_

**I suppose not…**

You have the most unnatural likeness to your wife.

I see what you mean, Albus… WAIT!

_What?_

I hear the stamps of an elephant.

_***Can't be Minerva; she's as graceful as a ballerina.***_

And I see the flames from the nostrils of a dragon.

_***That can't be Minerva; she hasn't quite mastered fire-breathing yet.***_

And I smell the fear of several first years along with - if I'm not mistaken - a bottle of Firewhiskey.

_***That's Minerva.***_

EVERYBODY RUN FOR YOUR LIIIIIIIIVES!

….

…

_***Albus, are you still there?***_

Can't talk now, Richard, I'm finding a safe hiding place.

_***Why?***_

Because Minerva doesn't have the Firewhiskey to drink.

_***What are you talking about?***_

She's going to set my office on fire.

_For once, Mr. Dumbledore, you are correct._

* * *

_A/N: Just for clarification's sake : Minerva, _Albus, **Severus, **_**Remus, ***__**Richard*, **__Pomona, _Filius.


	100. Memo 100

A/N: Wow! One hundred memos… and you are still reading them? Are you mad?

* * *

MEMOS

_Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!_

Yes, alright.

_Mawh ha ha ha ha!_

You can stop laughing now.

_Ha ha ha! I can't!_

It really isn't that funny.

_But it is!_

Minerva, it is a valid fashion statement!

_Where do you get your fashion information?_

That is beside the point.

_No it is not!_

It is!

_No it really is not! I just want to know what silly fool told you that getting an ear pierced was a good idea. You didn't listen to the Weasley twins, did you?_

No… but I will never make that mistake again. If you really must know, I overheard some fourth year girls giggling over a magazine.

_Ah… I see._

They said they think earrings are "so cool". I happen to agree.

_Albus, what magazine was this?_

Teenage Witch.

_Albus, they were talking about earrings for women!_

How do you know that?

_I confiscated that same publication from a fourth year Hufflepuff this morning._

And you just happened to absorb its contents by shutting it in your drawer.

_I like to keep up with the kids._

Of course.

_Since when did this conversation turn on me? I think you'll find we WERE discussing your new body piercing._

The operative word there being "WERE".

_Oooh, look who swallowed a dictionary this morning._

Unfortunately, I could not fit a whole dictionary into my mouth. Unlike you.

_Watch it, Earring!_

Is that my new nickname?

_Indeedy._

…

_So, what side is it on?_

The right.

_Is that - _

NO THAT IS NOT AN INDICATION OF HOMOSEXUALITY!

_Only asking._

…

_You have to admit, it would make sense._

MINERVA!

* * *

A/N: Well, it makes a change for Albus to be getting angry!


	101. Memo 101

MEMOS

Bonjour Madame!

_Bonjour Monsieur. To what do I owe this pleasantly continental greeting?_

I hardly need remind you that the Triwizard Tournament is imminent.

_Oh, trust me, I've heard enough of that from Pomona._

Well, at least SOMEONE is excited for it.

_Excuse me for keeping a level head. Let me start again. OH, ALBUS HOW VERY, VERY HAPPY I AM THAT YOU HAVE DECIDED TO BRING THIS WONDROUS EVENT DOWN UPON US! How WILL I cope with the excitement?_

Yes, well… that as may be, I did not write to you to talk of the Tournament.

_Oh…_

…

_I realise I've unleashed some hidden bitterness, there…_

I'm used to it. I have the broken china to prove it… well, I don't… I fixed it… but the point remains!

_Just tell me what you want._

Well, I am in a bit of a sticky situation here.

_Sticky in what way?_

It's not what you're thinking at all!

_Does it involve some sort of obscure Muggle invention that I am certain to know nothing about?_

It might be what you were thinking.

_Go on._

Well, I was talking to a friend who recently went on a Muggle holiday and his daughter told me about a game she discovered while away.

_I don't like the sound of this._

It's called 'Fly on the Wall'.

_I REALLY don't like the sound of this._

It involves this Muggle thing called Duct tape - it's like Spellotape but much, much stronger.

_Oh, sweet Merlin._

Anyway, you use this duct tape to…erm…

_Out with it!_

To…

_Don't make me come up there!_

You use it to stick someone to the wall.

_What?_

You stick them to the wall and then see how long they stay there.

_You idiot. Who helped you do this?_

Severus.

_Can't you use a cutting charm, or something?_

That's just my problem; Severus is a clever (and cruel) little blighter -

_I've never heard it called that before…_

- And he had the evil thought to place my wand just outside my range of grasp.

_I'm leaving you there._

Don't make me beg, please!

_I want to see this._

I refuse!

_I'm waiting._

Never! I am a Gryffindor, for crying out loud.

_Sorry, old man, you wasted your chance. Have a nice life, leading the school from the wall._

Just because you want to take over!

_Hmmm… I hadn't thought about that. Thanks for the idea, Beardy._

ARRRRRRRGH!

**I resent you calling me a blighter.**

You resent everything.

**Do you not want to be rescued?**

Not by you, you torturous little bat!

_Hang on, how are you writing these?_

I'm dictating to Winky, the house elf.

_Why don't you get Winky to help you down?_

I can't - Oh… Winky, old girl, what do you say? No, you don't have to write that! No, don't punish yourself! Winky!

**He's screwed.**

* * *

_A/N: Gosh, hasn't it been a while? I do apologize... again... Anywho, bold was Severus, normal was Albus, and italic Minerva. Thanks for reading._


	102. Memo 102

MEMOS

_You are a truly delightful human being._

Why, thank you.

_No, I mean it._

Where's the catch?

_It's the truth._

I thought you were being sarcastic.

_Me? Never!_

There it is again. I can't tell when you're being sarcastic on paper.

_I'm NOT being sarcastic._

I don't believe you.

_Oh, ye of little faith._

Now, you see, to me that sounds like you're setting a trap.

_Whatever do you mean, Albus?_

Well, you were expecting me to go: "No. I believe you. Continue." And then you would say something like "Bwah ha ha ha ha! You should never trust me, Laddie, so you shouldn't."

_I'm actually offended that you think I talk like that._

And I'm offended that you would try to hoodwink me so.

_Nobody is trying to hoodwink anybody!_

I'm still skeptical.

_You, Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, are an unutterably wonderful human being._

I KNEW IT! You used the middle names so you ARE angry!

_Clever one, you are._

What did I do?

"_What did I do?" WHAT DID I DO? I'll tell you what you did, Dumbledore! I woke this morning to find my room the most repulsive shade of pink ever known to man._

Really? Well, there's something you don't see every day.

_Oh, that's not all there was!_

Really?

_On my beside table was a small note - on sickly pink parchment I might add - saying, and I quote "I do hope you like the adjustments I made to your room. I hope you don't mind that I did them while you were asleep. Hoping we can spend more time there TOGETHER, kisses, Dolores."_

Really?

"_P.S. You do look angelic when you sleep."_

Well, Minerva, I do think you've found your culprit.

_You were stupid enough to write the note in YOUR handwriting, Headmaster!_

Erm… she was… trying to frame me?


	103. Memo 103

_A/N: Oh my goody gumdrops! A whole SIX HUNDRED reviews! You guys are my angels. I would like to thank you all and especially those of you who have stuck with memos and read and reviewed every chapter. For your constant vigilance, I thank you (see what I did there? The little Mad-Eye tribute?) Anyways, here is the 103rd__ memo of the story. Enjoy._

* * *

MEMOS

_Albus Dumbledore!_

What do you want this time, Minerva?

_I will ignore that rather rude address. Anyway, it's not as much __**what **__I want as __**who **__I want._

Oh, really?

_Who I want DEAD, that is._

Oh… well that's really put a dampener on my day.

_I try._

You are evil.

_Again, I try._

Just write a list of your demands so that we can go on arguing in peace.

_First of all, I demand that you start making sense. It's a contradiction to be "arguing in peace"._

Demand denied.

_Secondly, I demand that those four miscreants are flogged to death for crimes against their majestic goddess of a Transfiguration professor._

Don't be ridiculous, Minerva; you are not majestic!

_Now, who's evil?_

Besides, isn't murdering children a little extreme, even for you?

_Wait until you hear what they have done._

I am on the edge of my seat.

_Excuse me, I think you will find that I am the sarcastic one in this relationship!_

I was telling the truth. I literally am sitting on the edge of my seat… just in case those little scallywags have charmed my chair.

_Wouldn't it be charmed whether you sat on the edge or in the middle of it?_

There has been a recent spate of invisible whoopee cushion attacks and I will not be taking any chances!

_Believe me, I know about that one._

They got you?

_What do you think I am, stupid?_

Don't make me answer that.

_Put your claws away for one minute, will you?_

…

_Besides, I walked in on Filius's lesson this morning and as soon as he climbed up to his seat… well… you can guess what happened…_

No I can't.

_*Sigh*_

I do not care for your pessimistic attitude.

_You smell._

That's a bit childish.

_And so are you._

Low blow, Minerva. Low blow.

_Those four school terrorists walked into my class, flung a set of lacy underwear at me and Sirius Black even had the cheek to tell me that you wanted him to give them back to me! They wouldn't stop pestering me for the entire lesson, asking whether we'd been married long, whether we've ever done __**it **__in the school and telling me that I was in denial for saying 'no' to everything they asked. _

…

_It was RIDICULOUS! AND HUMILIATING!_

…

_What's got your wand in a knot today, anyway?_

I was afraid you hadn't got your underwear back.

_ALBUS!_


	104. Memo 104

MEMOS

_I OFFICIALLY hate Weasleys… well, the twin versions, anyway._

What delights have they had in store for you today?

_Delights? Are you mad?_

Yes. Happily so, in fact.

_You are far too happy._

Now, now, Minerva. Just because you are not in the best of spirits, that does not mean that you have to bring everybody else down into your pit of self-inflicted anguish.

_Self-inflicted? I'll have you know this is a Weasley-inflicted trauma, thank you very much!_

I disagree; you could just as easily let it go as let it stew and bubble over into a vat of anger.

_Now we both know that is not true. Besides, how would you like it if they placed a lunch box on your desk in the morning - _

I think I would find that quite pleasant, actually. Lovely boys when they put their minds to it, aren't they?

_I didn't tell you what they put in it yet._

A succulent bacon sandwich?

_A carton of milk - _

Well that's not too bad…

_A tin of cold tuna._

You could make a nice salad with that…

_And a dying mouse._

Oh dear.

_Not even a __**dead**__ mouse! A __**dying **__mouse._

There is no need to highlight your words, I do possess sufficient reading skill and can tell the inflection of your tone from the density of your quill markings.

_Why so flowery on the vocabulary front today, Albus?_

I just had a meeting with the dear old Minister and hence I feel rather superior in the intelligence department on this fine afternoon.

_Albus?_

Yes, my dear?

_Shut up, you fool!_


	105. Memo 105

MEMOS

_You callous fop!_

Arrogant ruffian!

_Brain-dead simpleton!_

Pathetic nit!

_Swag-bellied weasel!_

Pus-faced measle!

_Rank fustilarian!_

Blood-sucking besom!

_Boot-licking scoundrel!_

Fobbing flirt-gill!

_Festering sap!_

Errant pox-marked scut!

_Hook-nosed swine!_

Bawdy rump-fed nuisance!

_Garish dizzy-eyed freak!_

Artless elf-skinned lout!

_Your face could turn Medusa to stone!_

Your birth certificate is an apology from the contraception company!

_Your stupidity is blinding. Please turn it off._

Every day with you is like an extra day of Hallowe'en.

_I would ask how old you are, but I know you cannot count that high._

Next time you give birth, can I have one of the puppies?

_Only if you don't EAT IT!_

You know, every time you go for a swim in the lake, the Giant Squid jumps out!

_Big fat liar!_

You think I'm fat?

* * *

_A/N: House points to the most creative idea for what they were insulting each other over! Plus, I might just make it a chapter in your honour… and no, this is not me fishing for ideas._


	106. Memo 106

_A/N: I thank you for all of your most entertaining ideas and have finally settled on one submitted by AnimationNut this time. But as I am so generous (don't disagree!), I will give you all ten House Points each and because your ideas were so excellent, you may be seeing some more of them later on, so keep an eye out!. :)_

* * *

MEMOS

You will never believe what I have just seen.

_Try me._

I'm not sure your husband would be too happy about that, Minerva.

_Not what I meant._

…

_Are you going to tell me, then? Or do you prefer to leave me on the line of only-just-bearable suspense._

You care that much about what I have to say?

_Not at all. I just know that if you don't tell me now it will take days for you to get round to it. In the mean time you will keep dropping hints and leaving me idiotic little riddles and –_

Woah! Slow your roll.

_Slow my what?_

I'm not entirely sure. I heard some of the Firsties saying it on the Quidditch field so I assumed it must be something 'cool', as they call it.

_They're First-years, Albus. Who is ever 'cool' as a First-year?_

I will have you know that I have been 'cool' my entire life! There has not been one day in my entire existence where I have not been 'cool'.

_Except today, obviously._

Well, today is an off day for me. What I saw earlier has been enough to give me heart failure.

_WHAT DID YOU SEE?_

There is no need to get quite so shirty with me, Minerva. I am only the storyteller.

_I do not think you can be classified as a storyteller until you TELL THE BLOODY STORY!_

Fine. Well, I woke up this morning to find all of those lemon drops that Filius gave me for Christmas were gone.

_Oh, what a shame. However will we live? How can I go on knowing that you will never again be hyperactive at the hands of those sour little pastilles?_

I know, it's a travesty! But that was not all!

_Do tell me more._

I asked for a nice little cup of cocoa to be brought up by an Elf.

_The Elf didn't eat you, did it?_

Don't be ridiculous!

_I apologize. I was unaware that we were being serious._

Don't say **that** word!

_Which word?_

The one beginning with 'seri' and ending in 'ous'!

_You mean 'serious'?_

Yes! Now stop it! The word is a calling to Sirius Black; if you say it, he will turn up and make the terrible "No, I'm Sirius!" joke.

_Oh, Merlin! Not again!_

I am afraid Azkaban sent him somewhat loopy.

_So how long were you there for, then?_

Ahem. I shall ignore that rather distasteful jibe.

_I apologize. Again. Tell me, what happened with the House Elf?_

Well, as usual, Dobby came up to greet me with a lovely, steaming cup of hot cocoa and I remarked on his lovely footwear.

_Oh, I see._

Do you? Dobby and I share a particular affinity, you see, as we are both rather known for our dazzling taste in footwear. Socks, in particular.

_Really?_

Yes. Well, I looked down at his feet and saw a lovely pair of woollen purple socks with golden orange phoenixes floating around them. How lovely, I thought.

_Yes, they do sound rather spiffing._

Then I realised it.

_What?_

I am getting there.

…

I realised that they were the same socks given to me by my brother Aberforth for my birthday a few years ago.

_What a coincidence!_

Yes, that is what I thought, also. But – most peculiarly – when I went to check my sock cabinet that evening –

_You have a whole cabinet for socks?_

You know I do. Anyway, I found the entire cabinet bare, barring a horrible grey pair that I have never worn due to their overwhelming dullness.

_I call that sock discrimination._

And I call you a terrible liar.

_What?_

When I asked Dobby who was responsible, he told me the culprit's name immediately, thinking that he had been given the entire collection of socks as a present from me, personally.

_They weren't?_

You would be able to figure that out if you were paying attention. But, in answer to your frankly stupid question, no; they were not a gift from me.

_So who did it?_

You know exactly who did it, Minerva McGonagall! House Elves are rather compliant when it comes to revealing things they were not told to keep secret.

_Damn!_

Why did you do it?

_Erm… it was the Marauders?_

Nice try, they left years ago.

_I was… under the Imperius?_

Untrue.

…

You see, that is not all Dobby told me.

_No?_

He also told me that he saw a certain black-haired witch feeding little yellow sweets to the Giant Squid.

_That could have been anybody!_

She was wearing tartan.

_Dobby is delusional!_

So he did not see a tartan-clad, raven-haired woman sitting on the banks of the lake, throwing lemon drops into the mouth of the Giant Squid as if it were a little puppy?

_No._

You liar!

_No you are the liar!_

You belong in Slytherin!

* * *

_A/N: And there the story starts. As a side-note, is anyone else starting to get apprehensive about Pottermore yet? I just think JKR might do the whole Someone-broke-my-heart-so-now-I'll-become-a-spinster-and-dedicate-my-life-to-Hogwarts thing to Minerva, which I think totally defies her badass-ness and her stubbornness. Anyway, rant over, the graphics do look pretty amazing so I'm looking forward to that. :) Thanks again for your awesome ideas and keep your eyes peeled for any more of your wonderful suggestions!_


	107. Memo 107

_A/N: Okay, this one just would not leave me alone for some reason._

* * *

MEMOS

_Albus, have you been advising Gilderoy Lockhart on his choice of clothing?_

Why do you ask?

_He turned up to breakfast this morning wearing a retina-burningly bright orange monstrosity._

Oh, yes. I wore that one last Christmas but decided that the colour was not really for me. I invited Gilderoy over to my rooms. We sat in my rooms all evening and talked about fashion, while drinking butterbeer.

_Please tell me you didn't put the moves on Lockhart?_

I was joking.

_So… was… I…_

I believe you. Thousands wouldn't.

…

Why would you think that they were mine?

_Well given the fact that they were almost as orange as his terrible new fake tan and your reputation for dazzling robes…_

I never have done orange; it clashes with my hair.

_Before it turned grey, you mean._

This conversation is over.

_But you are grey! Grow old gracefully, Dumbles!_

…

_Dumbles?_

…

_Oldie…_


	108. Memo 108

_A/N: Since the last one was so short, I decided to put this one up too. This was an idea courtesy of LilyxJames4ever, who has courteously reviewed pretty much every chapter of this crazy, rambling series (Along with a few others who are either incredibly strong of mind or just as crazy as I am)._

* * *

MEMOS

_Albus, have you seen Aggie?_

I have decided to take your owl hostage until you confess.

_Confess to what?_

You know what!

_I can assure you that I do not!_

Why are you so spiteful?

_Merlin! What did I do __**this**__ time?_

You knew that I wanted the last Danish at breakfast and you still had to eat it!

_I had toast for breakfast._

Of course you did!

_I don't eat pastries in the morning._

That's what they all say!

_Who is the 'all' that you are referring to?_

I have interviewed the majority of the rest of the staff and they all say that they didn't take it!

_So that automatically makes it me?_

After the lemon drop/sock fiasco (or Sock-Drop Gate, as I call it) I have decided that you are most likely responsible for any food-related crime committed at Hogwarts!

_Eating a Danish hardly qualifies as a crime, Albus._

So you **did** eat it?

_NO!_

**Will you two stop your infernal bickering this moment? I can hear the quills grazing the wood from the other side of the castle.**

Severus, will you back me up here?

**Of course. Minerva, your witty comment/ silly questions/ tartan addiction/ juvenile pranks/ biscuit-giving has caused serious damage to a person/ object/ country and we would appreciate it if you would stop it now.**

_Tartan addiction? How dare you? I will have you know that my family tartan has been tradition for –_

Seven hundred and twenty-three years, we know. That, however, is not the problem we are dealing with.

**What on earth is it then? And do hurry, Headmaster; I have Longbottom's class next lesson and if I look away for even a second, we will have a full-blown explosion on our hands.**

_Again._

**Are you insinuating that I cannot control a class?**

_I am merely saying that, if you stopped intimidating your students to the point where they could not properly stir a Swelling Solution, things might improve._

**This, coming from the woman who could make a sixth-year cower with a glare.**

_I will have you know that that glare works on staff and-_

**- Has been in the family for seven hundred and twenty-three years. Whatever.**

_Severus Tobias Snape!_

MINERVA ATE THE LAST DANISH AT BREAKFAST!

_Albus – I keep telling you – I did not!_

THEN WHO ELSE COULD IT POSSIBLY BE?

**My bad.**

WHAT?

* * *

_A/N: Severus is in for a bumpy ride, methinks._


	109. Memo 109

MEMOS

Minerva McGonagall! Have I got a treat for you?

_I hope not. Your treats usually entail sock shopping or a large amount of animal-related peril._

This contains none of those things.

…

Yet.

_Sigh. Again._

Your vocal chords must be hurting from all of that emphatic sighing.

_And it's all your fault._

All of it?

_All of it._

Not even a tiny bit of Horace?

_Not even a tiny bit._

Damn.

_Tell me about the treat, already!_

Patience, my dear.

_NO! I will not be patient. You told me that you have a non-boring, non-dangerous treat for me; you cannot withhold further information from me! It's like keeping a teddy from a child!_

Or from you.

_I do not sleep with a teddy bear!_

Not every night.

_Hush. I think Horace is around and he will read this wrong and try to use it as blackmail material._

But you still have the goods on him, don't you?

_The goods?_

You know, the information about his *Ahem* pineapple shorts incident.

_What? OH! Oh, sweet Merlin, I will NEVER forget that… unfortunately._

Good. We can bleed him for a few Galleons.

_Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore! That is most unethical! You would make me go through that torture for just a few Galleons? Do you not care about my mental welfare?_

So… the amount bothers you, but you don't find the actual blackmail unethical?

_Not at all._

Remind me why I hired you again.

_I do not need to. You can feel my superiority shining through this memo._

Alright, before this conversation gets any odder, I will revert the topic back to your treat!

_Ooh, what is it?_

Well, since you are my new Deputy, I have arranged for you to learn a spell that has been top secret in Hogwarts history since the time of the founders.

_A spell? Is that all?_

Well, I would have thought that the simple title of Deputy Headmistress of Europe's most prestigious school for budding witches and wizards would have been enough for you.

_You still do not know me yet._

I arranged for this greatly coveted spell to be taught to you out of the goodness of my heart, and you treat it as if I have just given you a boatload of work to do! You were always looking for a challenge as a student, but the moment you come back as a teacher, you become a possession-obsessed maniac.

_It's compulsory to learn this spell, isn't it?_

Yes.

_What a treat._

Yes, indeed.

***THREE HOURS LATER***

_Piertotum locomotor!_

Stop saying it! Do you know what kind of trouble that can cause?

_It will bring to life all the statues!_

Yes. And do you know how long it will take to get them all back to where they should be?

_Can I use it? Please? Just once?_

If I agreed, everybody would be using the statues for menial chores like washing up and making beds. House Elves would become obsolete and would have nothing to do with themselves. Plus, Hogwarts would have no pretty statues to line its halls.

_Please?_

In time, my girl. In time.

* * *

_A/N: Because the use of this spell was arguably the best part of the film. Next memo: What actually is the pineapple shorts incident? Stay tuned to find out!_


	110. Memo 110

_A/N: Alright, I am *slightly* worried about this chapter because too many people have told me they are looking forward to hearing about this incident and I am certain this is not what you were expecting, unless – like me – you have a mind that is warped beyond any kind of repair. Plus, I was very, very tired (and waiting for midnight to come along so that I could raid Pottermore to try to get in early) when I wrote this. Anyway, I hope you like it!_

* * *

MEMOS

_My eyes! My perfectly beautiful eyes!_

I am afraid to ask.

_They're burning!_

Literally?

_It burns!_

Alright, get it all out of your system.

_I think I might die._

Stop being over-dramatic.

_I am telling the truth! I will either die of shame or of being burnt to death from a fire started in my eye sockets._

So your eyes really are on fire?

_*Death*_

Oh, come on! You cannot die on me, Minerva McGonagall! I need you to do my paperwork!

_My death is your fault. I hope you have that on your conscience for the rest of your tawdry existence._

It shall forever haunt me.

_I think you will find that sarcasm is my thing._

I am perfectly serious: Your death will plague my dreams for eternity.

…

Mainly because it is a recurring and very happy dream that I have.

_You evil man._

Aren't I just? Anyway, if I am to be blamed for your death, I would like to know exactly how I brought it about.

_Oh, Merlin, where do I start?_

From the beginning, like any sensible person would do.

_Well, when you say it like that, I am tempted not to tell you!_

How can you tell how I am saying it? I'm writing words on a piece of paper!

_There is no need for rudeness._

Just tell your story and leave me in peace.

_Fine. I found a book on rare potions in my library at home._

Not uncommon in an old family house.

_That isn't the end of the story, Albus._

Oh… of course not.

_Anyway, I thought it might interest Horace and it's not like I was going to read it; I am diabolical with anything other than simple Potions._

You got an O at O.W.L.

_Like I said, I can only do simple potions and the potions in this book were anything but simple. Therefore, being the lovely, kind-hearted woman I am, I asked him to come with me to my rooms while I went to get it for him._

Does this story have a double speed button or something?

_You wanted to hear the whole story, Albus!_

I never actually said that.

_If you insist on talking, it will take much longer to tell!_

…

_So, there we were in my living room; I was searching the place because I had forgotten where I had put the book and he asked to use my bathroom._

And you said 'yes'?

_Well, I didn't want the contents of his bladder spilled over my lovely wooden floors!_

Fair enough.

_So, I found the book just as he was coming out of the bathroom and –_

He had turned into a vampire?

_No. Worse._

How can it possibly be worse than that?

_He came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but a rather gaudy pair of boxer shorts. They had PINEAPPLES on them for Merlin's sake! PINEAPPLE SHORTS!_

Oh. My. Goodness.

_DO NOT LAUGH, Albus Dumbledore. The man honestly thought that I wanted to… you know… with HIM! He was my Potions Professor for crying out loud!_

Did you let him?

_Did I let him what?_

You know…

_No, I did not sleep with him! My eyes are still burning from the sight of it._

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.

_It's not funny! I almost died of embarrassment._

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.

_And the fact that I was choking on laughter didn't help._

Hahahahahahahahahahaha.

_STOP IT, YOU HEARTLESS BUFFOON!_

Please tell me that you took a picture or something.

_No, I couldn't stand to._

…

_It was awkward enough having to tell him that I am not interested and to get out of my rooms._

I bet you were mortified.

_I was._

I think that constitutes a little blackmail.

_Blackmail?_

Just a little emotional compensation; he scarred you for life. Do you not want vengeance?

_**You**__ are trying to convince __**me**__ to blackmail a colleague and former teacher?_

Yes.

_Well, there's a new one._

Before I die of a ruptured lungs due to excessive laughter, I have one more question for you.

_Sigh. Continue._

Did he take the book?


	111. Memo 111

_A/N: You lot spoil me with your reviews. BUT DON'T STOP! I like to be spoiled sometimes :)_

* * *

MEMOS

_Albus, I have a very serious question to ask you._

Yes, I will marry you.

_I'm afraid someone beat you to that one._

Damn. Every time.

_This has happened to you frequently before? _

Only with you.

_Why do I suddenly feel bad for being married? I know why. STOP DOING THE PUPPY DOG EYES!_

But they work so well…

_Not well enough to split up a marriage, Dumbledore._

Sigh.

_That's my line._

…

_Back to my question, I really do need your opinion._

Yes, you should get the mullet.

_I will never have a mullet, Albus, but, if you are not careful, you might just wake up with one._

NOOOOOOOO! My beautiful hair!

_Can we be serious for one minute?_

I'm not too sure that Mr. Black would be happy about that.

_Not __**that**__ joke again. Anything but that one._

Just ask your question.

…

As long as it has nothing to do with Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans.

…

Or Muggle fashion designers.

…

Or animal husbandry.

…

My specialist subject is "Amazing things said by Albus Dumbledore".

_My question involves none of those things._

My life is over.

_If only._

That was a little bit harsh, Minerva.

_Yes, yes it was._

I question whether you have a heart sometimes.

_Not more frequently? I am disappointed in myself._

So, now that I am suitably depressed, what was your ominous question?

_Can I get your permission to change my name to Minerva McBadass?_

* * *

_A/N: Out-of-character question, you say? Well, I say that it makes perfect sense for it is absolutely true._


	112. Memo 112

_A/N: This is sort of a spin-off from my new one-shot 'Making it Better', which I promise is not angsty at all despite the really dire title. This memo will make a whole lot more sense if you read that first. And yes, this is a terribly blatant attempt to get people to read my one-shots. At least you can't call me a liar ;)_

* * *

MEMOS

Thank you for earlier.

_I have no idea what you are talking about._

You know, in the Entrance Hall earlier on you –

_No! Not in my memory anywhere. You must have been hallucinating._

But you –

_Albus, when will you finally develop the ability to take a hint?_

Why?

_I don't want to talk about it._

Aww, is ickle Minnie embarrassed?

_No!_

I think she is.

_I blatantly just said that I wasn't._

But you are, though.

_No, I am not!_

You are.

_AM NOT!_

I think you are.

_And I think you are a dress-wearing, phoenix-bothering, beard-toting BUFFOON!_

Thank you.

…

I do love the sound of your sighs of frustration.

_At least someone enjoys them._

Why don't you want to talk about it?

_Because if we do, one or, worse, both of the Weasley twins will pop up somehow and harass me for the rest of eternity._

Don't be ridiculous. You won't last for eternity. Nobody will, not even our own legacies.

_Albus, I do not care for your philosophical ramblings at this precise moment in time._

You see, you talk like you hate me, but you didn't act like that this evening when you –

_ALBUS!_

**Interrupting something, are we Professors?**

_Oh, Merlin._

**A lover's tiff perhaps?**

_Since when did the love life of your teachers do anything other than revolt you?_

**Since we realised that you avoided our question (which was meant for comedic purposes only, before you think of giving us detention) by asking another question.**

_One, do not tell me that you are doing something for comedic purposes because that almost always DOES result in detention and several headaches or near heart attacks. Two, avoiding answering an impertinent question does not mean that I have something to hide!_

**We believe you, McGoogles. Plenty wouldn't.**

_Children! Why did I agree to work in a school?_

**To be with your lifelong love, Albus Dumbledore?**

_NO!_

Minerva, I like these two. Can we keep them? Please?

_No!_

**You know, McG, you really need to learn to say yes. What are you afraid of? Are you afraid that someone might actually get to like you? Are you afraid of the commitment?**

_Will you two stop it before I expel you? You are not therapists, I am not afraid of commitment, and NO WE CANNOT KEEP THEM, ALBUS! THEY ARE NOT DOGS!_

I see. And how does that make you feel?

_Just because I said they couldn't be therapists, that doesn't mean that you can be._

I feel like we may need the presence of a therapist very soon.

**Agreed.**

_I am surrounded by idiots._

**Again with the insults? Honestly, you are just asking to be hated.**

She did give me a rather nice hug earlier, though.

* * *

_A/N: Just to let you know, I will be going back over the earlier memos just to sort out typos and formatting, but the content will be __**exactly **__the same so don't worry; you won't have to traipse through them all again ;)_


	113. Memo 113

_A/N: Well, I just got a tumblr and am vair, vair overexcited about it. Verging on obsessed with checking my dashboard every minute. However, I did manage to squeeze in some time between refreshing to write this._

* * *

MEMOS

_Oh, I am going to kill that woman._

I assume you are referring to Delores.

_I am going to hex her into next Tuesday._

Are you even looking at my replies?

_I will rip her hair out, strand by bloody strand, and then scoop out her eyeballs with a rusty spoon._

That's a bit sadistic, is it not?

_Merlin help me, I will set the Weasley twins on her._

HOLD UP! Nothing quite so drastic, thank you very much.

_Albus, times like this call for drastic action!_

What did she do this time?

_She has summoned me to her office._

Uh oh.

_I know. She wrote this awful little note on gaudy pink parchment (Merlin knows where she got that from) that says that she expects me in her office to talk about my "position and teaching style" at a quarter past six._

Pink parchment, you say?

_I mean, 'quarter past six'? She is trying to intimidate me with the use of quarter hours! Well, if she thinks she can get the better of me, she has quite a nasty shock in store. At least I know someone will be waking up with a face full of boils in the morning._

Now that you are done with your empty threats, may I leave?

_Empty threats?_

Yes. You always make empty threats. You whine and moan for an hour and plot extravagant revenge plots that are completely impractical, then you take all that anger and force it into a bottle (which is building up pressure daily and will explode if you are not careful) and MOVE ON.

_Are you quite finished?_

I think so. Why?

_Because the bottle just exploded._

Thank you for using my metaphor against me.

_No problem._

We're sorry, but Professor Dumbledore is too busy running to acknowledge your acknowledgment of his thanks.

* * *

_A/N: Yes, I did use that line from The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie (a FABULOUS film that I recommend to any of you who have not yet had the pleasure of seeing it)._


	114. Memo 114

MEMOS

_Dolores Bloody Umbridge!_

No, my name is Albus Bloody Dumbledore. A-L-B-U-S. Are you finally losing your marbles, woman?

_You had better be wishing that you hadn't written that._

I am.

_Good. Now, what I meant was why, oh why, did you allow the Ministry to push that vile, foot-scented toad upon us?_

Cornelius was pretty steadfast in his decision.

_That has never stopped you before!_

Do we have to have this conversation again? Can't you just tell me what she said to you in that meeting to renew your detestation of her?

_It is not so much renewing as increasing to the point where my blood pressure is perilously high._

If I anger you enough, will your limbs explode?

_No, Albus._

_It won't work._

_Albus, stop it._

You look terrible in tartan.

_ALBUS DUMBLEDORE SHUT YOUR MOUTH! NONE OF MY LIMBS ARE EXPLODING, OKAY?_

O-kay…

_I could report you for trying to kill your employees._

You could. But you wouldn't.

_But why not? I could be my own boss, fob all of my paperwork off onto Filius and spend my days plotting world domination from the comfort of my tartan-covered, knick-knack free office!_

YOU WOULD MAKE A TERRIBLE LEADER!

_Albus! None of my limbs will be exploding today, thank you very much!_

…

_Toad Face's however…_

So I **will** get to see some explosion of human tissue and innards?

_Almost definitely, you scarily revolting human being._

Good enough for me.

…

What did she do then?

_She found the board._

She didn't?

_She did._

She didn't?

_Yes, she did._

She didn't?

_SHE DID!_

She didn't?

_I think we have safely established that she did and that none of my limbs will be exploding due to excessive anger!_

…

...

She didn't?

_Thank you for causing the head-shaped dent in my desk._

I didn't force you to bang your head against the desk.

_Well, that's not all I've banged against my desk._

SWEET MOTHER OF MERLIN! I am shocked! Where did that come from?

_Well, now that I have your attention… Umbridge found the dartboard._

…

_The one with her picture on it._

…

_And several darts in the nose._

Did she find the other one? The one with the tally?

_Yes._

Well, this is what happens when you keep an Umbridge dartboard and a tally of all the disasters she's inadvertently caused in your office.

_Thank you for the moral support._


	115. Memo 115

_A/N: Sirius is in _**bold, **_people!_

* * *

_Oh, those idiotic, wormy little ba-_

What did they do this time?

_The Four Idiots only decided to scrawl "What's new, Pussycat?" at the top of every page of a diary and then leave it outside of my office wrapped up in paper with cartoon mice running around it._

**You have no evidence, Minerva!**

_Mr. Black, you will desist from using my forename!_

**I will not.**

_Detention._

**It will take a lot more than that, MINERVA.**

_No more Hogsmeade weekends for a month. No Quidditch. No broomstick privileges._

**I concur.**

Now she's got you where she wants you.

**No, Professor, I'm not in her bed.**

_In your dreams, Black._

**Yes indeed, Professor. Yes indeed.**

_Albus, is it immoral to castrate students?_

Yes.

_Damn._

**Then again, if you were to do it by hand…**

_SHUT UP!_

With all due respect, Mr. Black, before you get murdered by our dear Transfiguration Professor, can you tell us why you are in this conversation?

**I came to protest the innocence – and thereby defend the honour – of the four brave Gryffindors known to you as the Marauders.**

_But we already know you did it._

**Honestly, we didn't do it! I swear on my stack of magazines.**

_Those had better not be Playwizard!_

Why? Are you in it this time?

_ALBUS!_

I'll take that as a yes.

**Saucy minx.**

_Give it up, Black. Insulting me won't distract me._

**WE DIDN'T DO IT!**

_I KNOW IT WAS YOU FOUR!_

**How?**

_Because you never said "but I wish we had done it"._

**Damn! I knew I forgot something. Moony reminded me of that as well!**

I suggest sending it by owl next time.

**Thanks, Dumbly.**

_Gah! I swear males were invented simply to cause extreme aggravation._

**Is it time for somebody to learn about the birds and the bees?**

* * *

_A/N: By the way, guys, if any of you have tumblr let me know because I need to follow some more Potterheads :)_


	116. Memo 116

_A/N: A little idea thought up by Bushy-haired-know-it-all._

* * *

MEMOS

_He will get his due, I am sure._

**But I honestly didn't do it this time!**

_Black? Is that you?_

**The one and only.**

_What are you doing in the castle? I swear if you go anywhere near any of my students I will-_

**Castrate me with a rusty knife, I know. But I really didn't do anything! I swear on my pile of motorcycle magazines.**

Ah, so not Playwizard this time?

_ALBUS! Now is not the time for jokes!_

I disagree. In times like these, we need to see some light.

_There is a murderer in your school and all you can do is make terrible jokes?_

Well, when you put it like that…

**How many times do I have to tell you people that I am not a murderer?**

_Why should we believe you? Don't even answer that! I'm getting my wand and I'm tracking you down._

**I'm on the third floor.**

Rookie mistake.

**Ah, but is it?**

You, my friend, are a genius.

**You do believe me though, don't you Dumbles?**

That you're not reading Playwizard?

**No. That I'm not a murderer.**

I do.

**Then why don't you tell her that?**

I prefer to watch you struggle.

**Gee, thanks.**

She'll wear herself out eventually.

…

You'll be able to talk to her then.

* * *

_A/N: To attempt to make up for the wait, I'm posting two chapters at once!_


	117. Memo 117

_A/N: For xPoisonous-Strawberryx._

* * *

MEMOS

Minerva?

_No. I've changed my name._

What shall I call you now?

_I only answer to Professor McBadass._

Minerva, we have been through this.

_Sorry, I suddenly cannot read you writing._

*Sigh*

…

Professor McBadass, we have been through this.

_Yes we have. That does not change my mind, however._

Fine. Can you answer my question, though?

_That depends on the question._

Well, you know Muggles, don't you?

_Yes, Albus, I know Muggles. As do you._

Yes, but you **know **Muggles, don't you? As friends and such.

_Merlin help me! Yes, Albus, I do._

Then you will be just the person to help me.

_I don't like the sound of this._

What exactly is the function of a rubber duck?

_Well, of course, it's… actually… I – I don't know… it just sort of… is. _

How very helpful you have been.

_Well… you put it in the bath and it… just… floats…_

Brilliant. Oh, wise one, I shall never have a question again with your help!

_What made you come up with this question?_

Arthur Weasley.

_I'm going to kill that man; I'll be thinking of this question all day!_

Don't kill him, please. He'll leave behind seven children.

_Well, maybe he should have thought about that before he started asking annoying, brain-plaguing questions… or maybe before he jumped into bed with Molly._

Harsh.

_I know._

…

_You love it really._

…

_Albus?_

…

_You do, don't you?_

…

_Dumbly?_

…

_Sigh. Forever alone._

* * *

_A/N: If anyone does know the real function of a rubber duck, I would love to know._


	118. Memo 118

_A/N: Thank you for all your replies concerning rubber ducks; I am now well-versed in the topic (which you all seem to be far too knowledgeable about) and actually went out and bought myself one. His name is Quackers. No judging, please. **So, memo 118 is dedicated to Erin Magnus-Druitt for suggesting the introduction of two new characters to this chapter. **Enjoy!_

* * *

Minerva, I have a plan.

_Can't it wait until the next Order meeting?_

This matter does not concern the Order.

_Oh, really? Well now I'm interested… which means this can only go horribly downhill from here._

Your faith is outstanding.

_Your sarcasm is terrible._

Rude.

_Yes, you were._

Do you want to hear my plan or not?

_It hardly matters. You shall tell me anyway._

**Don't listen to her, Uncle Albus!**

_**She always gets grumpy when she doesn't have tea with breakfast.**_

_I do not!_

Minerva, your granddaughters are brilliant.

**We thank you, kind sir.**

Perhaps you would like to hear my marvellous plan?

_**We would be honoured.**_

_Annie, you stop that this second. Go and occupy yourself with something else._

_**Granny, why would I do that?**_

_He'll just suck you into his stupidity._

**Uncle Albus is not stupid.**

I love your grandchildren.

_**Thalia's right! He's not stupid, he's just… what's the word?**_

A genius? Amazing? Brilliant?

_**Misunderstood.**_

That's good enough for me!

_Merlin help me; I am being overthrown by my own flesh and blood._

**This is what you get when your relatives are Ravenclaws.**

_I was nearly a Ravenclaw._

_**The operative word there being 'nearly'.**_

Gryffindors can be clever too.

_But your Uncle Albus is not really testimony to this fact._

Excuse me? Who is the one that concocts the brilliant plans?

_Erm…_

_**I couldn't say…**_

**Uncle Filius?**

No, you short-sighted little people! It's me! I make the plans.

…

Speaking of which, I had a plan to tell you about, Minerva.

_**Do tell, Uncle Albus.**_

Well, since you ask so nicely (unlike your grandmother). I plan to put together a rubber duck army.

_Is this like the rodent one you had before?_

Not at all.

**Sounds fun.**

_**I don't think that will work.**_

Yep, this one is definitely related to you, Minerva.

_I know._

**Ahem. What about me?**

Obviously, you are my long-lost grandchild or something.

_**Say, you two didn't…**_

_Merlin, no!_

Not when we were sober.

_Albus! Don't lie to the children!_

Fine. I was sober.

_Why do I bother?_

…

_And why does everybody think that?_

**You give off that vibe.**

_If your grandfather hears you saying that…_

_**He will congratulate us on our amazing comedy double act routine.**_

**Double act? I'm the one with the jokes!**

_**Half of which make no sense until yours truly adapts them!**_

**I will have you know that my jokes are the best.**

_**But they all involve some sort of falling over gag.**_

**That is not true!**

…

**I have some "walked into a bar" ones, too…**

Minerva! What say you we cut loose and slip down to the Three Broomsticks?

_I'm there._

_**Your jokes have absolutely no structure.**_

**Don't be such a comedy-killer, Annie!**

_**Don't be such an idiot, Thalia!**_

_I think this dispute may be going for a while._

* * *

_A/N: I also apologise for the lack of speedy update but I returned from holiday and to school the next day, so it's all a bit jumbled right now._


	119. Memo 119

MEMOS

Minerva, Minerva, Minerva!

_You remembered my name!_

Yes I did!

_Aww, how sweet of you._

Minerva, don't be cute. You're too old for that… and it makes me suspicious.

_Too old? Well I never! You had better have something wonderful to tell me or you may wake up missing a certain part of your anatomy._

Ooh, which part?

_Not the good one._

Oh no.

_The point?_

What about it?

_Where is it? Is there one? OR are you just trying to annoy me?_

No, there is a point.

…

…

_I'm waiting._

Oh, I beg your pardon; I didn't know you wanted to know exactly what it was.

_Do I have to explicitly ask for everything now?_

Will you explicitly ask to come to my bed?

_Never._

Then no.

_Thank you. Now, tell me what you did._

Just because I said you didn't have to ask everything doesn't mean that you can abandon all sense of manners.

_Will you just tell me what you did to make you even more annoying and depraved than usual?_

Umbridge –

_What have I told you?_

Sorry. I mean: Toad Face From Hell –

_That's better._

Well, Toad Face From Hell put Harry in detention again.

_What? Why? And why was I not notified?_

I don't know. Probably for no reason. And she doesn't really care whether or not you know.

_Grrrr._

…

_So what have you done about it?_

I sent her a box of shortbread.

_Because nothing says 'I hate you' like a box of delicious Scottish happiness._

Whatever would your ginger newts say?

_They would understand; everyone loves shortbread. _

You haven't heard what I did to it yet.

_This sounds interesting._

You bet your wand, it is!

_Go on then!_

It's poisoned with one of those new tricks the Weasley Twins have concocted.

_This cannot be good._

Not for Dolores, it won't be.

_Which one was it?_

I believe they call it a 'Skiving Snackbox'.

_Oh, those awful things that make the students vomit?_

The very same.

_You, my friend, are finally catching my evil genius syndrome._

It's just like you to take the credit for my brilliant plan.

_It's just like you to take the credit for my hours of slaving over YOUR paperwork._

Touché.

_Where did you get the snackbox from, anyway?_

I have my sources.

_Argus' office?_

Yep.

_That man really needs to stop leaving important things lying about._

Like his dignity.

_I like this new, cruel side to you._

You'll like it even more tonight.

_Too far._

Joking.

…

I was joking about the bed thing earlier, by the way.

_Of course you were, dear. Of course you were._


	120. Memo 120

_A/N: Here's a mini memo for you all! Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MINERVA!_

* * *

MEMOS

_I swear if Severus makes one more comment about Slytherin winning the Quidditch cup, I will personally ensure that he cannot walk for a week!_

D -

_No, I do not mean that as any sort of innuendo!_

In that case, I cannot permit it.

_Albus, don't be such a drag._

I wore that dress ONE time!

_Not what I meant. _

Oh… well this is embarrassing for both of us.

_Indeed. Good day to you, sir._

And the same to you, my good woman.


	121. Memo 121

MEMOS

_Guess what I just saw._

A talking squirrel?

_Yes, because that's the obvious conclusion that you would jump to._

Minerva, you asked me to guess and I gave up my precious time in order to do that. I would appreciate it if _**you**_ could appreciate _**that**_.

_But it was a stupid answer._

You never stipulated whether it was to be a stupid or serious answer.

_Must I spell everything out for you?_

Goodness, no, Minerva. That would be a ridiculous waste of time. Sometimes I doubt whether you have the ability to think logically.

_Merlin help me._

What did you see, anyway?

_Frog-Face-Demon-From-Hell._

Well, it's not unusual for one of our teachers to be walking around the school.

_First of all, DO NOT associate me with that awful creature by calling her "one of our teachers" and, secondly, I was not finished telling you why it was so interesting seeing her today._

You know, if you were just to tell me everything in a single memo, you would save yourself a lot of time.

_But it would also annoy you less._

It would also give you more time to get your paperwork done. Or those essays you keep complaining about.

_It is called procrastination, Albus._

And it is a filthy habit.

…

Not as filthy as you, though.

_Stop it. Now._

Sorry.

_I should think so._

I give up. Why were you so interested to see Umbr – I mean Frog Breath today?

_Her favourite pink cardigan had a little addition to it._

Was it that wonderful brooch you sported on Filius' last birthday, because that really was pretty?

_Yes, Albus. I have been sharing fashion advice with Dolores Umbridge._

Well, it's not that – WAIT! YOU SAID HER NAME!

_I DID?_

YOU DID.

_What do you care?_

It's like a sign of the apocalypse or something!

_Oh, Albus, one day you will find out what it is like to be an adult._

Not if I can help it!

_Anyway, will you stop deviating from my wonderful story please?_

As you wish Madam Hypocrite.

_I shall overlook that._

Something's going on; you would normally kill you for that.

_It's fine. I have your sherbet lemons and you will not get them back until you listen to my story and are polite to me._

I'll be good.

_That is what I thought. Now… I was on one of my jolly little Saturday afternoon strolls to the Quidditch pitch –_

Where you secretly used to go to make out with your boyfriends as a student.

_Albus, what have I told you a – wait… what? You knew about that?_

**Everybody **knew about that.

_I feel used._

…

_Well… Frog-Face-From-The-Deepest-Pits-of-Drivel happened to be walking the same way as I stepped out of the Entrance Hall. So, naturally, I invited her along for a walk._

You weren't planning on making out with **her, **were you?

_ALBUS DUMBLEDORE, HOW DARE YOU SUGGEST SUCH A THING?_

It is so nice to see you still using correct grammar even when you are raging.

_No, when I say I invited her along, I really mean that I told her where to go (and you can imagine that that is not a very pleasant place) but she didn't take the strongly-worded hint and came along anyway. It was only when we reached the Quidditch pitch when I remembered that Severus had coerced me into allowing Slytherin to train this weekend._

When you say "coerced"…

_No, I do not mean that he offered me sexual favours._

Just wondering. Do continue.

_Of course, I thought she should see them play since she obviously favoured them, having let them reform before the Gryffindor team. Well, the second we stepped into the stands, the new Beater – Donnesley, I think he's called – sent a Bludger straight her way._

How comical.

_That is not all! As she fell (all slow motion-like), a rather unfortunate bowl of blue paint just appeared in front of her. Then again, at least we know now why she doesn't wear blue. It really is not her colour._

Hahahahahaha.

_Yes, it was rather marvellous._

Min?

_Yes?_

You put the paint there, didn't you?

_How can you suggest something so low of me?_

You did, didn't you?

_Yes._


	122. Memo 122

_A/N: Here's another memo for you to make up for my recent lack of posting. Not that I'm trying to bribe you or anything..._

* * *

_MEMOS_

_Is that you knocking at my door?_

No. Why would I ever waste my time in coming to your rooms when I could simply summon you like a slave. Bwah ha ha ha ha!

_Is it you, though?_

No. I do tell the truth, you know.

_Yes, when it suits you._

Why don't you just open it?

_Because if I find Gilderoy Lockhart at my doorstep again, I shall not be held responsible for my actions._

Ahem. I think it is about time that I took that holiday to Bermuda that I have been planning for a while. Yes, the Triangle seems like a wonderful place.

_If you have done something, not even the Bermuda Triangle will be able to save you from my wrath._

It's worth a try, though.

…

I MEAN… I have no reason to worry then.

_Nice save._

Thank you; I always thought I should have been a Keeper.

_Not in relationship terms, obviously._

Cold.

_So will your bedroom be if I find Lockhart at my door._

What does that mean? Will you stop sleeping in my bed?

_I would have to start sleeping in your bed for that to be a valid question._

Must you ruin everything?

_It's my prerogative._

Why do I hire these killjoys?

_Because somebody needs to run this place._

My, my. We are on a lexical killing spree this evening, aren't we?

_My dear, I am every evening._

Too true.

_Sometimes I doubt you know me at all._

My dear, do you not know that it is rude to ignore somebody knocking at your door?

_I won't open it._

Oh, you will.

_Will I?_

You will.

_Will I?_

You will.

_And what makes you so sure?_

I know you too well. You have always fallen afoul of that old adage: **curiosity killed the cat.**

_But I am not dead._

Merlin, Minerva, learn to use metaphors!

_But being pedantic and literal is so fun!_

Not for everybody else.

_My, how the roles have reversed. You used to be the annoying literal one._

…

_Now you are just annoying._

Thank you kindly.

_See? Now you're even using sarcasm!_

Damn it! It's catching!

_I don't think that it's that contagious._

Will you stop trying to sound stupid and cute, and open your bloody door?

_Never._

Now.

_Okay._

_***Five Hours Later***_

_I hate you._

What did I do this time?

_Gilderoy Lockhart._

I am afraid I was not responsible for bringing that curious man into existence.

_You sent him to my office._

Bwah ha ha ha!

_I don't think you comprehend the seriousness of this situation. I just got harassed by Gilderoy Lockhart. In a salmon pink tuxedo._

Not robes?

_Not robes. A tuxedo. With frilly edges._

Oh dear. I told him to incendio that one.

_Nobody wants your fashion advice!_

Just because I told you **once** that you wear too much tartan.

_You can never have too much tartan._

…

_You have been told._

I am severely disappointed.

_And I am severely irritated. So start running._

Yes, Ma'am.


	123. Memo 123

_A/N: Just going to insert a minor profanity warning here because Minerva is not a happy bunny (is she ever? Yep... I am going to die for that comment...). Anyway, another crazy idea from me to you! :)_

* * *

MEMOS

**Okay, okay. Your turn.**

Bring it on.

**Pomona, Filius, Minerva.**

Snog Filius, marry Pomona, stupefy Minerva.

_Oh, I see how it is, you bastard! Do your own paperwork from now on!_

Minerva –

_Don't you DARE 'Minerva' me!_

But that is your name.

**I think this is my cue to leave.**

_Stay right there, Severus. I will deal with you right after I have murdered Albus._

Gulp.

**With all due respect, you cannot make me do anything.**

_Oh? Can't I? I could set the hinkypunks on you._

**I concur. Please continue.**

Ha! Severus, my boy, you must know she is lying?

_Shut up, you! You have yet to explain yourself!_

Sigh.

_Do it!_

Fine. I would snog Filius because he looks like the type to really know how to kiss a girl –

_But you aren't a girl._

Details, details. Now are you going to let me finish or not?

_Get on with it._

I would marry Pomona because she could bake me cookies every day of my life.

**He has a point. Pomona's cookies are delicious.**

_Shut up, Severus!_

…

_And why would you stupefy me, Albus?_

Because… erm…

…

Because I am intimidated by… your beauty…

_You… what… I… oh, Albus you are so sweet._

Just don't go spreading it around.

…

Minerva?

…

Hello?

…

She's gone.

**Nice save, old man.**

I know. Right, it's your go. Poppy, Rubeus and Aurora.

* * *

_A/N: Hi. Me again. I would just like to apologise for Severus's relative OOCness; I'm not really sure where it came from._


	124. Memo 124

MEMOS

_Albus Dumbledore, what on earth have you been doing in my rooms?_

Is this about the love note in your top drawer, because I honestly never wrote that?

_No, Albus._

…

_Wait, there's a love note in my drawer?_

No-o…

_Back to the more pressing issue of the new addition to my living room!_

Oh, sorry. I forgot to mention that.

_There is a massive goat in my living room and you "forgot to mention that"?_

Erm…

_Well? Are you going to explain yourself?_

If you would give me a moment –

_Have you entirely lost your wits?_

On the contrary, I rather –

_Have you been possessed by Aberforth?_

Don't be ridicu –

_Are you going to explain or not?_

I am storing it for this year's pantomime.

_Pantomime?_

Yes. I thought that I would restart the old pantomime tradition.

_You do remember what happened last time, don't you?_

Oh, yes. But I thought I could get morale up a bit, what with all of this Triwizard stress going on.

_And you thought that a pantomime could do that?_

Yes. Why not?

_And what do you suggest that this pantomime entails?_

I was thinking that it would be nice to do one of those Muggle tales, you know, to make the newest Muggle-born students feel a little more welcome. Perhaps Cinderella.

_Why would you need a goat for Cinderella?_

It requires a horse, but a goat is easier to get. Aberforth has a lot of them.

_You could just Transfigure something into one AND GET THIS THING OUT OF MY OFFICE!_

Calm down and listen to my ideas.

_..._

I take your silence as an agreement to listen.

_Just get on with it._

We will do it all in the Muggle way. No magic. Teach the children not to rely entirely on magic, give them a few practical skills. Think of it as an extended Muggle Studies class. We could get Aurora to teach them some painting skills when she creates the sets. It could be educational.

_Hmm… I suppose the students might enjoy that… and heaven knows we have some dramatic characters this year…_

Oh, it will not be the students acting it out.

_Tell me you are not serious._

Think of how much more respect they will have for you after seeing you up on stage!

_Respect? We will be mocked!_

I think you would make a wonderful Fairy Godmother.

_Run. NOW._

* * *

_A/N: This memo exists simply as I am trying to relieve the pressure of having to learn two different versions of Cinderella pantomimes, in which I play different characters, and learn a role for a musical._


	125. Memo 125

_A/N: Especially for LilyxJames4ever, with wishes of good health. And Happy Halloween everybody!_

* * *

MEMOS

Minerva! Do you know what day it is today?

_October 31__st__, Albus._

And you know what that means, don't you?

_Not more trolls in the dungeon?_

Thankfully not.

_Several pumpkin-related injuries?_

No. Hagrid has managed to keep them on a tight rein this year.

_What then?_

Only the most fundamental Halloween tradition ever!

_Oh no._

TRICK OR TREAT!

_Trick or treat?_

Yes, Minerva. And this year I am not allowing you to escape the sacred rites of Halloween.

_I definitely do not like the sound of this…_

COSTUMES!

_No._

Please?

_No._

Please?

_Over my dead body._

That can be arranged.

_You don't have the guts._

I am simply getting into the Halloween spirit, my dear Professor.

_You stay away from me, Albus Dumbledore._

But you get given sweets for just putting on a costume.

_I will not bring eternal humiliation down upon myself for the sake of a cheap sugar kick._

Don't listen to her, my dear sherbet lemons.

_You need to give those things up._

Not until you put on a costume.

_Not until you do your own paperwork._

Done.

_Not until – wait… what?_

I'll do the work if you put on the costume.

_I don't have one._

Transfigure one.

_I wouldn't know what to go as._

Fine. Then I shall choose a costume for you.

_NO!_

Too late.

**ONE HOUR LATER**

_Albus, a nurse is not scary. And I've never seen one wear a skirt this short._

* * *

_A/N: Oh, the mental images…_

_In memory of James and Lily Potter (nee Evans)._


	126. Memo 126

MEMOS

_Albus! There are fireworks destroying my classroom!_

And what am I supposed to do about it?

_GET THEM OUT!_

Why don't you vanish them? It is simple enough.

_You know why I cannot banish them, Albus, because YOU put an anti-vanishing charm on them!_

I did no such thing.

_I don't believe you._

Those charms are easy enough to remove, Minerva.

_Not without knowing the specific one used._

Why not just use 'finite incantatem'?

_Albus, I am not incompetent! I have tried that!_

Is somebody getting panicky?

_No._

Is the brave little Gryffindor getting all scared?

_NO!_

Are you sure?

_Yes! Anyway, everybody knows that animals detest fireworks._

But you are an Animagus; you are only an animal for a small amount of time.

_Damn you and your logic!_

Remember this moment; it will not happen again very soon.

_JUST GET THEM OUT!_

But it is the fifth of November.

_The day of gunpowder, treason and plot!_

You wouldn't?

_That's right, Dumbles. You finally pushed me over the line. Today, my plot to overthrow you shall reach fruition! And it will be glorious._

If it has taken you all these years to formulate a plan, I think I shall take my chances.

_But think about it; I have had all of these years to plan, craft, perfect this coup._

Most of the years to which you refer were spent playing chess and scaring first-years.

_I concur._

Finally.

_I'm still coming to get you._

Not until you get past the firework army. BWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA!

_That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard._

Which is saying something, considering that you hear yourself talk a great deal.

_I'm coming to get you!_

Promises, promises.

* * *

_A/N: Sorry, I meant to post this yesterday… but there are still fireworks going off outside my house so it still counts!_


	127. Memo 127

_A/N: Well, the holidays are here and I finally have time to write! Requests are open and welcomed._

* * *

MEMOS

Is that James Potter lying on the floor outside?

_Yes, I do believe it is._

Is he alright?

_Well, I poked him with a stick and he didn't move. He might be dead._

You poked him with a stick and then just left him there? A student?

_I believe that is what I just said, yes._

How much have you had to drink today?

_How dare you accuse me of being drunk on the job?_

Technically, it is a weekend. You could be out doing whatever you like.

_What is a weekend? With the amount of work I've had to do recently, I have forgotten what it is like to have those marvellous free days. Wait, if we can do anything on weekends, does this mean that I can go to that convention in January?_

No.

_Why not?_

Because a tartan convention is a stupid idea. Especially when even your biscuit tin is tartan.

_There is nothing wrong with being proud of your heritage!_

But you do not have to rub it in our faces.

_Says the man who wears hippogriff-printed robes when he's feeling particularly "springy"._

Hang on, Mr. Potter is moving now. You were lucky this time.

_Shh. This is all part of my master plan._

Why do I not like the sound of this?

_Because you have a disturbing lack of faith in me._

I wonder why that could be?

_Shh. Just watch._

Is that?

_Yes, indeed._

But… how did you…? She would never agree to that, would she?

_Looks like it._

You, my friend, are a genius.

_Well… I wouldn't call myself a 'genius', but it's absolutely fine if you want to._

How did you get Lily Evans to go down there and meet James Potter? It's clear to all that he is besotted with Miss Evans, but she despises him.

_Ah, I pity you, Albus. Your lack of insight into the female mind is quite endearing._

What do you mean?

_Of course she likes him! Have you seen the way she laughs at his jokes._

You laugh at my jokes…

_Yes, but not in the same way. She does the doe-eyes thing when James makes jokes but never when she thinks anybody is watching. I tell you, they will get together._

Well, by the looks of it, it won't be anytime soon.

_Why not?_

She just put the jelly legs jinx on him as she left.

_Ah. That may be a minor obstacle. I almost feel like I should go down there and help him out._

Almost?

_I think that for a second, then I look out of my window and remember how hilarious it is to see him trying to walk._

How much **did **you drink, Minerva?

_Never ask a lady her alcohol limit, Albus._

I thought it was her age that you are not supposed to ask?

_Sssssssssh._

* * *

_A/N: Five house points if you can spot the Downton Abbey reference!_


	128. Memo 128

_A/N: Here's a late Christmas memo from me. Hope you had a good one. Also, congratulations to __**MadameGiry25, minerva's-kitten, LillyPheonix, laurashley11, Batwings79 **__and __**NoraWalker **__who shall all receive house points for correctly identifying the Downton reference._

* * *

MEMOS

Afternoon.

_Albus, where are you? I've been looking for you for hours._

Didn't try too hard, did you?

_Well, I tried 'Accio', but it doesn't work on heavy loads._

Claws away, kitty, it's Christmas.

_You still have not answered my question._

Well, it's the oddest story.

_Perhaps you can tell it without the preamble?_

Preamble is my forte, dear.

_Trust me, I know._

I shall ignore that remark and continue with my tale of woe.

_Sometimes I could swear that inside you there is an angsty teenager waiting to burst out._

I was carrying forth my usual early morning routine of cheerfully and harmlessly –

_Harmlessly? You?_

_-_ walking through the school, checking that the festive decorations are all in order -

_Don't you trust Filius and me?_

- When I came across a rather enticing blueberry muffin just floating there. You are aware, of course, that blueberry happens to be my favourite flavour of muffin.

_Yes, Albus, I am aware._

Therefore you know it would be impossible for me to resist such temptation when it is set out before my very eyes.

_Yes._

So I took it. I woke up ten minutes ago in a broom cupboard on the fifth floor wearing a clown costume and sporting bright pink fingernails.

_Why didn't you take a picture of it, Albus?_

Trust you to mock me at a time like this.

_It's my prerogative._

You may mock me but I think I can name the person who committed this terrible deed.

_Albus, if this is another one of your crackpot theories…_

I have never had a "crackpot" theory in my life… just wrong ones. Anyway, I put it to you that the culprit was none other than your good self.

_What?_

You knew I liked blueberry, you know my early morning routines and you know that I'm deathly afraid of clowns.

_And so does every other member of staff!_

Oh… well…

_You come to meetings every week telling us about your early morning escapades while munching in a blueberry muffin. Then you forget about the boggart in the cloak cupboard and you have to face the same orange-haired buffoon that you do every week._

I… uh… hadn't thought of that…

_You are not Sherlock Holmes, Albus!_

Who?

_Just go down to the Great Hall and get some dinner, will you?_

Good idea. And I apologise for, you know, blaming you.

_I forgive you. But I'm banning you from those Agatha Christie books for a fortnight!_

* * *

***Two Minutes Later***

_Severus, we got him._

**I knew it.**

* * *

_A/N again: To all those of you who have left me with a memo request, I shall begin working on them as soon as I have figured out just what spare time is._


	129. Memo 129

MEMOS

Minerva, my dear, are you quite alright? You seemed unhappy at dinner today.

_It's nothing, really, Albus._

Uh oh, looks like somebody needs cheering up.

_Oh, no I don't!_

Oh, yes you do!

_Oh, no I don't!_

Oh, YES YOU DO!

_Albus, please don't._

How about a nice game of –

_No._

Why not?

_I am not playing another board game with you as long as I live._

Oh, yes you will!

_I don't think you want to go there again, Albus._

Oh, yes I –

_Stop._

Fine. But why won't you play with me?

_I propose you rephrase that sentence._

I propose you stop changing the subject and answer my question.

_I concur. I'm never playing a board game with you again because, last time, you were insufferable._

I was not.

_You threw the board out of the window._

It was because you cheated!

_It was because I beat you._

You would have done the same thing.

_That as may be, I do not care for your board games._

But Horace sent me one from his trip to Marbella.

_Now there's an image I didn't want in my head._

What?

_Horace on a beach._

Come to think of it, it wasn't Marbella. It was Mabelthorpe.

_Well, that's slightly less scarring._

Anyway, the game is called 'Scrabble'. It's a word game. You have to get the most point by making words out of the tiles you are given. Please play it with me? I do so want to try it out.

_Oh, go on then._

* * *

_A/N: This can only end badly._


	130. Memo 130

MEMOS

_Have you seen Rolanda around this morning?_

Not at all, why?

_If you do, tell her that I have gone into Hogsmeade._

But you haven't.

_I know that, you dolt!_

Oh, so you want me to lie for you.

_Essentially, yes._

What did you do wrong this time?

_I might have accidentally taken away her favourite broomstick._

Whatever would possess you to do that?

_Revenge. It is a horrid thing, Albus. Its shadow looms dark over the sunshine and hides all goodness until you are finally able to banish it._

This conversation is getting too deep.

_Says you, Mr. Happiness-Can-Be-Found-Even-In-The-Darkest-Of-Times._

Touché. What are you getting revenge for?

_She. Touched. My. Cloak._

She touched your cloak?

_Yes._

Is that all?

_I don't think you quite understand the gravity of the situation, Albus._

No. You're quite right, I don't.

_Rolanda is the messiest eater in all of history._

Yes, we've all seen her after dinner, but what does that have to do with this?

_She ate peanut butter today… with her fingers!_

And?

_It is all over my brand new cloak._

So scourgify it?

_One does not simply scourgify a Morgana Wisten cloak!_

I thought I was the one who had good dress sense.

_Excuse me?_

Running already.

* * *

_A/N: Lord of the Rings reference, anybody?_


	131. Memo 131

_A/N: One day, I will get round to doing those requests you left me... one day..._

* * *

MEMOS

So. What did you think?

_Of what?_

What do you think? The only thing we've done today!

_Eh. It was alright._

Alright? ALRIGHT? That is all you have to say about this day of wonderment.

_Albus, it was only ten pin bowling._

ONLY TEN PIN BOWLING, SHE SAYS!

_Yes she does say! And please stop shouting at me in memos._

I'M NOT SHOUTING AT YOU!

_THEN STOP WRITING IN CAPITAL LETTERS!_

NOW YOU'RE SHOUTING AT ME.

_I'M ILLUSTRATING A POINT._

I'M JUST WRITING.

_WELL DON'T – Severus is on his way._

So how was your day, Minerva?

_Oh, quite lovely, Albus. Quite lovely._

**You two are sounding surprisingly sane today. Were you in the middle of flirting when I came in?**

_No._

And "surprisingly sane"? Whatever do you mean by that, my dear boy?

**I mean that you two are either going at it like rabbits or you're about to slit each other's' throats.**

Aren't they the same thing.

_No, Albus._

But I thought that –

_Please stop._

But I don't like –

_Albus._

Minerva, I –

_Albus!_

**Sweet Merlin, you were flirting! Whatever must your husband think of this, Minerva?**

_We were not flirting, Severus! Don't you have marking to do?_

**It's not as interesting as this, though.**

_Go, Severus, before I turn your nose into a pig's snout. Permanently!_

***Insert rolling eyes here*. Good evening, then.**

_Is he gone._

…

_Seems like it…_

Minerva?

_Yes, Albus?_

What does "at it like rabbits" mean?

_One day, Albus, when you are a bit older, I might just tell you._

Minerva, I'm seventy-three.

_Hush now._


	132. Memo 132

_A/N: I apologise for being such a bad little fic-writer, but all my shows are done now so I should have a little more time to write. Everyone who has left requests will get their wishes soon. Also, while I'm here, I would like to thank you all for following my work and getting this fic over 1000 reviews. You are all rather marvellous!_

* * *

__MEMOS

_Albus, I have a problem._

…

_Well, it's really more of a dilemma._

…

_Are they the same thing?_

…

_It doesn't matter. What it is, the old mother-in-law will be staying with us over the Christmas holidays due to "unforeseen circumstances" – Merlin only knows what she means by that – and I really don't want her to._

…

_Now, I could either respect the wishes of my husband and graciously accept the hag into my home…_

…

_Or I could make her life a misery for the entire fortnight._

…

_Yes, I think I shall go with the second one. Thanks, Albus._

Um… what just happened here?


	133. Memo 133

_A/N: This memo is for __**NewProphecy**__, who requested a memo from when Minerva was a student. Therefore, my lovelies, this is the very first memo ever exchanged by these two legendary teachers._

* * *

MEMOS

_Professor, may I speak to you?_

To speak, my dear, you must visit me in my office.

_I'm sorry, Sir. I can't. I need to talk to you in strict confidence… anonymously._

In that case, write on.

_Well, Sir, I need some advice._

Then I fear you have come to the wrong person. I can offer very little of help to you if it is the troubles of the teenage years that you wish to avoid. Unless, of course, those troubles concern chamber music.

_No, Sir, I…_

I can assure you that whatever you say will go no further and I shall even burn these notes if you wish.

_I don't think that will be necessary, Professor. I was just wondering what the necessary qualifications were to become a teacher._

Well, it depends on the subject and the applicant. There is, of course, the minimum requirement of seven O.W.L.s and an 'Outstanding' in your chosen area – or, if you do not achieve that, considerable experience thereof. Pardon me, but why do you feel unable to ask me this in person?

_I could not be sure that you would keep it a secret if you knew my name. My father would hate for me to become a teacher; he is keen for me to go into the Church in some way, to follow in his footsteps._

Surely you father can respect your wishes? It is your future, after all.

_No, Sir. You see, my father is far too much like me; he is strong-willed and hard-headed, and much too stubborn for his own good. But I refuse to be a good little housewife. I want to help people, to give them aspirations and show them that they can do what they want if they try hard enough._

Well, Miss McKay, I think that is an admirable wish.

_Sir, how did you – _

You talk of your father being religiously involved, you write with an eloquence somewhat beyond the years of a younger student and you have a very strong desire to be great. And you are the only student, Miss McKay, who dots their '_i'_s with a little cross.

_Well done, Sherlock._

Sherlock?

_I beg your pardon, Professor, I spoke out of turn._

You did not speak, my dear, you wrote. Besides, I quite like the nickname. Should you ever wish to contact me in a hurry again, you are welcome to send more of these charming little notes.

_I will, Sir, thank you._

Oh, and Miss McKay?

_Yes, Professor?_

I would advise you to speak with your father. I am sure he will understand.

_I doubt it, Sir, but thank you. Goodnight, Professor._

Goodnight, Minerva.


	134. Memo 134

MEMOS

I did enjoy helping Rosmerta today.

_Me too._

The only difference is, I didn't drink half a gallon of Firewhiskey.

_Pfft. Albus, you __**couldn't **__drink half a gallon of Firewhiskey._

Challenge accepted.

_Oh, good Lord._

I could drink you under the table.

_I would like to see you try._

Oh, you shall.

_Bring it on, Beardy._

Will you stop calling me that?

_Not in the foreseeable future._

Sigh. I wonder how Rosmerta will repay us…

_That thing you're thinking…_

Yes?

_It won't be that._

No free Honeydukes samplers?

_Oh, I thought you meant…Never mind._

One day, Minerva, I will understand your strange little mind.

_Little?_

I mean… I'm off to get the Firewhiskey!

* * *

_A/N: Interested to see how the drinking contest goes? Tune in next time to find out!_


	135. Memo 135

_A/N: This memo contains excessive drinking and if that offends anybody, I would suggest that you skip over it. Also, it is very late and I apologise (which I seem to be doing a lot in these author notes), but I've just got back from France. Anywho, here are the long-awaited results of the drinking competition._

* * *

MEMOS

I CONCUR! No more! Please, no more!

_I knew I could make you beg._

Getting kinky are we, Professor?

_Getting tipsy are we, Headmaster?_

Absolutely not.

_Then have another shot, you coward._

You are on, my feline friend.

***Fifteen minutes of continuous alcohol consumption later***

_Albus, you are sitting on my tail._

But you're not in cat form.

_Yes I am!_

How are you writing then?

…_. Oh yeah… hahaha!_

I think you're a bit drunk, Professor.

_I think YOU'RE a bit drunk, Professor._

You are.

_You are._

You are.

_You are._

You are.

_You are._

You are.

_You are._

***The Next Morning***

_My head…_

What about it?

_It hurts…_

OH, DOES IT?

_Stop shouting at me; it hurts my head. And you sound like my mother._

I am not shouting at you, my dear. I am writing. It is technically impossible to be shouting at you.

_Someone's shouting at me._

You were the one doing the shouting last night.

_Oh, dear Merlin. What did we do?_

We had a most enjoyable night.

_Oh, Merlin._

Severus thought so too.

_Oh, Merlin._

And Sybil.

_OH, MERLIN._

They all thought you performed brilliantly.

_Albus, please tell me we didn't…_

No, we didn't. But I had you worried for a minute, didn't I?

_YOU UTTER CAD!_

Cad? Well, that's nicer than the insults you usually opt for.

_What happened?_

I shan't tell.

_Tell me._

No.

_DO IT._

Nope.

_Albus, tell what the hell happened before I come up there myself and personally STRANGLE you!_

Alright. You were singing at the top of your voice. In the Great Hall.

_What?_

You woke everybody up.

_Everybody?_

Everybody. Even Filius, and he would sleep through the night even if a herd of wild hippogriffs broke down his bedroom door.

_Oh no._

I didn't know you had such a vast repertoire of rock songs.

_Rock songs?_

Yes. I didn't recognise the band, but the ditty was decidedly head-bangingy.

_That isn't even a word, Albus._

I know. But I like it and I shall continue to use it. But we digress; we were talking about your musical efforts.

_Urgh._

The song was something about poison and snakes or something.

_Oh sweet Merlin. It's not true. I don't believe you!_

Denial is not an attractive feature, Minerva.

_I don't care about attractive, I care about dignified!_

Well, I wouldn't in your position. Not after last night.

_Shut up, Albus. What did the song go like?_

Something like "I want your poison, your slithering ways"

_Oh, Merlin._

What is it?

_It a song from my Hogwarts days._

It's that old?

_How dare you?_

It's okay because I'm with Poppy and you wouldn't dare hurt me when she's around.

…

_You win this round, Dumbledore._

Finally. Hey, who is that song by? I quite enjoyed it.

_Me._

What?

_Do you remember the rock band phase I went through at Hogwarts?_

Where you used to alter your robes and tell Professor Dippet that it was your right as an expressive young female?

_Yes. But the last bit still stands._

Apart from the "young" bit.

_You are pushing your luck today, Dumbledore._

But the whole school has blackmail material on you, so…

_Oh my. What if the Governors get whiff of this?_

Mass obliviation?

_Tricky and messy._

Messy in what way?

_What if we miss somebody?_

You're right. We could blame it on Umbridge…

_I knew you were my evil apprentice for some reason._

Apprentice? Is that all? I like to think I'm more of an equal partner than an apprentice.

_Who comes up with the plans?_

You. Mostly.

_Who provides the means and time in which to carry out the plans?_

Technically, that's just the world.

_Who provides your sherbet lemons?_

Okay, you win.

...

But I won the drinking contest.

* * *

_A/N: Hmmm. I'm not particularly happy with how this memo turned out, but I hope you think otherwise! :) I THINK IT IS SAFE TO CONCLUDE THAT ALBUS WON._


	136. Memo 136

_A/N: A memo idea by **PhoenixRose92**._

* * *

MEMOS

_Alright, what was the joke?_

What joke?

_The one you were going to tell earlier before I cleared my throat to remind you how inappropriate it would be to tell it there._

Oh, that one! Right. Prepare to be dazzled.

_I sense an anti-climax coming on._

No, Minerva, dear; that comes later.

_ALBUS!_

Sorry.

**I think you should stand up for your rights as a woman, Professor. Don't let him objectify you.**

_It's quite alright, Miss Granger. Professor Dumbledore and I operate under special circumstances._

_**Oh, Merlin. Does that mean you two are together?**_

_Why does everybody think that?_

Well, who could resist my charms?

_You won't have any charms to resist in a minute. And no, Mr. Weasley, the Headmaster and I are not 'together', as you so nicely put it._

**That's a shame. I always kind of thought you were.**

_I was wondering when you would show up, Potter._

May I ask a rather obvious question?

**Please do, Professor.**

How did your hands fall upon this conversation?

**A wizard never reveals his secrets, Sir. Sorry.**

Ah, of course. How could I have forgotten?

_Give me strength._

_**So what was that joke then, Professor?**_

Drumroll, please.

_Albus, get on with it._

Okay, so a troll, a hag and a leprechaun walk into a bar.

…

_I-Is that it?_

Yes. It's hilarious.

**Are you sure that's it?**

Absolutely.

**Are you sure you didn't just miss the end of it, Professor?**

Why does everybody doubt me?

_**Actually, that's not bad. I mean, it's not Fred and George quality, but it's not bad.**_

**What are you talking about, Ronald.**

_**A troll, a hag and a leprechaun walk INTO a bar. As in physically walk into it.**_

**Oh.**

**But that's…**

_That is terrible._

_**It makes sense though.**_

**Not really.**

_Shouldn't you lot be getting off to your next lesson now?_

**Yes, Professor.**

**Yeah, see you, Professors.**

* * *

*Five minutes later*

That's not at all what I meant.

_What are you wittering on about now? I'm trying to mark an essay here._

The joke.

_Oh, not that again. Please refrain from bringing up that atrocity in the furtue._

But I didn't mean that they walked INTO a bar.

_Then what did you mean?_

I would have thought you would have been able to pick up the contextual comedy of the joke.

_Sorry, nope._

A TROLL, a HAG and a LEPRECHAUN.

_No. Still not getting it._

Think about it. How likely is it for all of those creatures to walk into a bar together?

_Not likely at all._

Exactly.

_Still not finding the funny here._

Picture it.

_Still not funny._

Imagine them sitting together. They couldn't happily drink and converse together could they?

_That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard._

Situational comedy, my dear. Some people just don't understand.


	137. Memo 137

MEMOS

Can I have a word, please?

_Yes._

Thank you.

_What? Is that it?_

Yes. I asked for a word and you gave me 'yes'. For that I thank you.

…

…

_What just happened here?_


	138. Memo 138

_A/N: A memo for all of you tributes out there. For those of you who are not fans of The Hunger Games, I hope you can still enjoy it._

* * *

MEMOS

Um… Minerva?

_Oh dear. What have you done?_

Nothing. Not personally, anyway.

_That still doesn't sound good, Albus._

It's not. Not really.

_What is it?_

There's been a bit of an accident.

_Albus, the bathroom is just around the corner from my office!_

NOT THAT KIND OF ACCIDENT!

_Keep your hair on!_

Fawkes may have made a mess of your office.

_He did what?_

Just a little… um… scratch on your… desk.

_WHAT?_

He just left a little scratch mark on your desk.

_You were supposed to be looking after my office while I'm away for the weekend._

I know. But, don't worry, I can get the scratch out with a simple spell.

_NO!_

Whyever not?

_That. Is. Mahogany._


	139. Memo 139

Memos

You are cold hearted.

_That hurt._

You can't hurt a heart of stone.

_Alright, don't get your wand in a knot._

I WILL GET MY WAND IN A KNOT IF I SO WISH!

_Well, excuse me!_

NO I WILL NOT!

_Calm yourself down._

NO!

_Albus._

GOODBYE, MINERVA!

_Fine. I shall talk to you when you figure out how to be CIVIL!_

**Minerva, what is going on?**

_Alright, this is my favourite story in history. Screw Albus's nonsense. This is perfect. Are you sitting comfortably?_

**Get on with the story, will you?**

_So we were sitting at dinner tonight - you know, the one that you neglected to attend._

**I was brewing potions.**

_If that's what you want to call it…_

**Minerva!**

_Alright! What is wrong with everybody today?_

**Your manner is disturbing me.**

_Your face is disturbing me._

**You can't see my face.**

_Yes I can._

**How old are you?**

_Never ask a lady her age._

**Forgive me, I see no lady around.**

_Low blow, Severus._

**You always reprimand Albus for acting like a child, and yet here you are!**

_Do you want to hear this story or not?_

**Okay.**

_Good. So, we were eating dinner when suddenly this magazine appears in front of Albus. He picks it up, stares down at it and then drops it in disgust._

**What was on it?**

_I'm getting to that. So, the cubs nearest the front – _

**I'm sorry, who?**

_Sigh. The GRYFFINDORS nearest the front – _

**Thank you.**

_You're welcome. The Gryffindors nearest the front start giggling and saying "Ew, Professor!". So I look over at it and guess what it is._

**A knitting magazine again?**

_No… I… what? You're terrible at guessing, I'll just tell you._

**That's all I ask.**

_Well stop interrupting then!_

**Sigh. Please continue, Minerva.**

_I will. It was page three._

**Page three of what?**

_Page three Severus. You know, page THREE. Wink, wink, nudge,nudge._

**What?**

_Still don't get it? Did you never read a tabloid newspaper?_

**No.**

_Please look it up. It will make things much less embarrassing for both of us._

**Well… if you insist.**

_Actually, I've got the one I confiscated from one of your snakes._

**Pardon.**

_I meant 'one of your SLYTHERINS.'_

* * *

_***Ten minutes later***_

**MINERVA! THERE ARE – **

_Women?_

**YES! AND THEY'RE – **

_Exposing themselves?_

**YES!**

_Now you see why the children were laughing._

**This is… you read this drivel?**

_No. Not normally. What do you take me for?_

**How did you come across this in the first place?**

_Oh, Severus, everybody who has ever been in a Muggle newsagents' knows what page three is._

**I don't.**

_You have not lived, my friend._


	140. Memo 140

MEMOS

_Albus, there are flowers on my desk._

I know.

_Are they for me?_

No. I kidnapped them and need you to look after them until I can find someone to buy them on the black market.

_I was unaware that there was an illegal flower trade._

Yes. It's booming. Ask Filius.

_That is our go-to solution for anything really, isn't it?_

Yes. He's about the only one in this school with some level of sanity.

_Merlin knows that's true._

_**Did I hear my name?**_

_Evening, Filius._

_**Good evening, Minerva. What's all this about sanity? I didn't know there was any left in this place.**_

Actually, while we're here, we needed to ask you about the illegal flower trade.

_I thought you were being sarcastic?_

Minerva, you have been telling me for years that sarcasm is not a strong point of mine, why would I suddenly be trying it again?

_Well, I don't know! You're always doing things you're not good at. Last night, for example – _

_**Have I walked in on a domestic here?**_

_What are you talking about, Filius?_

_**I DON'T WANT TO READ ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE!**_

_I AM MARRIED, FILIUS, YOU DIRTY OLD COOT!_

Give it up, Minerva, he's found us out.

_You are not helping, Albus!_

What use is lying anymore? Voldemort's been gone for over a year now, we don't need to protect the children anymore!

_**Children? Merlin's beard.**_

_If you are referring to my daughter, I'll have you know that she is not yours!_

You mean… you've been cheating on me?

_ALBUS! Will you shut up? Filius, I am not – and never have been – in a relationship with Albus Dumbledore, do I make myself clear?_

_**Perfectly.**_

_Alright. I'm off to bed._

You're in denial, Minerva.

_Shut up, Albus._

She is.

…

_**You owe me now, Dumbledore.**_

I know.

_**Minerva is going to kill me tomorrow.**_

It was worth it to annoy her, though.

* * *

_A/N: I'm working on the requests you've left me – if you left one ages ago and I still haven't done it, drop me a message and I'll take it as a mental kick up the backside to get it done in the next week or so. Meanwhile, I'll self-promote my very first Hunger Games fic, which is on my profile if you desire to read it. Thanks for being such awesome readers, guys. I really do appreciate all of your wonderful reviews and favouriting or alerting; it means a great deal to me._


	141. Memo 141

Hmm… I wonder what could be in this wonderfully wrapped orange box that sits so seductively on my desk.

_I wonder._

So what is it?

_Open it and find out, you idiot._

Is it underwear?

_No._

Is it your underwear?

_Definitely not, you perverted old man._

I'm joking. Plus, you can't be mean to me because it's my birthday.

_Oh, please. I can do whatever I want._

I can fire you.

_I believe we have had this conversation._

So we have.

_Stop writing and open the present!_

Alright, alright.

_Do you like it?_

Calm down, woman! You're like an annoying puppy.

_Hmm… that's usually you._

Isn't role reversal fun?

_No._

Minerva… what is 'popping candy'?

_Your birthday present._

Yes, but what does it do?

_Three guesses, genius._

Why must you insult me?

_Why must you make it so easy?_

Stop being obtuse, Minerva. Where did you get this, anyway?

_Rosmerta suggested it. I didn't want to buy you those damned sherbet lemons again._

You will not insult the name of the holy sherbet lemons!

_Calm down, Albus, they're just sweets._

Just sweets? Just sweets, she says. Oh, poor Minerva, I do envy your simplicity.

_Are you calling me stupid?_

Yes, dear.

_Well, if that's your attitude, you can shove that stupid popping candy right up your – _

Oh, I had forgotten about that!

_Already?_

You know I have a short attention span on my birthday. I'm too excited to pay any attention to anything.

_How can you still be excited about your birthday? You've had so many, it must be the same old thing every year._

No two days are the same, Minerva, unless you make them the same.

_Stop trying to be profound._

I don't need to try, it's who I am.

_Just eat the candy._

Alright, alright. You're the woman who is always telling me to stop eating sweets, but here you are, practically forcing it down my throat. You, sir, are a hypocrite.

_Albus!_

Alright.

_So?_

Why is there an explosion in my mouth? It's biting my tongue! MINERVA, IS THIS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN?

_Yes, Albus, this is quite normal apparently._

I WANT A SECOND OPINION!

_Well, I can't give you one._

MINERVA, I AM ABOUT TO DIE HERE!

_It's only popping candy, Albus._

YES, BUT IT IS TRYING TO KILL ME BY BLOWING MY HEAD OFF!

_Oh, come on, it can't be that strong._

YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!

_Well, I hope you survive the night. See you at dinner._

DON'T LEAVE ME! YOU JUST GAVE ME A BIRTHDAY PRESENT THAT IS TRYING TO KILL ME! YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE.

_Watch me._

GET POPPY!

* * *

_A/N: Poor Albus! I'm going to apologise in advance for the fact that I probably won't update much in the next few weeks because of exams (but after them I've got two weeks, so I'll put more up then, hopefully). I hope you continue to enjoy the memos as much as I like writing them!_


	142. Memo 142

_A/N: Well, now my exams are over, I have a week and a bit in which to write fanfiction, so look out for more updates on my part (for those of you reading Teacher Swap, I'm hoping to update it today or tomorrow)._

* * *

MEMOS

Minerva –

_No, Albus. I don't want to talk to you right now._

Oh, come on, it was only a joke.

_Is that what you call sneaking up on me in tabby form and forcing a piece of bread around my face?_

No, I call that breading.

…

Alright, I'm sorry.

…

At least it was only in the staffroom.

…

Do I have to bribe you with chocolate?

…

Books? Money? Unending friendship? Whatever you want, you can have it.

…

**I think you are in the doghouse, as the Muggles call it.**

You're not wrong there, Severus.

**At least it's not the bakery.**

That's in bad taste.

**And angering Minerva was a bad idea. That's my job.**

It was funny, though.

**It would have been funnier if you had put a sticking charm on the bread, though.**

You are an evil, evil man.

**I know.**

_*__**Later that evening**__*_

_Did you enjoy your dinner, Albus?_

Did you finally decide to talk to me again?

_Evidently._

In answer to your question, it was dreadful and you know it.

_What's got your beard in a twist?_

The fact that I was only allowed bread for dinner, perhaps.

_I thought that was your own choice._

You know it wasn't!

_Alright, alright. I'm not supposed to tell you, but Poppy insisted that you be put on an all-bread diet to counter the amount of sweets that you have been eating._

Really?

_No, you dolt. I gave the house elves strict instructions to give you only bread for dinner and nothing else. Call it a favour, since you seem to love bread so much._

You are a cold-hearted woman.

_You can call me the ice queen._

**We already do.**

_Good evening, Severus. I shall be going to bed now, if you don't mind. Good night to both of you._

That woman…

**I feel a prank war coming on.**

Prank war?

**Just a phrase I heard those detestable Weasley twins discussing.**

This cannot end well.

* * *

_A/N numero dos: For those of you who have managed to avoid the breading craze, this video might be of interest to you ===== youtube(.com/watch?v=81QeskKCCaI)_


	143. Memo 143

_A/N: I'm genuinely sorry that it took me so long to update, but I now have a part-time job, so I don't have a great deal of free time anymore. However, I do hope you will continue to enjoy my fics (even if they take forever to update)._

* * *

MEMOS

Heeeeeellooooooooo.

_What now? _

You have no appreciation for additional vowels.

_Albus, I don't have time for this!_

You don't have time for your best friend?

_Albus, he knows!_

Who knows what?

_You know what I'm talking about!_

Severus? So what?

_Do you understand? He knows!_

Be calm about it, though. You don't want him to know that you know that he knows.

_Stop it; we don't lower ourselves to that type of humour._

Yet innuendoes are no problem for you.

_What can I say? It's a mad world._

I've noticed that much more recently.

_Albus, how does he know?_

I haven't told him anything, if that is what you're implying. My lips are locked, my secrets are sacred.

_Yes, but are mine?_

I do not believe you would have to ask me that.

_DID YOU TELL SEVERUS THAT I SLIPPED AN ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION POTION INTO HIS BAG AND LAUGHED WHEN IT FELL OUT IN THE STAFFROOM?_

**I KNEW IT!**

Well, I didn't tell him, but I think you just did.

_You evil cockroach._

I am in a safe haven, your jinxes cannot reach me here.

_I shall be up in five minutes._

If you can find me!

_You're in the hospital wing, begging Poppy to hide you._

How do you do that?

* * *

_A/N: I wonder whether Albus will ever think to use a Disillusionment Charm…_


	144. Memo 144

_**A/N: I haven't written anything in ages because of my A-levels, and I apologise for not finding time for writing, but please don't be too cruel; I'm a little rusty!**_

* * *

Memos

_Albus, help._

What's the matter?

_I think I just punched someone in the face._

You think?

_I don't know._

How can you not know whether or not you caused somebody actual bodily harm?

_It was a… sort of… blur…_

You know, many murderers use that statement as defence in trial.

_I don't even want to know why you stored that piece of information in your brain rather than the ability to choose a subdued outfit for a serious occasion._

There is no room for black in a wardrobe as distinguished as mine!

_I still say that a Hawaiian floral print is entirely inappropriate for a funeral._

Anna-Marie said she didn't want anyone to grieve over her death, Minerva, but to celebrate her life.

_Yes, but you needn't have looked like you were enjoying it quite so much._

Spoil sport.

…

Besides, we are not discussing my (fabulous) choice of clothes! We are questioning how you can be so stupid as to not be certain about punching someone.

_If I told you who it was, you would understand._

You can't go around be violent just because you dislike them.

_It was that horrible git I used to work with at the Ministry._

You're going to have to be more specific than that, dear. There are quite a few, what you call, "horrible gits" working at the Ministry.

_Ludo Bloody Bagman._

But… he worked in a different department to you, didn't he?

_And I work on a different floor of the school to you, but we still know each other, don't we?_

Point taken.

_Oh, Merlin. What have I done?_

You've punched Ludo Bagman.

_Shut up, Albus!_

But you asked…

…

You've brought this on yourself, you know.

_I know._

Ten points from Gryffindor.

_You can't do that!_

I am your superior, young lady.

_But, Prof- I mean… ALBUS! I'm not at school any more._

But you are here.

_I am not a student._

How can the students follow the path of a woman who goes around punching people for no apparent reason?

_Oh, there was a reason._

I am waiting.

_You sound like my father._

Oh, I bet you say that to all the men.

_That was not a compliment._

But your father did have a fine beard.

_Yours is not as fine as his._

Ten more points from Gryffindor.

_Sigh._

Now, are you going to tell me why you punched a former Quidditch star or can I go and eat the chocolate pudding that has been calling to me all day?

_You'll rot your teeth!_

I take it that you won't tell me, then. Good evening, Minerva.

_Fine._

You'll tell me?

_Yes._

Everything?

_Yes._

Every gory little detail?

_I didn't exactly count how many drops of blood fell from his nose._

You made him bleed?

_I have a mean right hook._

I shall bear that in mind.

_You see, since I've known him, he's been forever bragging about his skills on the pitch –_

That sounds like –

_It's not innuendo._

More's the pity.

_Anyway, he is forever bragging about his abilities – _

Still sounds like –

_It's NOT innuendo!_

Alright.

_He's always saying that he is amazing at –_

At -

_AT QUIDDITCH!_

Well, he was a professional…

_I don't brag about being an amazing teacher, though._

No, dear, not **every** day.

_But just because you are good about something, doesn't mean you can go rubbing it in people's faces. Besides, we all know that I could have gone professional if I'd had the mind to._

Of course. Star chaser, our little Minerva.

_Well, he finally got the better of me with his misogynistic implications that women are worse at Quidditch than men._

So you punched him? Good on you.

_Oh no, I didn't punch him straight away. I challenged him to a one-on-one match – _

I –

_NOT INNUENDO!_

No need to shout.

_I challenged him to a one-on-one match._

And you punched him because you lost?

_No, I won._

Then why did you punch him?

_Because he said I'd cheated and refused to shake my hand._

And had you cheated?

_How low are your opinions of me?_

Higher than most. Did you cheat, though?

_No._

So why did you punch him?

_I challenged him to a drinking match, in return._

And he agreed? Fool!

_Exactly. _

Are we getting anywhere near the part of the story where you cause a man to bleed from his face?

_You cannot rush art, Albus._

Don't get ahead of yourself, my dear. You won't be able to get your head through the door.

_Well, we had the drinking contest, which I won (as if there was any doubt in your mind)._

Not something to be proud of.

_Let's agree to disagree. After the contest, he still tried to accuse me of cheating by casting some kind of inebriation hex on him._

And that hurt your dignity, causing you to lash out in frustration.

_No._

Am I still going to be alive at the end of this story?

_Not if I come up there and kill you before I finish it._

I'll be quiet.

_Good. To cut a long story short, he came on to me and I punched him._

You have got to stop doing that!

_Sorry, it's a natural defence mechanism._

You're sure he was making a pass at you?

_He commented on the length of my dress and the way I looked during the Quidditch match._

I'm proud of you.

_Really?_

Yes. You stood up for yourself.

_That's all? Not telling-off? No chastising?_

No.

…

Only because I know, one day, you'll end up dancing the tango with him in front of an embarrassing number of people.

_What do you mean?_

You always end up doing things like that with people you hate.

_I've never once done something like that with you._

Yes, but, you love – wait…


	145. Memo 145

Memos

Minerva, dearest, what is the time?

_Remember what I told you; when the big hand is on the twelve – _

I know how to tell the time, I just haven't anything with which to tell it.

_It is a quarter past ten in the evening._

Is it really? Well, our intimate little session took a little longer than expected.

_What did you expect? You can't just launch straight in, you've got to warm everything up first, otherwise you could do someone an injury._

That being said, my fingers are aching after going at it for so long.

_Well, I was very satisfied with your efforts._

_**That's enough!**_

_Filius?_

_**I must insist that you cease this filth immediately!**_

Filth?

_**You have been sending these disgusting messages to your deputy, who is sitting in a crowded staffroom, where they are very easy to read. They made me want to burn my eyes out.**_

_What on Earth are you talking about?_

_**Your "intimate little session", "you can't just launch straight in", "warm everything up first", aching fingers from "going at it so long", "very satisfied"! You aren't exactly being discreet about it.**_

_Oh my goodness._

Filius, I can't believe it.

_**You can't believe it? What am I supposed to think about this?**_

_Filius, you utter fool._

_**I beg your pardon?**_

_We weren't… __you know__._

_**What?**_

Minerva was teaching me how to knit.

_**She – she was?**_

_Yes. Very definitely nothing else happened._

_**Oh.**_

Oh, Filius, you have made my day. In fact, you had me in stitches!

_Was that a pun?_

Why, yes it was. And a yarn good one at that!

_This conversation is over._

But that one was a real purl!


End file.
